Life's Bittersweet Simplicities

I never really knew how it happened. All i remember was finding myself at your house in the middle of the night again crying my eyes out over something i dont even remember now. Someone else was with me as always with every instance we randomly appeared at odd hours on days you had to work. Never once did you turn us down, and soon habit became a daily thing and your place was known as our comfort house.

I broke down that night, cried in loud rasping breathes and scared you with that. You held me tight and told me it was okay and that’s how she found us on the couch, a knowing smile on her face. I felt my heart beat pick up thinking it was just because of all the crying i was doing. It took me sometime later to realise that’s when it started. How that little comfort hug became what was later known as Us in the weeks that soon came.

It is at our lowest points that we constantly pull at the glimmering threads of memories that will either lift us or break us.

How every touch, kiss and smile would flicker across the back of our heads like a movie scene being replayed over and over again. Every finger clapsed against the other and every little trace of scent.

The newer the memory made, the fresher it plays its games with my incoherent thoughts.

The sunlight streaming in, us lying on our backs hand in hand on the warm wooden boards with a breeze rarely felt. No words spoken, there wasnt a need for it. It wasnt quiet but it was peaceful and for that half an hour we were lost in our own little bubble of a world where only our presence left tell tale signs of reality. A slight roll to my right brought me next to you. My head on its familiar place by your shoulder and the sound of your rhythmic breathing right above my forehead. It had been months since we last reveled in each others company that way but instead of a smile, today it drifts about in my daydreams like a ghost without mercy.

Today i am still waiting. Unconsciously. For what its worth, this time i havent the faintest clue.

And time continues to crawl by in that mocking way it always does without you.

* David Tao – Liu Sha =’) *

sometimes i confuse myself even more than i need to. to look into every little thing like there’s a hidden trick behind. i watch how different you are around me outside and at home and disgustingly i wish we were anywhere but here at home. i hear the words telling me that at home, you dont need to pretend and no act is required but then it makes me wonder so which guy did i really fall for all those months back.

i dont trust very well but easily i do. but when full trust is established, i am all yours. and i am strange that way. it takes more time then i’d like to admit but every little thing does push me further back than it does pull me forward.

i’m waiting.

i’m always waiting. i dont know why but i just am. and this is not something i am accustomed to. to always want to wait for you to show you something or to share a moment with you.

i hear the words i’m coming and my face lights up in that way that i sometimes hate because it only does it for you. and again i am waiting, for you to spend that one little moment with me that i want to spend with you. but you’re always doing something else despite telling me okay you’re there in a while.

maybe it’s not really all that long before you finally show up but the fact of the fact is, when you do that moment is completely gone and i have spent any joy left in anticipating your arrival blinking back tears or lying to myself that hey, it’s okay, it’s not like you didnt expect this to happen.

siu hei is what most people would call it.

is that it? really?

do we not get aggravated when we get sidetracked for just a minute and suddenly we miss the bus that we want to take. do we not feel guilty and aggitated when that few minutes could have stopped a disaster from occurring? or even upset that in that few minutes looking at our phone and we missed something important in the show.

i never really understand how people can take something as time so lightly. not saying that we are always rushing around to finish stuff and to make full use of our time but we never can seem to really establish how precious and important our time is and what those few minutes and hours can mean to another person next to us.

every time i hear the words im coming in a sec/while/soon, all i hear is another lie and a solid blow to my already crumbling level of trust.

“we think he is bad for you. not that he treats you bad. no wait. actually he does. he always like dont care about how you would feel. it’s not about what normal people would expect as duties but how unattentive he seems to be to you but dont bother telling him because he’s just going to say we say that because we’re you’re friends but i doubt thats it because always sided **** instead of you last time but this time i really think he doesnt treat you right lor.”
time and time again.

maybe one day i’ll learn to stop waiting.

after all, i never did before.

maybe then the disappointments will stop their hurting.

Some things are so much harder to see than what we really believe. How almost impossible it is for us to stand in the shoes of another and actually begin to understand. We often think we are able to look through the eyes of another, to see what they see and to feel how they feel. We are conceited like that, acting as if we are all knowing and compassionate enough to such a level that another persons pain truly becomes ours.

Look at the intent rather than the act we say. But what happens when the intent was entirely harmless yet resulted in a disaster? Do we still turn our heads and put on a facade of forced smiles? A knowing nod that says it’s okay even when it really isnt?

To put into perspective, what if A told her friend, B that she thought her make up and her outfit of the day was fine when in truth she didnt. Here, A had no intention of harming her friend or knowing what would happen, lying to her so she would not feel bad about herself. A had only wanted to make her friend feel good about herself and had not a single bad bone in her body. B got the boost of confidence she needed from A and decided that since she looked good, she would join a public pageant unknowing to herself that A had lied to her. B walked on stage and saw only horrified faces and people laughing in the audience. This was a big blow to B’s self confidence and caused her mental issues and she began to fall into a depression due to low self esteem. So is A really innocent? Her lie had meant to be a comfort to B and nothing more, it was unknown to her that the events would unfold itself the way it did.

Everytime we see a path laid out in front of us, there will always be forks along the road and never just one straight one. An action may cause a different reaction in everyone but as unintentional as it had been, it may have still somehow caused pain to another. Do we stand there defending ourselves, patting our own backs and saying “hey, its okay! you didnt mean to hurt her! you only wanted to help!” or should we push our arrogance aside and try to see how our words or actions have hurt the other and whether there is anything we can do to say sorry and help. Alas, this is always so much easier said than done.

I believe it is entirely human nature that we are born selfish and as we grow it grows deeper within us. It is our only means of survival in the ever changing world of ours. Who are we to blame another entirely, when in fact, we the very replica of their sin stands rooted to the fingers that point the blame.

What may seem, never really is the truth; is it?

wahhahahahha. i complete forgot about this set of pics lor. anyway most of them were given to me without edits so im kinda lazy to edit all so im seperating this post into 2. no extreme photoshopping lar omg. i just like to play with colours and maybe a little skin touch up here and there but nothing major like eye enlarging and stuff like that okay “=_=

anyway the point of this shoot was for Celine Yap whom hand made these 2 corsets!! i know right!! so pretty! i actually like them a lot because they were made to her measurements yet the boning was so well made it fit perfectly with my body as well and its super comfy!

pictures as usual taken by Kevin Han

and edits by me! except for the last 2 pics of the first corset!

once again the pics always look nicer when u click on them rather than the actualy thumbnails themselves. actually i dunno why like that. can anyone tell me ah? lol. small not normally look nicer wan meh =X or the thumbnails created by the wordpress mechanism didnt manage to get all the colour spaces?

actually i dun really like tis wan. but my face very thin and sharp so suka je la. wtf

yes la. we have all established that i am a hobbit already. thankiu very much.

dont particularly like this also. but hahahah this pic reminds me of someone (private joke) so i just had to post it up.

i swear my ass has become 2x of that now .__.

lowered the saturation by a lot cuz like more drama ma. aiyo. u enlarge den u paham la.

my fav of this set! =D

i think i look like some strange pixie that has plotted some evil deed. wtf