and this is what i see and feel right now. i want to cower under the streetlight and let the rain wash it all away.

*gif image made with 54 consequtive images taken in the time frame of 3 minutes

is it possible to wake up feeling like you’ve been drugged, dazed confused and drunk?  my head’s spinning and the hearts thumping and it feels almost like im in cold sweat but i know it’s not that. so what is it baby? tell me what is it?

“you’re lucky because you can still fall in love…”

am i really lucky baby? am i? because right now it feels like i’m going to collapse.

no reply, no call, you even switched off your com because ure not on msn no more and yet still no reply. the familiar tightening somewhere inside my chest, the fall into that long neverending vertical corridor. feels like i’m on a rollercoaster ride and i’m just about to reach the peak. cant see shit. nope, just the vast expense of blue skies on my left and right. tilted backwards, you see the edge of the rails and thats it. i dont know how high or how steep the fall is but secretly i do and my hearts doing that crazy dance and i think i’m going to die.

maybe i need to stop falling in love.

maybe i need to learn that people really arent at all worth my love.

i want to be jaded.

just like you and him.

i think im hysterical.

one minute im laughing, the next im slamming my fist against the pillows and then im crying. and the cycle goes on. hello bipolarity check.

welcome back…

Same stretch of road, such familiarity; it felt like i had driven into a brick wall. my heart couldn’t take the reminders. my eyes teared up and my heart plummeted to the floor. i pushed hard against the acceleration, heard the hard choke of my rev as it went well over the norm.

i think it was all the pent up anger i was holding in from the drive out of KL. i used my horn for the first time today. i almost lit a cig in my own damn car. i hate the smell of ciggies in the car. i detest people who smoke in their cars. smirks. i almost lost it.

watching my favourite couple sit on the couch and play video games together. i ached. thrown into the past of playstation 3s and wii. i remember that laugh, i remember those playful competition and i remember the tender eyes when i couldnt get past. 2 different people, but both had once made my happy in the past with something as simple as a video game in the dark.

i thought of bubble tea. how bubble tea would make me happy and then i stopped in my tracks. i remember crap bubble tea in china town. and then i remember introducing yin yong bubble tea to someone else. and then having almost tatsteless one up in that temple on the hill. both important people. both part of my bubble tea phase that only started recently over these few months.

…

sitting at their dinning table. the tv played behind me. i want a home like that. it was a home that felt like home. comfortable. happy. i lay on the living room chair, i calmed down for a second. they talked about having their first child. he wanted a boy, she wanted a girl. i went into a blur confusion, im 19. i shouldnt care about shit like that but i did. for a while i was jealous. i miss the security of having a partner and talking about things we envisioned would happen. a year back,  i remember we talked about kids; how i wanted 3. a boy and 2 girls and the names i would give.

family pictures littered the walls and tabletops. pictures of their prized daughter mostly. i used to be that prized daughter, a long time ago. i never hated my parents as much as it seemed that way. we just stopped connecting somewhere along the way. i still wish they would get over it and accept me and be open about everything. secrets and lack of conversation in fear of being screamed at and called trash is becoming tiresomely disgusting. my house holds nothing but tension and discomfort. i love being in everyone elses home but my own. sad but true.

i look at my reflection in the mirror. i wanted to smash the glass and scream.

no…

i am not at all okay.

tonight i needed you to hold me and tell me it’s okay.

instead tonight you told me no.

not today.

Orange hues, almost magic stream through the cracks of the palm leaves and play across my bedroom walls. Eyes close and i drift away.

Strip.

Naked under the hot cascade of water, those little hues of magic dance across my skin. Across my shoulders it moves along my body up to my fingers and then once again back onto those walls. different walls, but still walls. the heat is intense, the steam fogs up my head. i can barely breath.

Smile.

Electronic Jazz continues in the background. i am barely conscience, but along with the rhythm my body sways under the warmth of the water that reminds me of you. only you have been able to endure the temperatures i so willingly submerge. my eyes open and close as i stare at the moving drugs made by the cracks of light and the movement of the wind. my lips curve into a smile and sick  imagination plays games as i can almost taste the tender flesh of your lips pressed against mine.

i want you…

i laugh, i joke but only those that know me well enough are able to tell and see through me.

“omg gin, you look like those roadside beggers wanna die wanna die like that lor” -NC

“do you really love him that much?” -HY

today i found myself wanting to dig through my packed boxes in search of my art materials, an itch to paint the blue sky dotted with white fluffy clouds exactly like that of children’s fairytales. yet i couldn’t bring myself to do it. instead i lay in bed under the sweltering heat and felt that angry agitation build up inside.

right now i want to scream at something, throw my fist against the wall and maybe even take a gun and shoot myself.

no, i am not suicidal. no, i am not upset.

just frustrated and restless and the beginning of perhaps even jaded.