your message sits unmoving in my inbox. your first message in over a week. it doesnt hurt me the way one would think it does. it was a message i had expected. it was what you did not reply that hurts me the most.
“…i fancy you…”
do you even know what that word really means? it contradicts the sentence that came before that. i want to laugh at the whole ridiculous idea of it all but instead i cringe everytime someone says your name.
which is ironic.
because suddenly everyone around me is associated with you. people i rarely ever see are now people that appear like mushrooms growing in that damp darkened area. people you see almost everyday when you were back here, yet those people i never got to meet.
i sat in your tattoo artist house yesterday and the number of times your name was repeated could have killed me that day. you were suppose to bring me there in august. thinking about it now its funny because it was a tuesday as well. alot of shit happens on tuesday doesnt it?
“i dont care ginny you’re coming with me. youre going to sit there for 6 hours and pui me.”
that tuesday i called to ask what time you were coming to get me. and then you told me you forgot to tell me you cant anymore because your car broke down and your friend was getting you. so you left me stranded in college and i never got to go.
over a month later on the same day i sit on the couch in a place i no longer expected to see. it drained me but in a weird way i was happy and i dont even know why.
i took my first afternoon nap in quite a while today. it wasnt such a smart idea. i woke up feeling as shit as i did the day you stopped replying. and the moment i woke up i felt naked somehow. totally bare, as fragile as glass and then i remembered the way you had held me before. and like a piece of shortbread, i crumbled.
i miss you.
and i wish i could forget.
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