there is always a list. a list of what a good daughter should be. a list of duties she is expected to carry out in order to prove just how well educated and loving she should be. this list, once ticked off correctly earns you the title of the perfect daughter moulded exactly as what society would nod their heads in agreement to what they see fit. but have you ever looked beyond  that little scrap of insecurities and were you really ever there to watch me grow up and see just what i’ve actually really become? how every word and action of yours has reflected upon my own habits and personality.

we are so much more alike that you would choose to believe. yet did i ever pose judgement upon you in the past when everyone else shook their head and asked if i were angry at you or threw questions at me like why they never saw you. i knew the answer, i had it and it really didn’t matter to me. it was your life, not mine. as long as you never did anything to intentionally hurt me, i stood by your side all those years keeping silent to the angry rants she threw at me or those unfriendly looks of pity passed onto me. so why is it so hard for you to understand that what i do is entirely my decision and to understand enough to know that i would never do something that could ultimately cause anyone harm. 

“you are not young anymore. use your brain and think la” were your angry words at me. i am glad you seem to think so. but yet you give no recognition of that. you tell me how i am no longer a kid yet you continue to behave as if i were still that child that sat on your shoulders asking you questions you never really could answer.

being the youngest i was always the one everyone blamed. when something went wrong anywhere, the baby of the family the one everyone loved most would also be the one who had it the most. i took a lot of verbal abuse growing up and it taught me to become a defiant child.it made me learn how to stand up for myself instead of yielding to the sort of bullshit the world often disposed around. i watched as arguments broke out and my favourite items were thrown about. items that belonged to me yet neither of you had taken into consideration as you picked it up and smashed it against things around.

i never cried during these episodes. neither did i ever take sides. i would just sit and stare refusing to believe either one was at fault. when it got too much i would stand and walk away from the ruckus into my own world of fairies and unicorns, computer games and story books. i grey up quite the loner.i was never really close to either my brother nor my sister yet i was constantly pulled into their world allowing me to see things in the eyes of someone much older. so is it really wrong that i found comfort in the friends around me and the homes of others as well?

i am happiest left alone.

why havent you noticed that.

i was closest to you when you believed i knew what i was doing.

and i miss those peaceful days when you didnt stay at home everyday.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

i saw her again today. and as she sat in her chair and said those words, she clutched on to that teddy bear you bought her those many years ago. and i felt an uneasy kind of jealousy flood through me. you will never feel the same way for me you did her. i understand this. yet i still find it so hard to accept.

while he threatened me in the car about my so called inability to see my self worth, i felt no emotion. his words meant nothing to me and all it brought was angry resentment. it’s funny. how does an angry person release tears of undefnied sadness the moment the bear was recognised really is beyond me.

am i really in this much deeper than i believed myself to be? if so, do i try to release myself or continue to let it grow?

it is so hard to take the place of someone that i seem unable to match up to sometimes.

“the odds are against you. if you choose to go on know that it’s going to be very hard for you.”

so tell me baby, how long do you think i can really hold on?

a smile on my lips may not really be a smile in this game of self control and stubborn determination.

Dear Sheen Leng,

It has been almost 15 years since we met, considering the fact that  I assume we were friends since 5. Minus the drama that caused us about 3 years of silence, it has still been a long way down the road. You are still the same old girl who loves sweet cotton candy type of cardigans. I still remember your very first, it was a bright but smooth yellow one. As I never owned a cardigan then, I have always secretly wanted to try them on.

I also remember always wanting to eat from your lunchboxes that you brought to school. They were always so prettily packed and although we were friends, I never really dared to ask for any. Well, we played together but you had your own group of friends.

You are the type of friend that I simply hate and love at the same time. Both emotions balance on the level so perfectly I can’t distinguish what do I really feel of you. You are almost everything I yearn to not be, but yet I do find that courage of yours to be interestingly eye opening at times. Our opinions on things generally don’t come together, if not completely contrasting, but it’s funny how we actually don’t need to know who’s right or wrong.

As of far, you are one of my most welcoming friends that I have ever had and I would never want to jeopardize this by labelling you as my best friend because best means the best and we both know what the term can bring upon a good friendship. I can’t have a best, but  I can definitely see you as one of my closes friends, if not it.

Thank you for accepting my occasional mood swings but I also have to apologize as it is only with people like you when I can finally let go of me emotions and not cage them into where I always think it should be hidden. Actually, I don’t recall being in mood swings but I do like to get exceptionally quiet at times after alot of talking. Most probably something in between the conversation hit me at a spot, I don’t know. I’m just saying.

Sometimes I don’t know the perfect term to describe you because every single thing about you has a perfect division of both good and bad. Like how you can be selfish but the most giving, stubborn but understanding. Things like that. You know everytime you do something that goes against what I personally think is right, I don’t like it. I know you know. But as a friend I won’t try to stop you from it because I know that’s what makes you happy.

After watching Vicky Christina Barcelona, I suddenly understood the type of happiness and route you were talking about. You always told me about wanting to be happy, even for one single moment and that’s all you need – disregarding the negative consequences that had or may come. I never understood why, but that didn’t meant I wasn’t supporting you. It was just that I thought it was better to just let you be happy, as long as I never went against my own principles of cheering you on something I strongly believe is wrong.

You always say “You know know what will happen” with a smile.

To me, the phrase can never be put that way.

