It’s a horrid feeling to tell people everything has been improving and going great only for it to fall back to where it was. It’s as if expressing your hope and your joy of the moment curses the moment itself and a poke back of reality has to reoccur.

The past few times I cried this year were because i lost two very important dogs in my life and occasionally sudden memories of them would come and go, causing a sting in my eyes.

Today i cried for many different reasons.

I cried because of you, because of the aches of my body, and the frustration at myself.

But all mostly because of myself.

My brain is not performing at it’s usual capacity and it’s frustrating on all levels. It doesnt help that I’ve been suffering from lethargy and headaches consistently over the past few days and today a dull tingling ache has occurred behind my back. This ache comes and goes a lot but today it’s been on going for hours now and it feels like it’s affecting the entire right side of my body.

I hate how you’re not here after 2-3 days of me expressing my frustrations at the world.

But i hate myself more for being so dependent on you to be happy.

Am i really incapable of handling myself? Must i really be so incredibly affected by you about everything i do?

And I can’t help but relate everything back to his reappearance in your life.

Sometimes I wish I knew how to be free of you.

Because it really does still kill me inside.

I wonder what role do I even really play in your life.

Sometimes, we look at the digital numbers on our watches; that little corner that tells us the date instead of the time and then we start subconsciously calculating time in terms of days, months and then years. Then we let out a gaping wail that tries to unsuccessfully mask itself as a gasp and do the mental calculations all over again; only, this time we use our fingers and when we realize the numbers tally, we let out another gasp, this time quieter and almost under our breath.

Yup.

It’s been that long and time’s passing by in a blink of an eye.

A month, 6 months, a year and suddenly its 2 years.

It’s the same with me.

It’s 2 years and just a little over 5 months now and I’m sitting here with my pot of tea, my laptop and sentimental songs that are not really love songs. It’s raining outside. In fact, it’s been raining for about 5 hours now and a last minute decision has placed me in this same spot just aimlessly wondering in and out of thought.

People say a crush that lasts over a few months becomes love – an infatuation that goes beyond it’s term.

Waking up next to the same person for over 24 months now, one would expect to feel mildly bored of the same old face and the same old scent but one does not know the feeling of waking up next to an empty side and feeling incomplete, like a piece of a missing jigsaw that waits to be found. Every morning I wake up to the familiar kiss on my forehead and instinctively i cling my arms arounds the neck of this very same person, reluctant to let go and having to start my day without that special someone by my side.

It’s been more than 2 years of waking up next to him.

And every day my arms cling on as hard as they used to 2 years ago, and on some days, it latches on so hard it has to be pried off or risk being late to work.

I love you baby.

I don’t know why.

But all I know is after all this while, I think I’ve fallen more in love with you now.

I don’t know how I will feel another 10 years down the road. But quite frankly it really doesn’t really matter because all that matters now is the fact I love you now; NOW, in this present day and time.

Approximately 3 months ago, one of my babies passed away; as most of you would have already noticed from one of my more recent posts. I say recent post because I know I haven’t exactly been the world’s best blogger  and so despite this happening months ago, it’s still quite recent. WTF. Do also note that despite this paragraph sounding vaguely cheerful and flighty, it really isnt the case.

My blog is turning more and more depressive by the year but I’m trying. Happy looking pictures kinda counteracts that doesn’t it? Well fine, I guess if you don’t actually bother reading then yes but if not just pretend it does okay? *waves hand dismissively*

Anyhowwww…..

In case you forgot what my precious little teddy bear looks like =(

Well, exactly 3 months later. It really is exactly because Chippy passed away on the 25th of Feb 2012, and what I’m about to tell you also happened on the 25th; only it was April 2012 instead of February. Wow. That was a pretty disjointed and “Duh” sentence. WTF. But humour me okay? I’m really trying my best to lighten the mood as I’ve been crying for 2 days now and I think they wouldn’t like me being upset over them. Or so I think.

So yes, back to the story.

My baby Miko who’s about 16 or possibly 17 this year passed away 2 days ago =( She had a spinal nerve problem and we wanted to operate but unexpectedly her heart stopped halfway through the operation despite it being strong and healthy.

I secretly suspect that she really misses Chippy and feels that maybe living past 100 human years is a tad boring and so decided to stop her heart or something ludicrous like that.

But i still really miss them both =(

Don’t feel like writing a dedication post to her because it’s just going to make me start sobbing my eyes out again but I think maybe it really is time. She is an old dog after all.

Miss you baby Miks! And love you long time too!

You watched me grow up and you were always by my side =) Thank you for being a wonderful dog to the Yap family!

Just some random pictures of my two babies when they were still around. Btw, the girl in the last picture isn’t me. Just i case you though it was. WTF.

To the both of you!

You will both always be in my heart.

Thank you for taking care of me throughout your lives, to the extent of even protecting my room when I’m not around.

I know you’re both back together somewhere and I hope you guys are happy on that side of Rainbow Bridge.

Come visit me in my dreams some time all right?

Love you and missing you guys like crazy.

XOXOXO.

When we allow a little bit of defeat to turn into demotivation, it spirals out of control and becomes a black hole of torment and distractions that takes you further and further away from your original intentions. It absorbs everything that is of a negative context and magnifies it by ten folds, building a massive wall that reflects any form of good or happy thoughts.

With this, comes the attraction of even more depressing things because we are of course our own biggest enemy and self efficacy works a little more efficiently than it should at this point.

Right now I am in this god forsaken place and i want so badly to break down and cry at how everything came hurtling like an avalanche on such an important time this month but i force a weak smile instead. A sad tired smile that tells nothing but the truth of my dead hollow eyes.

Less than 24 hours.

And I will take that opportunity to hug my knees to my chest and cry the tears I’ve tried so hard to hold back over the past day and a half.

Second break point of 2012.

…

And i wish the cause of the first was here with me now.

Because over a month later, I still miss her.

It’s also been a while.

So here’s a reminder of what I look like currently.

Blonde.

And grey contacts with light make up on the rare days (1 out of 60-90) i feel like playing doll.

Unfortunately my eyebrows were tinted with an eyebrow mascara. I never got around to bleaching and dying it back brown either.

Soon soon.

As soon as i resolve my really bad hair fall issue. U_U LE SIGH.

HAHAHHA.

toodles!

Promised someone I would update and i did! 2x!!

Though way shorter than i anticipated but I’ve got a ton of stuff to chew on my plate right now and so this is all i can sorta manage.