over and over again the same words are repeated back at me. and over and over again i wonder if you meant the words you said or you say it to everyone out of courtesy or perhaps habit.
“i’ll see you soon k?” was the last thing whispered in my ears at the airport in what felt like the longest most paiful hug i’ve ever had in a long long time. i couldnt even bring myself to stand up when you looked at me and said “not even a hug?” to which i could only weakly react with a false smile on my face by holding my arms out for one while being still seated on those cold iron chairs.
the minute your sight disappeared i sat alone drowning in my own unhidden sobs while passerbys walked past and gave me a look of knowing and heartfelt understanding.
“i’ll see you soon k.” had then been repeated on the phone in those little times i had found the courage to call.
yesterday it was different. yesterday u ended it with something almost similiar and i remember you saying it only once when i called while u were having dinner.
“i’ll talk to u soon k?” why do u always end my calls that way. they always leave place for questions. it’s hard to tell whether it’s positive or negative and it claws at me every single time.
see you soon always meant see you soon in the past because the next day or the next few days you would schedule a meal with me. never once had your words ended in false pretense because even if you didnt make it on the intended date you would always make it up to me the next day.
so when does see you soon apply now? it was meant to be december until you unexpectedly blew me off. the money i refused to use in order to buy my air tickets are still kept nicely in a box and stupidly my funds are being thrifted as much as possible in order to add to that. why? i could use it to buy anything else so why am i saving for a trip that’s not going to happen? i am blinded. more blinded that i would ever expect myself to be.
so what about talk to you soon. you never ever call except to tell me you’re back in KL and to ask if i want to eat. that or when you’re outside my house. but you never really liked messages now that i think about it. you always asked me to call instead. you’re not going to call me. i know this. were your words meant to encourage me that it’s okay for me to call or were u not thinking and those words just came spurting out.
hot cold hot cold.
you’re more confusing than i had known you to be.
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