i never really believed i could walk away from you.

tonight you made me so much closer.

i never knew i could hate you.

tonight i hate you in a way that it feels like all this while it had just been a game and betrayal was what had concurred.

that was not the case.

but tonight,

tonight you sincerely made me hate you.

at least for this moment and time.

they say your closest friends can tell a fate of your relationship in the first meeting. an inate ability for them to sense and access the strangers personality in a split instance out of the care they have for you. and all we will do is sit back and defend our ground with the lowesr possible form of integrity; blind hope.

how they are able to tell how much of yourself you have thrown into the moving stream and just how weak you will become from the years of watching you grow.it is always these 3rd parties that watch and observe who are able to deduce situations much closer to the truth than those deluded by the still fantasy of promises and trust. such is the sad truth of a repeating cycle.

a while ago i promised myself not to let my walls down, never again to leave it unguarded in sheer terror and fear of the heartbreaks that would ensue and that pathethic ‘give myself up entirely’ personality to emerge.  but as always it really is much easier said than done isnt it?  more so when you are standing in front of your wall hissing and scratching at anyone that tries to come close, oblivious to the little puppy that comes trotting towards your wall from behind. you are taken by surprise and resolve breaks as you squat there and look into his bright inquisitive eyes. we always never realise that it is this puppy that will have the power to crumble your walls until the deed is already done.

“i think you have gotten much stronger than you used to be” – 29 Jan Midnight, H

and i had thought those words to be true until i dreamt of you.

i have not woken up crying since what had happened in Sydney until today. neither have i woken up in exactly the same position i fell asleep in like the way i used to do 4 years back.

how is it even possible to have an absolutely normal dream of someone standing in the corner of your room looking exactly the way you found absolutely beautiful? how he is standing right there and how he kisses you the moment you turn around in your sheets. the exact identical feeling of his hand on your thighs and the warmth of his hugs on a cold quiet morning. it is strange that he looks perfectly adapt to his surroundings despite him only once stepping in for only a handful of minutes and critisizing the very room you dreamt him in.

a persons memory is a scary thing. how it it is able conjure up these images and even recreate the feelings of a persons touch in our subconsciouce dream. but what if i dont want to remember? what if with every reminder i feel my heart drop and that unsettling clench comes haunting back?

i was suppose to be so much stronger, so much more jaded. so why am i not as numb as i had believed i was?

why does he do this to me even in that few hours of dead sleep?

i never intended for this to happen. i never intended to give myself to him. and i never intended to fall in love again that easily. shit really does happen huh?

Hey mann what you doing here
I don’t remember letting you in

Hey mann how d’you get in here
You’re in my heart without consent

I always took pride in my selfcontrol
To my heart only I had the key

But something’s gone wrong with my radar screen
You slipped by and you captured me

Hey mann what you doing here
I don’t remember letting you in

Hey mann how d’you get in here
You’re in my heart without consent

I’ve done all I could to keep my head clear
Logic tells me that this should never be

But there’s no mistaking the shape I’m in
Love has filled my every waking day

Hey mann what you doing here
I don’t remember letting you in

Hey mann how d’you get in here
You’re in my heart without consent

Now hear, here’s the strangest thing
The day has come I thought I’d never see

I walk smiling in a lightglow and I’m calling out your name
I’ve lost the battle and I’m quiet well pleased

Hey mann what you doing here
I don’t remember letting you in

Hey mann how d’you get in here
You’re in my heart

Hey mann what you doing here
I don’t remember letting you in

Hey mann how d’you get in here
You’re in my heart

-Hey Mann, Lizz Wright

brick buildings and scattered solitary street lamps in a monochromatic world feels so enticing all of a sudden. a drizzle of rain and couples huddled together under their private umbrellas and every gesture, every expression tells a different story.a river of faces, each unique and very special. you can barely tell though, in this monochromatic world.

every one but themselves are nothing but a passing shadow yet every once in a while these strangers walk under the glowing white of lamps and a glipse of their story is partially exposed. happiness, joy, anger and resentment; it’s all there in a whirlwind of mixed emotions. each story followed by a special tune on its own. soft, flowing melodies; the soundtrack of a person’s life would make things all the more magical.

like an oil painting, it’s the little details that make the picture speak a thousand words; the little cracks in the sidewalks, the puppy sitting in the corner and even the puddles on the floor. it’s always the tiniest speck of imperfection that completes the beauty that the eyes barely sees. even a wilting flower becomes something amazing in  a world of only black and white hues.

such is the mysterious air that comes without colours. and such is the temptations of a world that is of my reclusive shelter.

i want to stand hidden under the shadows and observe the passing of these fragile hearts slowly come unexposed. to stand undiscovered by others and like the ghost of the town, roam about free and learn all these is to learn about what it is to be human; untainted and what they should originally be.

aiyooo.. sorry la. picture spam kau kau as always but what to do really so damn backdated already. i rememebr a time where it was just a month backdated and i claimed i would keep it up to date but months down the road.. it’s almost a year behind. LOL. tres tragic much?

and uhh.. if u notice the title..this is a familiar title no? hahaha. i posted part 1 like in may last year without pictures promises to get juicy pics of some russian models that were around but i got lazy and forgot to transfer the pics….

soooo.. mostly pics of me me and more me. wtf. u may now click X.

u know laaa..i like all these blurred colour thingies wan

dont find the patterns always so pretty meh. the randomness of it

er.pointless

gin.fugz

cwlor.

samccx.cwlor

sam!! u actually look like u have meat here!

before the red kicks in.

and it starts. pfft

alvin24!

gin.levy. eh shut up la i know i got huge arms.

daddy tj!

ghosting!

hur hur hur.

champagne lips

din!

the duck face and the blotchy redness. pfft

yeay!

hi sam!

spaced

ohhhh.. din caught a rainbow on his head!

kisses

and 2 high girls

plus a happy boy. and his happy girl

moet n chandon.?

faddy!!

pretty mar he glass T_T

party like a rock star. lol

eh what am i playing with ah. i dont remember

eeeeeeeeeeeeeee

is it strange to feel totally at peace with everything while just lying there staring at the passing clouds? to feel as if with every gust of wind that brushes against your face, a secret is whispered.

people always call me weird for my ability to lie or sit around doing absolutely nothing for hours end just spacing out and watching the world pass as the minute hand of clocks constantly tick by. and it always and still does make me wonder, what’s the rush? just pause for a minute, sit back and let the world pass you by. stay frozen in this personal wonderland and fall back into our innermost dreams.

does it not feel that with every hurried step we take, we walk closer and faster towards our own death? that busy buzz that makes the world feel like it’s spinning just so much faster than it really should be?

i feel like i have so much more to say. but right now i’m stumped. so goodnight world.

and take a break.