Same stretch of road, such familiarity; it felt like i had driven into a brick wall. my heart couldn’t take the reminders. my eyes teared up and my heart plummeted to the floor. i pushed hard against the acceleration, heard the hard choke of my rev as it went well over the norm.
i think it was all the pent up anger i was holding in from the drive out of KL. i used my horn for the first time today. i almost lit a cig in my own damn car. i hate the smell of ciggies in the car. i detest people who smoke in their cars. smirks. i almost lost it.
watching my favourite couple sit on the couch and play video games together. i ached. thrown into the past of playstation 3s and wii. i remember that laugh, i remember those playful competition and i remember the tender eyes when i couldnt get past. 2 different people, but both had once made my happy in the past with something as simple as a video game in the dark.
i thought of bubble tea. how bubble tea would make me happy and then i stopped in my tracks. i remember crap bubble tea in china town. and then i remember introducing yin yong bubble tea to someone else. and then having almost tatsteless one up in that temple on the hill. both important people. both part of my bubble tea phase that only started recently over these few months.
…
sitting at their dinning table. the tv played behind me. i want a home like that. it was a home that felt like home. comfortable. happy. i lay on the living room chair, i calmed down for a second. they talked about having their first child. he wanted a boy, she wanted a girl. i went into a blur confusion, im 19. i shouldnt care about shit like that but i did. for a while i was jealous. i miss the security of having a partner and talking about things we envisioned would happen. a year back, i remember we talked about kids; how i wanted 3. a boy and 2 girls and the names i would give.
family pictures littered the walls and tabletops. pictures of their prized daughter mostly. i used to be that prized daughter, a long time ago. i never hated my parents as much as it seemed that way. we just stopped connecting somewhere along the way. i still wish they would get over it and accept me and be open about everything. secrets and lack of conversation in fear of being screamed at and called trash is becoming tiresomely disgusting. my house holds nothing but tension and discomfort. i love being in everyone elses home but my own. sad but true.
i look at my reflection in the mirror. i wanted to smash the glass and scream.
no…
i am not at all okay.
tonight i needed you to hold me and tell me it’s okay.
instead tonight you told me no.
not today.
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