It was always “You never know what will happen okay!” signed with a deep frown.

As we discussed, maybe I am a little traditional and I always like to juggle with life on the safe side. Just like Vicky, I always want to know and assume that I know what I want. But then again, after the movie I thought. Maybe I just know what I don’t want – just like Christina. Maybe I could be envious of your courage in daring to challenge yourself by gambling with your emotions – something I can never dream and think of doing.

What ever happens to you, I just hope you stay happy and if there was one wish I could make for you as you, it’d be for having a happy and harmonious family.

Well, as for me – I hope now that you’re no longer a teen, you will start to see what you want and one day finalyl realise what you don’t want AND want, just like Christina.

Love,

Taufu Nat

(this is an illegal guest blog)

in an attempt to wish you all happy chinese new year and happy valentines day on video yesterday, it was discovered that the Macbooks in built camera was not longer functioning. hence no video no wish no new post. IN compensation of all that =p here are 2 updated items just taken yesterday!! hohoho. wah so fresh can =p rare okay!! and an introduction to someone special =)

seeing as it was Chinese New Year and all and we bought a bunch of this he figured we might as well let one go on the first day of Chinese New Year and make a Valentine wish. Hehe.  Dumb Dumb actually wrote Ginny <3 Arthur on the lantern! cheh!! he write wan sould be opposite right but he says its always the girls name first. *rolls eyes* guys and their masochism. so ego hor =p Yup, his name is Arthur and i know a lot of you have been wondering who the hell i’ve been seeing for the past 3 months. hahaa. yeah well now you know =)

ps to fishball clan: IM SAVING SOME LANTERNS SO WE CAN LET GO ON WEDNESDAY!! ohohohoh. please remind me to bring post it notes so we can stick our wishes on the lantern XD

now eveyrbody say Hi to Arthur! please ignore his dirty feet and his rather dorky expression. cannot be helped. he is very dorky wan. but i laike dorks. so hows. and yah i know i got retarded face also but i am retarded anyhows so it’s all good i had a good valentines.

so HAPPY CHINESE NEW YEAR and belated Valentines Day to the rest of ya!!

XOXOXOXO. me love you long time!

i’ve realise that i’ve been called many things in my past relationships. called names i have never been too proud of but it is your accusations of me that continuously bring me to a point of questioning. till this day you doubt by sincerity and have this bias picture of who i am and how i am like. day in day out you accuse me of not letting go of my past, of me continuously comparing you to them. yet i wonder if you really realise the actual picture of it all.

I AM NOT HER.

and it’s getting very tiring for me to have to keep trying to keep this fact even remotely clear.

maybe once upon a time i had the patience to turn a blind eye to it all, to keep quiet and conceal any form of unhappiness you have inflicted on me but i am not any better than you are. i may not have gone through as much emotional turmoil as you claim to have, but trust me when i say i’m sure it’s just as bad. and many a times i wonder, how the fuck is it possible that i’m still standing here today in a relationship instead of lying dead somewhere in some suicide story.

my depression has not resurfaced for over 2 years now, not in full blown proportions anyway. a hint of it has occasionally appeared but it goes away after a good cry or two. it really has been a while since i last stopped eating and the thoughts of slitting my wrist come back haunting. i thought i was through with it. finally got out of that wretched phase. how wrong i was.

you saw it coming. i know you did. you keep asking if im okay when im in front of your eyes. but the minute im not there, it doesnt really matter what happens to me anymore does it? as long as it doesnt kill me it’s fine.

well guess what?

maybe it’ll be you that does it.

because i give you my full hearted congratulations. i have lost myself once more. and these morbid thoughts and dark clouds are back to haunt.

always trust your intuition. if your body tells you something bad is going to happen, something bad is going to happen.

twas stupid of me to think that everything was just in my imagination. to wake up feeling like nothing could go wrong despite all the warning signs like a dead fish and quiet depressive air. go on baby, drive on home and park your car in front of that shop you once so frequently walked into. come out almost a 100 bucks poorer for some unjustifiable reason drive on home and start work. that aromatic scent of vanilla essence and brown sugar, your heart goes “i hope it works like it used to and i hope he likes it.” cookies done made and packed, someones at the door. too late for another type of confectionary but oh well, valentine gift discussion begins and a few frantic sms-es exchanged on whether it’s a good idea.

KLCC gave a headache, perhaps it was foreboding and the shop i wanted to get his stuff from no longer exist. something else pops up into mind but oh dear, times running short. tomorrow there’s still time.

rush off to bangsar and last minute chinese new year shopping starts. a few happy girly pieces here and there and ever thought is always the same. “will he like it? what if i have to meet everyone? is this too casual? i hope he thinks its cute.” shoppings done and i am very very happy. much too happy.

and then the downfall just had to come. my happy day shattered in a matter of minute and a tearful car ride made another happy camper unhappy. now her heads in a mess as well. it’s the domino effect. he kills my day and my depression kills hers. looks like double valentine got shot.

it’s never a good thing to become attached the way i do. it’s never wise to love someone as much as i have the tendency too. this weakness gives them power. a power over my moods and asprirations. it really is never a good thing.

the bright side to the story.

i ate nothing today but a cookie to test. and finished off my day with a habit i kicked quite a while back.

my first meal = a stick of menthol.

this therefore equates to a skinnier ginny. i guess it aint so bad after all.