can you even hear? HAHHAA or is my bg music too loud? whoops =X

I’m rarely a passenger in the backseat of a car these days. Today I found myself staring out the windows watching people by the dirty messy bus stop along jalan pudu and the people laughing and smiling in the dark mamaks placed along the roadside.

I found myself wishing I was out of the car walking quietly in the dark in one of these seemingly dodgy narrow walkways. Nobody cares when you’re walking there. It’s different from the so called safer roads.

I miss that.

I miss being hidden in plain sight, ignored and unnoticed.

Today, I just don’t want to be seem.

All I want is to walk in those dirty streets with my thoughts and the sound of my quiet footseps and the occasional scurrying of rats I so love and want to own.

I’m tired of this superficial place.

Just so very tired.

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There’s an unrealistic beauty in this one picture, a reminder of how only few hours after coming back home i woke up and felt as if everything had only been a dream. For hours thereafter, i drifted about in confusion; unsure of whether the trip really had existed or had it been conjured up entirely in my dreams from that deep nap i had slid into.

A quick look into my camera confirmed it.

I had been happy. I should be happy so why wasn’t i?

I had stood on that very road the very same day i was staring at him in disbelief, questioning the whole pseudo mix of reality and time.

Alleyways and walkways in a special group of people i loved dearly. Every frame, every image taking me back into time much further that it’s suppose to go.

Why did the terms yesterday and this morning seem like months ago instead of what it should really imply? Had my 21st birthday trip really happen just a day ago? How did so many things unfold itself in this very short time spam and become this disaster area that i am now sitting alone, unmoving in my bed again.

Stop messing with me.

Stop playing around with my head like those light rays that came through the window panes while i lay next to you and your sleepy face while my closest friends remained fast asleep in the bed next to me and that little room further down the corridor.

Yesterday morning i was in love, loved and unbelievably happy lying in a tiny sofa bed that i thought wasn’t really tiny.

This morning i was somewhere else. Unloved and almost seemingly hated as words and expressions came in a flurry against my barely conscious mind.

Now at this moment, i sit alone blinking back tears in this room that has watched me grow throughout my later years annoyed at the questions of your whereabouts and why you weren’t joining us for my so called family belated 21st birthday dinner.

I see tunnels reappear.

Crossroads and decisions, i know i inevitably have to make.

I walk behind you like i always do.

A trait unrecognizable by anyone who knows me as a truth. My dominance and my confidence pulled acres closer to the ground by choice to be with someone as hard as you.

Everyone sees it. Everyone that is but you.

On friday these rocks played their roles as chairs against the calm malaccan straits.

Today they appear to me like the jagged edges of a torn and broken heart slashed to pieces by the things you’ve said and done just moments before this.

Those liquid pools of tears as dense and sticky as the air that blew across our faces while we sat staring at quite literally nothing. Well, all of us did except you who held on to your precious toy no matter where we went or what we did.

I know what i said.

I know what my 10 days meant.

I made a wish.

I dont know if this occurrence was it’s way of fulfilling it but this picture was how i had envisioned it to continue its path.

Does that mean my wish would be something entirely new?

Like the short lived joy of cheap popsicles sticks gone so quickly after only a few hungry licks.

Happiness turns to emptiness in only a matter of minutes.

Uncontrolled emotions and an unforgettable past proving it’s a winner in the matters of a previous love trumping that of a more current presence.

In a blur, there is no reassurance of a simple joy.

Bubbles blown and popped seemed so distant now i can barely even remember. All that i see is a 5 year old you running through the streets with little transparent balls of soap appearing through my magic purple wand.

Such precious gifts prove only forgettable compared to one moment of anger, resentment and pain. Negativity overpowers positivity. 2 days of smiles become non existent after only 5 minutes of frustrations. An inability to filter, organise or have a rationale in its proper sequence. There is only darkness truly left.

I am me.

I am only me.

Never her, never what your mind seems to see.

And i almost want to tear that necklace away. That necklace that looks almost like your complete ownership over something that you dont even want or even wish to see.

