the month of november started as badly as September with a deep seed of emotional turmoil. that sharp poisonous tongue of mine i had somehow forgotten existed was unleashed on two people that really didn’t deserve it. it was a bad beginning, i knew it. the once soothing feeling of rain against my skin now burns with humiliation and frustration as it is the one thing that reminds me of all that has happened over the past 3 months. with him first and now with you. you’re both so alike the resemblance is uncanny.

waking up in a state of pent up anger i ran out of the house the instance i could. i wanted to run to you, scream at you; break down and cry but instead i went to watch a movie instead. ironic that it would be a movie that you had wanted to watch on the exact same date. you never seem to agree to want to watch anything that i want to, not that it really made a difference. no. because you would never have called me anyway. the main characters reminded me of you, the same age gap that came with their first kiss made me smirk in that dark cold place. i was so near you but i made no move to call. even better, the minute i walked out of the cinema, there stood your brother in front of me. the coincidences are amazing isnt it?

we never really kissed over the month. it was the one thing you chose to avoid and i think that’s what broke me. i never earned that right. she was all you ever though about. yes, you said her name so often, i bet you never even realise. just like how you never realised the hurt that you had already put me through.

i sat down at the table and drank beer last night with some of the best company around. we talked, bitched and had fun. it felt good for a while until we left and i went back to his house.  i lay on the couch with love songs playing in the background and i felt something very wrong. i needed to leave, i needed to get away because as always my tears had threatened to fall. i drove very slowly almost at a stand still and my heart kept pounding in my ears. something was going to happened, i felt it and i wanted to avoid it at all cost.

home, i saw you online. my fingers ached to click on your name and say something but no, i pretended not to see. i was about to leave, close the window and up popped your message screen. what happened next left me reeling in amazement at how dense you were. either dense or a liar and a great pretender.

for the first hour i felt somewhat relieved, rolling my eyes at the words you had picked. i sympathised, felt sorry for you at how angry u really were with the concept of love. how sad it was that you were so incapable of believing in the simple pleasures of actually liking someone. how everything is always just something fake and a misinterpretation of something else. you, the one who loved shakespear yet never really grasp the reasons of what you claimed to be madness behind the genius that you claimed him to be. or maybe you did, yet somewhere along the line you chose to forget.

and i want to hate you, i want to hate you so i can rebuild my walls that i had let you through. hate you with the same intensity of affections i had. yet i can’t. because as fake as you claim them to be, you are not me. and no one knows how i feel better than myself. you cannot even begin to imagine just how far away your accusations really hit because no, i never said i loved you.

and that alone is justifications enough of how sure i am of how i feel for you.