Those hazel eyes stare back at me, it’s shine lost somewhere in those gloomy skies outside. Water falls from above and then i taste something salty as i watch myself cry under the showers. Finally the mirror fogs over and my reflection is hidden but i cant help but think, what if i cut myself right now. Wouldnt it be a pretty sight to watch my blood flow with the water tainting the tub red.

Do you know how much pain im going through right now?

Do you?

Do you even know how much tears i have spilled for you?

” why you come here during rainy season? damn bad luck lor you ” – Eveline

haha. the irony. everytime it rains here i cry.

just take me back in time. to say the words i had to say and to do those things i wished i did. i just needed a little more time.

” go talk to him about it now la!. don’t regret later k? ” – Xind

i am incapable of talking about it. not because i dont want to but because i can’t. im afraid. i was afraid and i think this time maybe it’s too late.

and still i wake up feeling like my hearts going to fall out of my chest. you know that feeling where u wake up and feel like the world’s just shit and you wake up cranky and pissed off at everything and everyone.

in the 3 days i have been here i have refused to step out of this house going out only once to the city yesterday. after 2 hours i was exhausted and all i felt like doing was going back home to cry under the covers.

the weather isnt really that bad but for some reason i seem to have lost my smile.

last night, i snapped at a very close friend of mine. he’s always been quite a dickhead but not in a bad way kind just the i trust you enough and i know you dont mind so i can be this way kind of thing. ive always been fine with it just laughing it off but last night i snapped.

my mood was so shit i hade a sushi roll for lunch and nothing else. amazing really considering how much i’ve been eating since i got to australia and how it’s winter. that and a cookie bryan bought me in sydney in hopes that it would cheer me up. triple chocolate fudge, definitely sounds like something that would cheer anyone up huh. it was a good cookie just like he said but it did nothing for me but miss Sydney even more.

i fell asleep upset, hungry and pissed off.

and today i woke up feeling the same.

i remember feeling something like this the last time i was in melbourne. i wonder why. maybe this place and me just dont get along very well.

right now, all i want to do is sit under the showers and cry my eyes out.

if i chose to write my emotions as i watched the two of them walk away from me, no words could possibly describe how empty i felt. at least not in ways i am able to write.

i hadnt expected the tears to hit me that fast or that hard but from the walk outside into the terminal and onto the plane my tears did not stop. and i cried myself to sleep on that plane staring at the lights of the city that stole my heart.

i remember crying the night before but no one noticed. staring at the ceiling i felt the sheets around me get damp as my breathing got harder. i got up, took a look around the room i had been staying in and walked down to that sofa i loved and spent much hours just stoning at.

there i sat curled up staring at the red or pink lights bryan so conveniently pointed out knowing how attracted to pink i apparently am and thought to myself why the hell am i even crying over something as dumb as leaving a city like Sydney. and then it hit me and i cried so hard i could barely breathe.

how do u cry so much after being in a place for just a mere 3 days?

theres so much more i want to say but i guess there really isnt much left to say really.

i left a part of my heart in sydney and right now i dont even know how the hell am i going to get it back.

time to snap back into reality princess.