I KNOW IVE SUDDENLY GONE MISSING AGAIN BUT I SWEAR IM SO BUSY I DONT EVEN HAVE TIME FOR TV AND BOOKS ANYMORE!! PLS KEEL ME NAO!!

actually i shouldnt even be blogging right now but i can’t help myself. I’ve had a rather depressing day with barely anytime for myself so here i am ranting away and letting the world know about the tragedies that seem to like befalling careless ginny and how her day was filled with forgetfulness and tragedies D=

im pretty careless normally but today i seemed to be at higher form than usual WTF

So as usualy la im the queen of last minute assignment wan. so last night cannot sleep properly cuz brain was partially in panic mode but overall i was just too tired to continue so pandai pandai lah go wake up this morning and do. VERY GOOD. finished the assignment with an hour to spare before class starts! actually i thought class was starting an hour earlier (i saw the wrong time on my watch) and went into panic frenzy mode because i thought i was late and while in the spur of frenzies note printings, i didnt noticed that i printed abt 30 PDF files wrongly…. so i had to throw them all aside (to be used a scrap paper) and reprint them in the correct order and alignment again. WUWUUW

den nvm i had to study for quiz then my lecturer said read this article thingie so okay la i go baca la. den because i had an hour to spare i read slowly all thinking that was all i needed to read. 45 mins b4 class i decide okay la im gonna go class early today but packed up my stuff all and then i was left with half an hour.

so i drive to college and lo and behold. tragedy. no parking in my usual spot. rounded for over 20 mins. finally got a parking somewhere much further than i normally park. rushed to class and i was only 5 mins late and quiz already started. TRAGEDY AGAIN. only 1 question from the quiz came form the stupid article. eveyrthing else was from last weeks class which i didnt even bother to read because it was the first time my lecturer sent out a msg telling us that the article reading will be in our quiz. WTF. in panic frenzied mode i could not think and literally almost eveyrthing wrong when in truth they were all very simple answers and i knew them like the back of my hand but the disorientation and rush i was in made my answers go whacked as well.

AND THEN i wanted to whip my phone out to twitter about my tragedy and i realised i left my freaking phone at home?!?!? HOMAIGAD!! tragedy max because immediately after class i was suppose to meet some friends and we hadnt decided on a spot and i didnt have their nos! so i borrowed my friends laptop to attempt to go into fb in hopes they would be online and when the laptop came into my lap the internet decides to fuck up and i cannot sign into my FB T___T

not long after i go down and hand up my assignment that i had not stapled because i wasnt sure if they needed this one extra piece (i brought a staple n staples thinking im damn smart) hand up that time i realise OH FML. NO WONDER IT FELT WEIRD THAT I HAD to write my group mates name n IDS at random places. I FORGOT THE FREAKING COVER PAGE?!?! I MEAN SERIOUSLY??! WHO FORGETS COVER PAGES?!?! sigh. lecturer doesnt realise and i hope she doesnt minus any marks for that U__U or im gonna feel so guilty. but thats not really our final assignment anyway. she makes us hand in weekly basis so our tutor can check on our stuff before the final compilation. I THINK. so she cant really minus marks for me forgetting a cover page right T_T the names and IDs are on all other pages. zzz

so in my stressed mode i skipped half my class drove all the way back because my appt was in abt 45 mins. found my phone told them what happen and collected myself for a while before going out again.

new tragedy arises.

i go out and realise the main gate is open….. it didnt shut when i pressed the remote earlier and because i was in such a rush i didnt turn around to double check and the dog went out when he normally stays in even if the door is open T_T and so i am alte to meet my friends and i spent a good 15-20 mins running around the neighbourhood trying to catch the dog because for some reason he wanted to be defiant and ran off everytime i came near contrary to how he would normally be obedient. he just had to pick a day when i was late to run out and refuse to come back in T_T BEST PART. i was wearing a double layered maxi dress and the sun was super hot.

i swear all the running around, my exercise quota was made.

went to bangsar shopping center and i normally use touch n go but my touch n go didnt have enough credit. ZZZZ

after that nth much happened lar.

but busy non stop until now. its already 12 am and i only had a bit of time for myself just now and i still havent started on my next assignment which i had earlier anticipated that i would have finished by now U_U

actually got a lot more to rant wan but im having headache adi and my arm is aching cuz i have to type with my arms up thanks to my charm bracelets wtf

K THX BYE

i dont know why la. my audio and video not in sync again but aihya. dont care la. not so free.

eh must listen okay since you guys dont read. i purposely talk cuz u all always skip my wordy announcements. pfft