it’s one of those days where you wake up feeling like you’re the most worthless person alive and realise that you’ve been crying in your sleep. the telltale signs of wet pillows, stinging puffy eyes and a restless heartbeat.

the sky was an amazing colour today. blue like the day i came home from australia. call it dejavu but i remember feeling the same broken hearted way while staring wishfully at the blue gradient of almost perfect weather.how i wanted to run away from it all, jump off a cliff or dive into the ocean.

the cinematic orchestra has an amazing array of instrumental sounds capable of expressing my confused mood right now. driving aimlessly around bangsar houses just now, the beauty of the skies and the swaying of the trees made me feel like it was going to be all right. the sight of the fat labrador rolling around the floor cheered me up immensely until i saw the sight of that black dog in her arms. and for the first time, i felt a pang of jealousy and detested the sight of her and what she had undoubtedly meant to you. for some reason i always felt that the both of you were made for each other. so where does that place me but a passing attraction that tripped and got stuck.

blue skies and rain. things that once made me happy just no longer feels the same.

and it was here i learnt to let go, open myself and allowed myself to be vulnerably naked to thee.

i love you.

When Stars Collide @ 11.30 p.m

someone once asked me what were the chances of us meeting when there were a millions of others in the world around us. so many more out there and yet once again that stupid thing called fate would throw us headlong into each others path. irony does that a lot doesnt it?  how in the beginning we always think nothing much of each other, realising only how important these little chances really are when it’s almost too late, or maybe even when it’s already too late.

how often is it really that we would walk into a person’s life and feel totally at ease. to be able to let go and be who we really are; naked and unshielded, defences totally let down. why are humans so naive? so dumb to the extent that we would even allow ourselves to be placed in such a vulnerable place. is the joy of feeling human emotions really worth the amount of suffering that often comes with it?

being around this particular someone, unknowingly i had forgotten to place up my walls. i became totally transparent, allowing myself to be seen by him without the mask that i have learnt to live with. unconsciously i had invited him into my life, telling the most important people to me about him and even introducing him while openly showing my affections. and all this while it never became apparent to me on why i did what i did or why it happened the way it did.

i didnt mean to hurt you, i never meant to hurt you because right now i wish i could take away all your pain.

“you know same stars clash right?” i said to him.

“when two stars clash, it’s always beautiful” he answered back.

as short as it has been so far, it really was beautiful wasnt it? but just like the real thing, it’s beauty lasted only momentarily and now we’re faced with destruction and the beginning of either a black hole or a new neutron star. the former being the closer instantaneous reaction.

but despite that, i will try with all my heart to claw my way out of that hole and hold on with my dear life to that little glimmer of hope that brought us face to face in the first place.

2012 was a bad movie for me. boring and draggy and so unbearably predictable with scenes much too familiar for one who used to stalk the cinema lines 3-4 times a week in the past. yet one thing kept bugging me and it was the whole parent kid connection thing.

over the past 2 months i have had the honour of meeting one 9 year old that made my heart twitch in affections im not entirely familiar with. i never really did like kids that much once they passed the 7 year old phase, naughty destructive and overly irritating. yeah i get along with them fine but for me to really sit there and bond with them proved to be an almost impossible task for me or maybe it was because i never really had the oppurtunity of a large amount of time for attachment.

i have spent only 2 or was it 3 weekends with this one and on the last weekend, neither one of us expected it to actually be the last in a long time. the things he’s told me the things i’ve shared with him and the anger i felt when he told me the problems he was going through. i cared so much for him i was damn near tempted to march into his school and tell off the dim wits that were messing around with him.

i remember his best friends names, though each week he told me a new one because it’s easy for kids to trust and let go. and how i promised to take him and his best friends out for a movie or ice cream. there was a time he wasnt feeling too well and got upset at me because i wouldnt stay over in his room, the look he gave me almost killed me and i really dint know how else to react but to tell him hey it’s okay, i’ll see you later all right?

the last time i really saw him, it was a sunday morning and he had been awake waiting for me to get up and play wih him. out of nowhere he came up to me and gave me a hug before telling me “you know! i like you a lot right!! and i treat you as my friend! i want to be friends with you!! i hate ***** and so does ***!”  and i din’t know whether to laugh or cry. right now i want to cry, because it feels like i’ve made myself disappear from his life the very moment he told me how important i was…

i missed his birthday because i had been playing games on facebook and ended up getting caught in a jam. i made him cookies and cupcakes that he never got but he called me on the phone to tell me thank you anyway. it feels good to have someone that young call you to tell you thank you and tell you about his day.

and that was the last time i ever heard his voice.

and i know, if i had been him; i would hate me right now. why? im not sure. but it’s just a hunch that breaks my heart.

a blog filled with Hong Kong and pictures of egg tarts and the cityscape and automatically i think of you. memories of you and your smile flood through and i remember how you were suppose to take me to Hong Kong with you when you went to see your mum a few months back. We sat, contemplated and figured it would be crazy for you to fly me there for just 2 days because there would be no time to do anything anyway. at that time i jokingly said nehh!! dont care laaaaaa tell your mum i’m your girlfriend la and all you did was smile. still i hadnt realise a thing and continued rattling on about random things that happened to cross my mind.

you like egg tarts and said one day you would bring me to the famous hong kong egg tart place. how your face lit up when you asked if i like egg tarts and the nostalgia i felt when we walked into that small chinese bakery in China Town. the egg tarts still taste the same. i know. i remember. years but never changing.

i walked really slowly along the walk, staring at the pretty lights and again you asked if i’ve been to hong kong. and repeatedly we would have this conversation on how beautiful the city lights were and how much more extravagant it is. you talk of hong kong like you lived there your entire life and i would smile and nod my head and the conversation would always end the same way.

“one day i’ll take you okay?”

why did it start and end the way it did?

will i ever be able to look at you the same again?

you know…you still owe me home made chocolate mousse and my pink channel bag and a trip on that yatch you claimed you were going to one day get. =)