sometimes i confuse myself even more than i need to. to look into every little thing like there’s a hidden trick behind. i watch how different you are around me outside and at home and disgustingly i wish we were anywhere but here at home. i hear the words telling me that at home, you dont need to pretend and no act is required but then it makes me wonder so which guy did i really fall for all those months back.

i dont trust very well but easily i do. but when full trust is established, i am all yours. and i am strange that way. it takes more time then i’d like to admit but every little thing does push me further back than it does pull me forward.

i’m waiting.

i’m always waiting. i dont know why but i just am. and this is not something i am accustomed to. to always want to wait for you to show you something or to share a moment with you.

i hear the words i’m coming and my face lights up in that way that i sometimes hate because it only does it for you. and again i am waiting, for you to spend that one little moment with me that i want to spend with you. but you’re always doing something else despite telling me okay you’re there in a while.

maybe it’s not really all that long before you finally show up but the fact of the fact is, when you do that moment is completely gone and i have spent any joy left in anticipating your arrival blinking back tears or lying to myself that hey, it’s okay, it’s not like you didnt expect this to happen.

siu hei is what most people would call it.

is that it? really?

do we not get aggravated when we get sidetracked for just a minute and suddenly we miss the bus that we want to take. do we not feel guilty and aggitated when that few minutes could have stopped a disaster from occurring? or even upset that in that few minutes looking at our phone and we missed something important in the show.

i never really understand how people can take something as time so lightly. not saying that we are always rushing around to finish stuff and to make full use of our time but we never can seem to really establish how precious and important our time is and what those few minutes and hours can mean to another person next to us.

every time i hear the words im coming in a sec/while/soon, all i hear is another lie and a solid blow to my already crumbling level of trust.

“we think he is bad for you. not that he treats you bad. no wait. actually he does. he always like dont care about how you would feel. it’s not about what normal people would expect as duties but how unattentive he seems to be to you but dont bother telling him because he’s just going to say we say that because we’re you’re friends but i doubt thats it because always sided **** instead of you last time but this time i really think he doesnt treat you right lor.”
time and time again.

maybe one day i’ll learn to stop waiting.

after all, i never did before.

maybe then the disappointments will stop their hurting.

Some things are so much harder to see than what we really believe. How almost impossible it is for us to stand in the shoes of another and actually begin to understand. We often think we are able to look through the eyes of another, to see what they see and to feel how they feel. We are conceited like that, acting as if we are all knowing and compassionate enough to such a level that another persons pain truly becomes ours.

Look at the intent rather than the act we say. But what happens when the intent was entirely harmless yet resulted in a disaster? Do we still turn our heads and put on a facade of forced smiles? A knowing nod that says it’s okay even when it really isnt?

To put into perspective, what if A told her friend, B that she thought her make up and her outfit of the day was fine when in truth she didnt. Here, A had no intention of harming her friend or knowing what would happen, lying to her so she would not feel bad about herself. A had only wanted to make her friend feel good about herself and had not a single bad bone in her body. B got the boost of confidence she needed from A and decided that since she looked good, she would join a public pageant unknowing to herself that A had lied to her. B walked on stage and saw only horrified faces and people laughing in the audience. This was a big blow to B’s self confidence and caused her mental issues and she began to fall into a depression due to low self esteem. So is A really innocent? Her lie had meant to be a comfort to B and nothing more, it was unknown to her that the events would unfold itself the way it did.

Everytime we see a path laid out in front of us, there will always be forks along the road and never just one straight one. An action may cause a different reaction in everyone but as unintentional as it had been, it may have still somehow caused pain to another. Do we stand there defending ourselves, patting our own backs and saying “hey, its okay! you didnt mean to hurt her! you only wanted to help!” or should we push our arrogance aside and try to see how our words or actions have hurt the other and whether there is anything we can do to say sorry and help. Alas, this is always so much easier said than done.

I believe it is entirely human nature that we are born selfish and as we grow it grows deeper within us. It is our only means of survival in the ever changing world of ours. Who are we to blame another entirely, when in fact, we the very replica of their sin stands rooted to the fingers that point the blame.

