in a room of unknown whereabouts, a girl with long luscious curls cascading her half bare back stands alone. the right side of her fair slender neck peeks out at me and with a curious eye i trace her silhoutte from neck down across her naked shoulders.

she is dressed is a soft silky robe, loose and seductive. it falls below her shoulders, threatening to drop entirely but stays in place as if being held by an invisible hand testing the patience of anyone daring enough to imagine it giving way to reveal the soft slender arc of her back and the tiny waist it hides.

i am transfixed in place.

she turns her head slowly with realisation of my arrival. i do not know her.

she looks at me with glowing eyes, a half smile curving upon her perfect pink lips. she turns her body slightly and i note with interest the soft swell of ample breast. she’s not wearing a bra. she says nothing. i say nothing.

without realising, i am walking towards her and she turns back to look at the books placed neatly on the shelves surrounding the walls. she lifts an arm and with a long slender finger traces it across the leather bound treasures on the wall.

she is beautiful. stunningly so.

i stand behind her, unsure of how to react. my eyes stare fixated at her exposed neck and i am drawn in. i hear her breathing get harder and in her hand she holds the story of choice. its leatherbound case bares no signs of a title but a velvet red cloth peeks out from one of its pages.

the large book makes her look childlike and i let out a soft chuckle. she ignores me and continues to stand serenely in place.

without thinking i place my arms around her small frame. she smells of milky sweetness, an unidentifiable scent. she lets out a sigh but does not react. i can feel her heartbeat. it beats as hard as mine.

“what am i doing? who the hell is this?” runs through my head.

i close my eyes as the warmth of her body makes me forget. i cannot resist her.

my lips brush against the nape of her neck and a moan escapes her moist glistering lips. i feel a familiar sense of warmth tickle my sex. i reach for the ribbon that holds her robe and with a swift pull watch the rest of it fall gracefully to a pool around her feet.

her back is flawless.

i trace her spine with a finger and watch as she trembles in the cold. still she says nothing. once again i pull her close and place my hand over one of her now exposed breast. there is a sharp intake of air and she finally turns around to face me.

her eyes are a deep shade of brown. almost black but not nearly there. “i want you” she whispers. for a moment i stare back in shock at the whole strangeness of the scene and then she kisses me.

i feel her tongue flicker across my lips and then slowly probe it open. i let her. without warning she places her hands onto my thighs and i shudder as it moves upward hidden under the white dress i wear. she slides it across the edge of my panty and pulls down. i pull away in horror as it falls to the ground. i’m soaked i realise.

i take a step back and she stands there smiling back at me, welcoming me.

there is a desire to continue writing but suddenly i am afraid of what one would think. so i’ll stop here. the above is nothing but a figment of my imagination and the random wants i have. my curiosity and my needs.

sorry if any of you may somehow have found this offending but yeah whatever. i’ll just continue this little story in my head =3

the past 2 days have been met with downing of liquor in proportions rarely seen by many in terms of me. i rarely drink. i wonder why i said okay to everyone.this including strangers instead of my usual shake of the head. i even said okay to 2 inches of pure whisky. i do not like the taste of pure whisky but it tasted fine that day.

my shisha had been tasteless yesterday. apparently only i felt that way. we concluded it had been the guiness draught i had been asked to down. yes. i do not drink slowly. it makes me sick.

i had fun yesterday.

Black Eyed Peas were amazing and i met the cutest family who danced with me. Cute son, my age adorable smile. I forgot his name. Not like me to forget a persons name when i had spent a good deal of time chatting with. It’s okay. We have mutual friends. I’m sure we’ll meet again someday.

i finally had more than 4 hours of sleep today. but is it really considered? i woke up at 8 plus 9 with a start and the usual empty feeling of the heart. the exhaustion of the past weeks had been too much and i closed my eyes again surpressing the tears i have been keeping inside over the days in attempt to hold myself up. unknowingly i had fallen asleep and woken up 3 hours later. 7 hours of sleep. well done i tell myself. but i am tired now. tired and lazy. yet disgustingly restless as i have continuously been.

a friend of yours asked about you yesterday. i told him you were ignoring me. ignoring me by not replying my sms-es but he said that’s normal for u. is it? i remember you used to reply every message even a random one like me wanting dim sum at 3 in the morning. you even replied when i said i missed you. long time story now huh?

the laugher on your friends face had been much apparent. “amused?” he said yes and i asked if he found it weird that it was me. his answered had been no. it’s normal that it was me. but it was because it had been you that it became news to those around. why? why does everyone say the same thing. is there something i’m missing here?? if so, someone please tell me now.

i am tired.

so why do i still dig around for reasons to see you in dec this time around. the tickets are getting more and more expensive and where the hell am i going to stay now.

and then i am hit with a short blow to the mind and pain is then felt in the salty taste of bitter remorse.

i dont know whats going on in my mind. but memories are my biggest enemies this time.

and i miss you now. more than i had anticipated myself to.

it’s been unusually quiet today. i feel so blank. the same lost lonely feeling since i woke up until now. thats over 6 hours. not even lunch with the monkeys of hypertune cheered me up. forced myself to finish my noodles today. it was a small plate but it was really good. i feel sick now though.

today i had my first mini accident.

i went up the touch and go curb and hit something. my door dented inwards and i couldnt open it. but it’s fine now. still dented and needs a new paint job. but nothing to serious. it was a funny incident. but thinking about it now. i had been so unfocused i hadnt even realised what had happened until i felt the impact.

you’ve got me so wrapped up in self delusion i’m loosing focus in everything i do. someone asked why i was so quiet 2 days ago. yesterday someone else said it’s weird being around me. i asked why. he answered because i barely say anything and i keep spacing out contrary to how i usually am. and all those times i had been thinking about you.

you you you. its always about you. why? how did my defence crumble so easily. how DID I even let u in just like that? unfathomable. even for me.

my spacing out periods have gotten longer and more frequent. todays accident had been one of those times.

i’m losing myself.

i have started to hate sleep. a rare exclamation from someone who used to spend half her days refusing to acknowledge the fact that its time to get up.

over the past month falling asleep has been one of the hardest things to do. the dark silence makes it almost impossible to block out memories of you and every 2-3 days you come haunting in my dreams. i have never been through such an ordeal before. and i dont know how much longer i can hold up lying to everyone and myself that i’m going to be okay when clearly im not.

i have lost over 3 KGS in the past weeks. a feat one would find rather amazing for someone who loves food as much as me. you should know, you adored trying to see how much food i could really take. that night in your arms you had one hand over my stomach and started playing with it. you have no idea how self conscious that made me. i wanted to push your hand away, that is until you said “you fat meh? no what. nice mar like this. too skinny not good.” you made me smile but i hid it from u and answered coldly “fatter than last time la” and closed my eyes with a a contented sigh.

but it isnt falling asleep that’s the most painful. it’s waking up. everytime i feel myself stir the first thing that happens is that annoying clenching of the heart. i have not woken up happy and alive in quite a while.

i still wonder everyday what was those messages you left in my msn while i had been away. if they had really been nothing you would have told me.

i trusted you ….