tired stinging eyes stare repeatedly at the silent pink phone you had once promised to get but resulted in confusion and many disappointed apologies from your side. it doesnt matter that in the end it wasnt you who pulled strings for me but suddenly it is remembered how you did actually try. pointless memory really but today everything you did or everything that reminds me of you cuts deep like the sharp knives you and i both so blatantly adore.
i was in good company at midnight today, in good spirits in fact but slowly i could feel this tugging sensation in my heart and that annoying akward restlessness overcame. i was not tired i know but i could not bear to be in the presence of people i cared dearly for at 3 this morning. in the car on the empty roads my tears spilled like liquid crystals while i screamed the lyrics of every sad love song that came on the radio.
my house was still alive, people playing mahjong and watching tv. how unusual. at that hour it was usually dead quiet and i entered silent with a hard face; so much that no one as much as even bothered to say their usual exchange of formalities. they could tell i wanted to be alone. not even a whim from her on my arrival home at such an obscene hour.
occupy yourself screamed my head. i buried myself in my blankets and pulled my latest book open after a mere an hour on the internet. i shouldnt read such books. books that start with lust, continues in anguish and abandonment but ends in happy smiles. it gives me false hope. hopes that i know should not even exist.
it nearing 7. stop i told myself you have to go to bed and get up early for a lunch date.
i awoke 3 times in less than 4 hours dreaming that you had called. called to ask if i still wanted to come for christmas like how i had originally intended and you had unthinkinly said okay. repeated flips of the phone and an empty screen stared back and the unmoving flicker of the time left me dumbfounded and in shock. i had not slept, not really.
now only semi conscious and my tired mind in a flurry of confused emotions i am unable to go back to sleep. i close my eyes and there the image of you propped up against me with your head cocked to one side observing my reaction to your words stare back at me.
“what if i kiss you?”
you hadnt even given me a chance to think or react. i had barely even opened my mouth to answer you before you placed your lips possessively over mine. it was the sheer aggressiveness of your kiss that subdued me that night. it was a long rough kiss. it was not the usual soft slow kisses i favoured but the exact opposite and yet i allowed myself to yield to your every whim and want. almost.
memories i should forget. memories i should let go off just like you told me too.
“think of it all as just a dream. good bye ginny.”
who even says shit like that anymore? it took you over 2 weeks to finally really stop replying. that had not been your last message to me. the last one had been “ok. love and peace.” that is until your housemate probed you into at least saying something about the letter you received. the last message was cold yet civil. an act of someone who didn’t want to care but did so just to appease the public. it still sits in my inbox mocking me.
why am i so deadly infactuated by you? how could i be? i refuse to believe that i am in love for i know you are not. i was nothing but a mere crush to you. a crush that had lasted for quite a while in my blind unrealising eyes. you finally had me, and then my appeal is gone. just another conquest.
“time and fate is not on our side.”
how can you tell really?
it was fate that made that damn ticket 20 bucks cheaper than what i had made my maximum. i never really intended to go. i just said i’ll think about it to silence you for a while. i figured the idea of shopping there hadnt much appealed to me considering how tightly on a budget i was. you told me to come for 2 days. it was fate that made the cheapest tickets a day and a half longer. and it was in that extra day and a half that chaos had ensued.
did fate really play itself out so carelessly or was it my own recklessness that put me in my current disposition? time. we have all the time in the world. wheres your hurry love? because im damned as well willing to wait that extra year out to fly there for even that slight chance of reconcilation.
“just go there. i don’t believe he dont care lo when you’re right in front of his eyes” your god sister had said. i can’t tell if she was just saying that to shut me up or she was giving me actual advice. that’s a long time more. i know because i have been counting the days since i left.
i am at a loss at what to do right now. i had a plan all ready in my childish dumb head but my inability to sleep peacefully today has made my plan seem pointless and futile.
i should stop hoping. i should stop believing that you had really cared. i give myself ugly expectations of things to come. painting images of your reaction to my pathethic attempts, each image a clear cut shadow of rejection. each laced with accurate details of your favourite words and that nochalant way you usually answer. every idea, every knowledge tells me to walk away yet everyday my heart still beats in fury everytime a private number appears.
and breaks again everytime because it is never,
never you.
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