i’ve realise that i’ve been called many things in my past relationships. called names i have never been too proud of but it is your accusations of me that continuously bring me to a point of questioning. till this day you doubt by sincerity and have this bias picture of who i am and how i am like. day in day out you accuse me of not letting go of my past, of me continuously comparing you to them. yet i wonder if you really realise the actual picture of it all.

I AM NOT HER.

and it’s getting very tiring for me to have to keep trying to keep this fact even remotely clear.

maybe once upon a time i had the patience to turn a blind eye to it all, to keep quiet and conceal any form of unhappiness you have inflicted on me but i am not any better than you are. i may not have gone through as much emotional turmoil as you claim to have, but trust me when i say i’m sure it’s just as bad. and many a times i wonder, how the fuck is it possible that i’m still standing here today in a relationship instead of lying dead somewhere in some suicide story.

my depression has not resurfaced for over 2 years now, not in full blown proportions anyway. a hint of it has occasionally appeared but it goes away after a good cry or two. it really has been a while since i last stopped eating and the thoughts of slitting my wrist come back haunting. i thought i was through with it. finally got out of that wretched phase. how wrong i was.

you saw it coming. i know you did. you keep asking if im okay when im in front of your eyes. but the minute im not there, it doesnt really matter what happens to me anymore does it? as long as it doesnt kill me it’s fine.

well guess what?

maybe it’ll be you that does it.

because i give you my full hearted congratulations. i have lost myself once more. and these morbid thoughts and dark clouds are back to haunt.