Its a cloudy day today, gloomy with the clashing of thunder in the background. The raindrops have yet to fall but I’m sitting in this cafe, cozy and unsurprisingly sleepy. My books are sprawled in front of me but I can barely even concentrate on a single word much less have these formulas and calculations drilled into my head.

The atmosphere is perfect for a cuddle or a nice quiet book read with french jazz playing softly from the hidden speakers in this romantically lit little gem that has become much of a favourite to me. Yet every afternoon spent here is a sad reminder of my dwindling grades and uninterested mind.

I miss the open air and warm sunshine. Its getting cold here. Much too cold for me.

I remember sitting in my car one evening where the sun shone golden rays that felt absolutely wonderful against my pale fair skin. And on my right, a sight tempted me so much as memories of my childhood came flooding in.

It was the park. It was the perfect weather. I longed to sit on the swings and feel the warm air ruffle my hair or just sit still and stare at the passing day. It was a sight so tempting, yet unreachable at that time. I felt my heart pulse with desire and break with painful disappointment.

Today sitting here in a place I normally felt at peace in, I am torn with a loneliness and a longing to be somewhere else. Somewhere like that park on a warm sunny day or under the sheets on that white bed wrapped in the warmth that is you.

I miss you.

And I miss my days where I didn’t have to give in to societies norms or expectations and obligations of a reluctant student’s life.

on these random days where  we fall asleep so much earlier and i leave for home before we have our usual dinner, i lie on the bed thinking of the last moment spent together. and i am smiling despite how much i wished i was next to you. mornings are always better waking up next to you. a whisper to tell me you’re going to work and a kiss planted on my forehead then lips. instinctively i wrap my arms around your neck, holding on for as long as you will let me before you leave. and then i close my eyes and fall back into sleep remembering your face and smell.

i dread days like today. nights i am to fall asleep alone after days of being there in the warmth of your arms.

and i miss you.

so much.

i can barely even function.

hello! this is a very white lizard eating a cockroach. wtf. i know you can see that but i still think its amusing. wtf. i happen to like lizards btw.

as always la this person needs no introduction already la. but in case he does. hello. this is my thai friend TJ.

and again my ISKL boys LAH! and as much as u guys think i dont give a shit abt u guys anymore i miss you guys heaps =( catch up after exams!! bastards are going to Switzerland for a month and i was suppose to tag along BUT THEY CHOSE DATES WHEN IM GOING TO BE HAVING MY FINALS!!! bastards!!

hahhaa. why does Otto look so gay here also i dunno

wahlao. i swear right. exactly a year ago i was cramming for exams also and now only i upload this. wtf. should be studying for my finals now T___T

cut hair camwhore la!! but why my hair look so weird here. pfft

this is my fav mushroom risotto at Porto Romano TTDI. i know its damn dark la but i dowan flah flash all okay. shy ah

salmon cheese ravioli! also damn awesomesauce wan!

suka lah i camwhore. cannot is it.

this is the look like suet li pic. lol.

dark sial. aihya. okay la. dun wanna hurt ure eyes adi. baibai

When you stare at a person long enough, you expect to be able to define your feelings towards them. Whether in an argument you want to walk away and never turn back, or stand up and give them a slap out of annoyance. Over the years, I have felt almost every form of it but today there was one I couldn’t fathom.

He told me to stop staring, but for some reason it was the last thing I wanted to do. I expected anger to swell up and erupt the moment he raised his voice and started genuinely cussing. All that happened was a form of confusion. I thought of how I didn’t have the heart to leave the country, or how would he handle kids long term and I smiled to myself. How stupid could I possibly get to have fallen this far in that in a fight I am thinking of the future instead of mocking every word that came out from him.

The moment he averted his eyes, I wanted nothing more but to place my lips gently on his and slip my tongue in. Fear held me back. A lack of self confidence in my assessment of the whole situation provoked thoughts of quietly packing my bags and driving away. To leave him be and never come running back.

We are often placed in a situation where we never know when to leave. When our existence in another persons life may actually be for the worst instead of the better. So what do I do now when I can’t even tell on what level we have reached.

Today the brightly lit sky through the open window proved to be a tempting sight. To just fall and shut off and stop these confusing thoughts.

What is love and what is pure obsession? How do we even begin to define them.

“We always hurt those we love most and the messier and angrier it is, the more we fall in love knowing indeed they care.” Was what a friend said to me last night when he asked about the stability of us.

I laughed and ran back to his side the moment I heard that. I loved him.

But in doing so, perhaps I am destroying his life.

Waking up with that horrible feeling of emptiness becomes the sign of the coming days. Till now I never understood how it was humanly possible to feel like having your heart beat painfully at the back of your throat yet there is really no other way to explain that suffocating feeling of nursing a broken heart.

So little a thing that could cause such a mess and strip me of my sleep and rob me of my tears. Nauseating. This tired delirium makes me want to hurt myself, watch myself bleed just to take my mind of things. Secretly, I never got over that phase in my life. I just resisted, unable to bring myself to that level again after all the promises I have made to those that have constantly stood by my side. I love these people more than I would ever love myself. And they are all I hold on to.

In my mind, I constantly see the temptations of speeding cars and a sirens wail. A blackout drenched in thickened red, broken glass and scrap metal heaps. It is a temptation disgusting to many and I’m always left wondering; what happened to that happy child that had so much confidence and love in herself?

I see myself as insignificant in this lifetime. A mere parasite that holds no purpose. And day by day, I become more self conscious of this fact and shrink deeper and deeper into self seclusion and loathing,losing every speck of self respect and confidence that I have left.

Love really is heaven and hell.