Life's Bittersweet Simplicities

Heartbreaks

When the heart breaks, it breaks for many reasons. Sometimes we just never know when it’s going to happen. It could be something big, something trivial, something completely unexpected. Yet a heartbreak remains a heartbreak.

It isn’t always a person. Sometimes its just an expectation, or an unwanted situation. But it hurts in such a way, you lose all motivation. Days pass, time keeps moving, but there you are, left floating.

Some days you wake up with tears stinging your eyes, a feeling of confusion as to why you’re even still living. The living becomes a dream, one that holds no meaning.

Depression is a killer, laced with the arsenic that is your own. It feeds on heartbreaks that remain an open wound.

And here I am again.

In that pain and withdrawal, that is mine and only mine to feel.

posted by BabyGin in wordy,personal,confessions,sad,emo and have No Comments

A Secret at はるにれの木

harunire

At any moment in time, there is a feeling of vulnerability that makes itself known.

Sometimes in weakness, sometimes in strength.

A lover’s embrace, littered in tears.

And a silence that wraps itself like a cocoon on each other’s lips.

A moment felt,

A moment made ours,

As the sky turned dark and the shadows came creeping.

I know what I felt, I know that gentle rhythm. The solidification of my emotions, I gave you my all, on that cold November evening.

It had been perfection. A transcendence that far exceeded any form of expectation.

A spell had been cast.

A secret shared.

It was only just us.

And a tree that was.

posted by BabyGin in pics,reminders,personal,confessions,emo,events,travel,travelogue,Japan and have No Comments

Burnt Reins and The Beginning of Regret.

It is in that moment of weakness that you often realize how the words of warning from others have actually rung true. But it is also in that moment of weakness, you find escape an impossible thing to do. Not because it really is, but because the guilt of doing so will hurt not just you, but those you love dearly too.

As the years pass, the dull ache of sadness turns into something much worst. It grows into a fiery spite that burns itself into a constant reminder of whose decision and mistake it clearly is. Because in the end, it is nobody. Nobody that is, but myself.

I left my reins in the hands of another. Blinded by the belief that things would somehow get better and I would actually be content with having myself tamed. I was fine for a while. But all those sharp and often unnecessary constraints have clearly left their marks. The scars don’t show physically but they burn with a relentless throb.

Now I often question my choice.

Would I be much happier if I had just walked out of that stable and never turned back.

 

 

posted by BabyGin in wordy,personal,upset,confessions,sad,emo,tragedies and have No Comments

Autumn Crossroads

tokyo784

There always comes a time in your perfect little world where cracks start to show and leaks somehow become cascades, eventually causing a succession of erratically confused panic that could only be defined by an incredulously delusional sequence of thoughts and actions.

The world turns topsy turvy…

No.

My world turns topsy turvy.

Contentment and sadness no longer in polarity, they seep into one another and become part of each other. Where does one start and where does one end. The questions beggingly implore my pounding heart, head, and sometimes hand. They say the heart wants what it wants. But what does the heart really want?

The truth can sometimes be glaringly bare.

For the heart wants many things. Too often things that seem unable to meet, leaving a trail of tangled knots and imperfect crossroads. So then what does the heart want? It does not choose its path. It only creates more; almost like a butterfly effect that takes pleasure in sending masses into unknowing chaos.

DCIM100GOPRO

Solidarity calls for attention. Yet heartstrings tug back in fearful confusion.

Like the bright red leaves of autumn, love is only a temporary illusion. They fall and what was once seemingly beautiful, find themselves in a forgotten medley of muddy brown, ash like dissolutions. But memory remains, and like the pull of gravity, one yearns for what was. In hopeful eyes, one always yearns for what was.

It’s a lie.

Everything is a lie.

The past will always hold you back.

And sometimes, that past is of a future hope instead.

Or simply, a fear of losing something precious in your life.

“Hold me in your arms, and tell me everything’s going to be all right.”

posted by BabyGin in wordy,pics,personal,confessions,sad,emo,travelogue and have No Comments

21 August 2014

There are days in a year that you feel at your lowest. A sinking feeling that eats at your emotions and causes your life to feel completely worthless. Nothing seems to cheer you up and you can’t identify the causes of your pain. You can pick up bits and pieces but it’s hard to tell if it’s really the combination of each unrelenting fragment or a much bigger reason – you just don’t know yet.

Today is one of those days. At least i think it’s one of those days. The past couple of weeks has been riddled with confusion of extreme highs and lows and today I’m at its peak. A bleak nothingness that exist. There isn’t the heat of anger nor the tears of sadness. It is just empty emotions with no purpose or reason.

There isn’t a desire to do something or to see anyone. You flinch at the touch of every living thing; a loved one, a prized cat and even a favourite dog. What you do know is this. You aren’t happy and your heart won’t stay still. It beats in an irregular fashion, mimicking the comings of an anxiety attack or perhaps something worst. Yet it beats in a hauntingly slow manner, a throbbing that does not pound yet hits at you with such an intensity, it feels like nausea is on its way.

There is a foreboding feeling in the air. You shiver even in the warmth of a summer’s breeze and you dread the daily workings of the coming days. Appointments and responsibilities; you want nothing to do with them and yet you go on, you carry on with your day lying to the world that everything is fine and not the slightest thing is out of place.

Nobody knows. Nobody understands.

But why would they?

To those that live a healthy happy life, such displays of grief is merely a cry for unwarranted attention and a disgusting weakness that should not exist.

To those that feel the same, the fact is this. It is never the same.

Each individual feels just that little bit of difference and in the end it is a pain felt only as one single individual.

 

posted by BabyGin in wordy,personal,confessions,emo and have No Comments