one day, unintentionally; with just that little push i might be one of those crazed kids that killed her own family.

just get the fuck off my freaking back already.

those screams they pierce my head. one day i’m going to lose it.

and this will be my confession.

my fingertips ache to touch that pretty white canvas, to cover it in swirling colours of every imaginable shade. i could have been an artist, no longer i fear. yet how tempting that idea now sounds in this room i am in.

behind me is an empty area, high ceilings and clean empty walls. spotlights at the top and the ground a cemented grey of uneven monochromes. i’ve never been one for studio apartments but this one, an office of a friend has my heart. i imagine those walls strewn in black and white potraits of strangers i have never known and easles and paint brushes litter that smooth grey floor.

i miss that feeling of being covered in paint, when one goes into that fever of being able to create, you fall into a state of trance; oblivious to reality’s pull over one’s silent eyes.

to be able to create such dream like illusions; how i wish for it to be so simple.

one day.

one day, i will create something new,

and then i will lie back in content and let out a sigh; and i know i will be blissful,

blissfull for that short period in time, knowing i have created a spectacle so beautiful in my eyes.

on those walls in my blood i will write, the pains and anguish you have caused. the sins you have placed myself to commit in hopes you may create a happier family it seems. perhaps so would be the truth if i could make myself dissapear, a death to the black sheep i presume.

rob me of my life, my happiness, my inspiration in the broad of daylight. you, the one who were meant to be my protector; instead made me shatter and fall back into my days of darkened skies.

leave me be i beg you, for as the sight of you tempts me to drag that perfect piece of blade across my soft delicate skin.

my tear stained face and my heavy hardened heart knows no longer the meaning of home.

and i grow weaker day by day.

lost in the middle,

i wish only to be satisfied.