When you stare at a person long enough, you expect to be able to define your feelings towards them. Whether in an argument you want to walk away and never turn back, or stand up and give them a slap out of annoyance. Over the years, I have felt almost every form of it but today there was one I couldn’t fathom.

He told me to stop staring, but for some reason it was the last thing I wanted to do. I expected anger to swell up and erupt the moment he raised his voice and started genuinely cussing. All that happened was a form of confusion. I thought of how I didn’t have the heart to leave the country, or how would he handle kids long term and I smiled to myself. How stupid could I possibly get to have fallen this far in that in a fight I am thinking of the future instead of mocking every word that came out from him.

The moment he averted his eyes, I wanted nothing more but to place my lips gently on his and slip my tongue in. Fear held me back. A lack of self confidence in my assessment of the whole situation provoked thoughts of quietly packing my bags and driving away. To leave him be and never come running back.

We are often placed in a situation where we never know when to leave. When our existence in another persons life may actually be for the worst instead of the better. So what do I do now when I can’t even tell on what level we have reached.

Today the brightly lit sky through the open window proved to be a tempting sight. To just fall and shut off and stop these confusing thoughts.

What is love and what is pure obsession? How do we even begin to define them.

“We always hurt those we love most and the messier and angrier it is, the more we fall in love knowing indeed they care.” Was what a friend said to me last night when he asked about the stability of us.

I laughed and ran back to his side the moment I heard that. I loved him.

But in doing so, perhaps I am destroying his life.