dark night, dim lights. the radio’s playing songs that fit the mood. this girl she sits next to me; her minds a wonder and the air in this space is a strange reminder of what was once us. our stretch of road, our hands intertwined. sometimes, it hurts to think of you because every once in a while i really do still miss you.

someone once told me as he lay next to me in bed not to get too attached because he wouldnt have the heart to walk out on me. i asked him why? it’s easy isn’t it? just walk away when you can’t take it. and he told me a line that is a reminder of just how much love a person can give to someone else.

“every one i truly care about, i leave a part of me. it may not be my entire self but still this little part of me is given and left with that person.”

with this girl that had her head in a blunder, i told her something very personal to me. one thing that i have not confided with in anyone else by far. i don’t know why i did it but i did. perhaps it was because i was trying to console her that there really is no choice but to go ahead with what it was she needed to do. but instead i cried telling her the story of our last intimate moment in that heated room lined with mirrors as we watched our own reflections.

that moment i sat slumped against the wall in the cold by the heater and you sat on the edge of the bed next to me. i remember crying as we talked about just what exactly it was that had become of us and just where it would go. i needed you to hold me and yet you kept your distance and resisted. we both knew what would happen but being held by you at that moment felt so right that time. “god, you’re beautiful.” you whispered those words to me in that voice and london boy accent i had fallen so insanely in love with. and then you brought me back into our room where the inevitable just had to happen.

it is always that real final touch and naked embrace that brings you into this state of trance that leaves you reeling in a smoke cloud of dream like illusions and messed up emotions. but it is for that particular reason those memories are the ones that remain with you and pull delicate movements at ones heart strings. it was a period of love, untainted, unspoiled in all it’s painful splendor.

it really is such a painful thing to love someone isnt it? to be able to allow oneself to let go knowing that your love will always remain for as long as you live. or maybe it’s just me and how like the line quoted above, with every person i love i give them a part of me. and as long as we live, that part given away follows along tugging and reminding of the love that had once erupted and surrounded each and every partner. breaking up never really is easy and it never will be.

but thank you for those wonderful 2 and a half years. i never really got to tell you that.

and yes, i do still love you in a sense somehow.

- polar bear