i hate this restless feeling.

i hate sitting here while i type this. suffocated by my pets. my treasured babies yet my allergies to them have grown so intense, i cough and i wheeze and i sit here and type all these.

my head hurts and my eyes arent any different.

it must have been the lack of oxygen and the possibility of dehydration.

i asked myself this many a time. i wonder how would it feel like to die while i cried. such strange thoughts arent all that strange for i really cannot breath.

i have a charity fashion show tonight, one i really wanted to be in. yet now i refused to turn up and finding a replacement seems really hard, as hard as can be.

over a year ago i showed up at your doorstep.

i wish i could this time.

but it isnt your house anymore.

…and all i can do is sit here and cry

i have always been that girl, strong and assertive i was. weak i was not, dependent on others i refused to be; i thought it was the worst for i am the only one i can trust. i believed in nobody, i believed i was strong yet i let my walls crumble, fall in every form.

this happened when you came along.

i shrank into this little girl. that little girl that sat and cried in the dark until someone would come along. she would tug on your sleeves and refuse to let go; that was until she was put to sleep. vulnerable and weak; i became everything i laughed at, such pityful believes.

i gave you everything, even the childlike and vulnerable me; in exchange of the promise of care and trust, i did.

i let myself trust you, a trust so deep i gave even my life. to have fallen so pathethic, i became that needy little creep. trusted your words, believed you were willing to care for the real and broken little me.

“…i knew you’re be that person i’d treasure most in my life….. i want to keep you with me always…”

” i see a bench, you and me……that picture is just about you and i.”

“…to me, you’re no filling that completes my life, you’re my everything i’ve ever wanted, needed, and more than i could ever think and imagine. ….. to have you by my side was my birthday wish, to have you with me is my wish and dreams everyday……if i could, i want to hold you forever.”

“…be my baby always…”

i wonder wheres that bench, we never actually found it. abandoned coldplay videos and empty streets, seperated pets from those they grew up with. i guess it was stupid of me to have believed, believed you would be able and willing to take care of me even at such times of need.

for look what happened now, betrayal runs deep.

you stripped me bare, walked out and left me alone, alone with nothing but broken dreams.

a potrait sits on the table top, just next to the tv. it’s family potrait, yet now a stranger stares back at me.

i wrote a long post, a post of your betrayal.

and then the computer crashed, and i lost my entire post.

i wrote it in tears, i wrote it with heart.

and how i gave u myself, vulnerable and childlike to a promise of care and trust.

i cant rewrite the post, the words will no longer flow.

maybe later, i’ll feel that need and write you that post.

the post that my computer refused to send.

i wanted to hold you, tell you to stop.

yet i laid there and cried. words meant nothing. the silence proved everything.

i wanted to tell you to stay. to hold your hand and tell you how much i loved you; then i remembered the past, and how i asked you. you would never be happy with me, decide before you stepped into my part.

i kept all your messages, they always made me smile.

now i wish i could erase them, erase this pain that pushes me to the dark.

i told myself i wouldn’t make myself bleed, no, not this time. i kept it on repeat. i wonder how long i’ll last? it’s been a while since i last watched myself drip. drip those pretty crimson drops on those tiles, cold and shimmering mask.

remember how i always told you, the rain falls for me?

well, today.

the rain; it falls with me.

like the tears that fall,

silent and painful

onto that cold hard floor.

…its been 2 years since we met.

hello there.

“i want ice cream”

….those words….

they pierce like an arrow.

of a dream; full of artificial smiles.