a million different scenes play across my head from that subtle angle of my body lying curled up on my bed. every scene special in each own; tempting itself and its many possibilities in this lucid hallucinations of life and death.

a smile etched on my lips threatening to break into little guffaws of laughter, that little throb on my wrist, my eyes fall into slits of hollow blankness. my breathing deepens and i look around me contemplating the peace it would give. or so that is what my mind wants to believe.

it feels almost like being on the brink of insanity, loosing myself entirely to the other side. what other side? fuck if i know.

just a little push, thats all its going to take.

just that little push.

maybe then i’ll end my miseries.

the only thing stopping me from moving out right now are my dogs. my other animals i can bring with me.

but where the hell do i place a great dane if i can only afford to rent a damn place right now? ……….

at this moment i wouldnt think twice and would probably quit school and start working…… for fucks sake. im fucking on the verge of suicide in this hell hole.

words cannot describe how infuriated i am right now.

it isnt a common sight to watch me burst into tears when im angry. i forsee less smiles and a more frequent need to make myself bleed. i dont want to fall back into my times of excessive depression but this is something that seems almost unavoidable right now.

you caused it once.

and now you want to do it again.

when i’ve finally found the heart to forgive you, you hurt me all over again. this time taking away the one thing that keeps me sane in this fucked up household.

this sucks >=(

everybody knows the best time to sleep is around 5-7 in the morning when theres a light rain.. er..okay..maybe not everybody but I LOVE LOVE LOVE sleeping when that happens..

right now its raining… i dont have to get up for another hour……..BUT EVIL MOSQUITOS REFUSE TO LET ME SLEEP >=( and by the itme i get rid of them i’ll probably only have like half an hour left to sleep..which mean i’d probably not get up in time for class.. AS USUAL…

ive got 3 massive bits on my forehead and one really irritating one on my middle finger.. wtf..and a million others everywhere else!! GARHHH!!!

death to mosquitos >=(

isnt it amazing how easily it is for us to be replaced in the eyes of someone else. people we were once comfortable with now seem so far away. in a blink of an eye someone new appears and we are reduced to nothing but an indispencable shadow in the background; never gone yet not exactly there.

it makes me feel almost like i was never any one to begin with. just a passing phase of required acquaintances and customary friendliness. its discomforting, suffocating in a way it shouldnt be. is this jealousy?

i have grown into this black hole of negativity absorbing only feelings that bring dismay and contradictory. i swim in my own pool of sticky slippery oil, drowning myself without even an effort to pull myself to safety.

who am i?

who am i to you?

you.

and you?