What may seem, never really is the truth; is it?

wahhahahahha. i complete forgot about this set of pics lor. anyway most of them were given to me without edits so im kinda lazy to edit all so im seperating this post into 2. no extreme photoshopping lar omg. i just like to play with colours and maybe a little skin touch up here and there but nothing major like eye enlarging and stuff like that okay “=_=

anyway the point of this shoot was for Celine Yap whom hand made these 2 corsets!! i know right!! so pretty! i actually like them a lot because they were made to her measurements yet the boning was so well made it fit perfectly with my body as well and its super comfy!

pictures as usual taken by Kevin Han

and edits by me! except for the last 2 pics of the first corset!

once again the pics always look nicer when u click on them rather than the actualy thumbnails themselves. actually i dunno why like that. can anyone tell me ah? lol. small not normally look nicer wan meh =X or the thumbnails created by the wordpress mechanism didnt manage to get all the colour spaces?

actually i dun really like tis wan. but my face very thin and sharp so suka je la. wtf

yes la. we have all established that i am a hobbit already. thankiu very much.

dont particularly like this also. but hahahah this pic reminds me of someone (private joke) so i just had to post it up.

i swear my ass has become 2x of that now .__.

lowered the saturation by a lot cuz like more drama ma. aiyo. u enlarge den u paham la.

my fav of this set! =D

i think i look like some strange pixie that has plotted some evil deed. wtf

Today i sat in a restaurant that i have not been to in about 4-5 years expecting to feel as comfortable as i did a long time ago. I felt everything but that.

First it started as a small little place that had huge windows facing the pool. The deco was that of a traditional japanese wood hut and had the capacity to sit maybe only up to a maximum of 20 people. it was a cosy private little place once, a place i would love coming into and just sitting by the window staring at the calm blue reflection of the pool sipping on my warm green tea. a lot of sunlight streamed in through those big glass windows which was a huge plus point for me.

now the place has expanded and is all colours of dark with barely any sunlight being able to come in. the place is 4 times its original size and does not feel as it should be. the simple traditional deco is now somewhat a mix of modern contemporary and an attempt to still look japanese yet not to that of my taste. as i sat on one of their sofa like chairs i felt highly uncomfortable. not that the chair was uncomfortable, it probably is a whole lot more comfortable than the previous ones but the place just didnt feel right for some reason.

i was so sad at the whole complicatedness of the place i couldnt taste my food properly T__T but im sure it was pretty good because the giant chunks of raw fish i had did not have that annoying fishy scent or taste i hate.

and then today i had to go upgrade my ubertwitter only to discover they have also destroyed what i love most about it.

its simplicity.

the reason i use it over twitter.

now its all forms of messy and complicated and colour gradients of failed proportions that are an eye sore to me.

sigh.

okay la not messy messy but i really like how it used to look like T_T the brain dunnit to commute so much unnecessary information with the design and all.

cant people just enjoy the simpler things in life?

whyy whyyyy take away all my simple happiness T___T

did i ever mention how much i love horses? im pretty sure i havent so this post is dedicated to my love for them!! hahahah. well sort of  T____T eh i was damn happy that day okay!! the players let me walk up to their horses and play with them T____T i swear the auro they exude is so calming its amazing. SIGH! this was the last time i was ever surrounded by so many horses until now T_T i want one. can i haz a horsie?!

btw most pics have been colour corrected and had their saturation pushed because it was really cloudy and the original colours were kinda dull. was in a yellow tint mood. lol

i would tell u what he was doing but really im not even sure.

haha i think this pic is so cute la! so brotherly!

armed and dangerous elaine.t

tiba tiba aje in the middle got this performance! 0_o

bored kid being dangerous

FUTURE PHOTOGRAPHER! this boy i swear looks like he making love to his camera wei T_T

iz film. i wants one too T_T

concentration max.

cuuteeeeenesss

entahlah itu muka aper. HUHUHU. beh tah han

eh i think i got this fascination with white pants and black/dark brown riding boots T_T

haha i think very farney this pic. the way the polo stick is angled and the horsies feet

look like they doing equastrian show. everyone do the trot in a circle please!

muka letih giler.

he’s still at it.

haha like cartoon lo this 2!

er random pic at bon odori after that.

muka in the sun since 7am until night time. no other pics of bon odori BECAUSE AGAIN ITS NOT IN MY CAMERA T_____T