Love is a funny thing to experience.

I haven been in two staccato relationships. Both didn’t last long, but it was a short time of bliss. It felt good to receive love and care. Sometimes I think back and wonder, what if. What if I didn’t call it quits? Would it last until today? Would I have been as patient as I think I would be. Actually I doubt so.

Boyfriend #1 happened following a courageous incident. Boyfriend#2 because of determination.

But none of it lasted really long.

I was afraid. Afraid that I wouldn’t be able to handle it. It would be remorseful for me to handle the kind of pain I see the others going through. I am afraid that love would turn out to be something so important I never thought I needed. Maybe playing a strong front wasn’t the best idea but whenever I play it down a little, I get hurt. Its always when I feel that I have found the right one (who always turns out to be the unexpected kind) when they start breaking my heart. 

I have felt that kind of pain. That kind where your heart feels so sour you feel it folding into a mini bag. I have cried my nights off holding onto my chest, listening to my favorite songs. But I have never cried aloud, they have always been streaming tears hidden in the dark. There were also times when certain objects reminded me of  my feelings, I’d feel a strong sting that spreaded goosebumps all over my body. Every single thing I do remind me of Him – even when I’m sweeping the floor.  It’s always the what if’s. l If this happens to me when somebody I like breaks my heart, I can’t imagine what would be the end of me when I love. I hate that kind of feeling. The feeling of a departure of someone who I really care about, and want to do well. At times like this, it really isn’t important for me for things to work out in between both of us. All I’ve ever wanted was for them to be happy.

Love is so scary, I wonder why it exists. 

I’ve had alot of short come and go’s. Out of the lot, there actually were a few who truly liked me for who I am. Is it really stupid of me to think that feelings need to be mutual for a good ol’ relationship to kick off? I never believed in the “feelings will grow” theory, considering the fact that I’m pretty stubborn for who I am. For the men who I have liked, it all seemed to be mutual but it didn’t feel like they were good to last. Besides, they all had their own happiness and goals that I didn’t want to interfere into. To them, I was just someone they knew. I’m pretty good in concealing myself so they never did.

One was the macho type. He never really told me about himself, neither did I. We just clicked really well only after the second day we met. The first time I started to flutter was when he shifted my sleeve that dropped of my shoulder back to where it was supposed to be. It was really cold but we were enjoying a performance so I never noticed. It’s always this little things. I can’t understand why. He told me about his worries, and was surprised by himself when he did because he never found the right person to tell. It wasn’t like he thought I was the right one, but things just naturally flowed and picked up from there. He walked me to home and at days when he couldn’t, he would always tell me to put on more clothes or  a hat so that I wouldn’t catch the attention of others. He always saw me get off the transport. At days when we were bored, we’d go to a cafe and stay there for at least 5-6 hours with almost little or no conversation. It was always body language. We played coin games, riddles and prank called

Once, he was really depressed so he asked if I could go look for him. It was unusual for him to ask such so I told him yes, of course although I was with other friends. It was late at night, about 10 PM. I didn’t know where his house was so I walked in between the aisles, across the hills alone in the dark. At the end I got lost so I called him for help. He didn’t know where I was, and we were both worried for each other. He lectured me over the phone about how clumsy I was and why would I want to let such thing happen to me. He said he is just going to stay around and see if  I can find him, but I could hear him running and panting. It was the first time I ever felt such care. I wasn’t afraid of the dark because the place was consideringly safe. I told him not to worry as I can find my way out. After a tedious 40 minute walk and phone communication, he suddenly stopped talking over the phone. I thought the line got cut off so I just hung up. He then called me again and remained silent.He was about 150 metres infront, looking directly at me. I was at the end of the aisle, he was at the other. When we met eyes, he jumped and waved like a little boy. I was a little hungry so he brought me to his favorite restaurant, whose owner knew him well. The owner saw us and asked if I was his girlfriend, he just smiled and casually said no. I’m glad he did.We spent the whole night together outside a bank. We just sat there under the cold and enjoyed each other’s company. 

It’s not love or a relationship that is important to me, it’s just these memories that are so precious and heart warming that is.

It’s been such a long long time.  

I’ve been an idiot for fairytales but I never really believed they existed. That forever type of thing? Nah, it won’t happen. Not even when forever could possible just mean for your whole life. Even tattoos don’t stay forever. But then again, I doubt myself at certain times. Maybe I’m only saying this because i have never experienced anything close to forever?

I saw Boyfriend #1 about a month ago. I forgot his last name. I only knew him by his Christian name but I couldn’t bring myself to say my hellos. It was so awkward. I don’t know if I broke his heart, or was it just a game?  The last time I saw Boyfriend #2 was no where near recent, but the last time I say him he was the same. He treated me so well I keep wondering why’d I call it quits. Perhaps he is happier now, although I think he thinks I have a deep dislike for him. We’re always quarreling, I never understood why. Maybe because he saw through me so well I got defensive. But I truly appreciated every little thing he did. Maybe it wasn’t meant to be, or maybe the timing wasn’t right
You know when people judge your other halves? They tell you about how snobbish and conceited he is when he’s with his friends and all. It really doesn’t matter to me, as long as I believe and truly know he is an entirely different person when he is with me. And I truly believe love can change a person so drastically in a way even you would be brought aback. The only question is to whether will he remain that way along the road, after many many years?