this song reminded me so much of you. the moment i saw the title and heard the melody. yet reading the translated lyrics i started crying even harder than the previous 2 times today and i wasnt so sure anymore. somehow it felt more like a song meant for me. of this fear that i am constantly faced with being with you. i dont know why but call it a hunch i guess.
today a friend i have not seen for some time appeared in my booth. 4 of them in fact. but out of these 4 the loudest one asked “so when’s your wedding?” its hard to tell if these guys are joking because out of the 4 one of them got engaged after being together for less than half a year. i laughed and said it’s a long time more isnt it? and in all seriousness he said “i know that but what i meant was do you see him as a potential husband? he has to be right. you’ve pretty much ignored everyone else.” and for a while i was stunned. engaged person kept quiet and started playing with his phone while the other 2 stared and then pretended not to have heard anything.
and without a thought i smiled and answered to be honest i would marry him right now but the issue isnt him it’s about me and the things i have to deal with right now. the moment those words escaped i wanted to take them back.
today my heart shattered. it was cracked to begin with, and the cracks kept spreading. yesterday i knew u said it to make me smile after what happened in the car. today when you took it back you drove a nail in the crevices of a small crack. and from there you kept going on saying and doing things thats felt like you were holding a hammer driving the nail in. it did it. it broke my heart into a million pieces the moment i got your call at 8PM sitting alone in my car under the rain in the empty dark car park, cold lonely and hungry. and to think i made the others stay back when they could have left just so i could rush off like that. when i rejected 3 dinner invitations smiling at myself when i said i had plans and thinking just what i would wear today.
maybe i really am psychotic like you once called me. but i never said i wasnt. and maybe i am just that little bit more fragile that i make myself seem to be. i am always well known for that. and i guess i should have given u a heads up before it all began.
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