It’s a horrid feeling to tell people everything has been improving and going great only for it to fall back to where it was. It’s as if expressing your hope and your joy of the moment curses the moment itself and a poke back of reality has to reoccur.
The past few times I cried this year were because i lost two very important dogs in my life and occasionally sudden memories of them would come and go, causing a sting in my eyes.
Today i cried for many different reasons.
I cried because of you, because of the aches of my body, and the frustration at myself.
But all mostly because of myself.
My brain is not performing at it’s usual capacity and it’s frustrating on all levels. It doesnt help that I’ve been suffering from lethargy and headaches consistently over the past few days and today a dull tingling ache has occurred behind my back. This ache comes and goes a lot but today it’s been on going for hours now and it feels like it’s affecting the entire right side of my body.
I hate how you’re not here after 2-3 days of me expressing my frustrations at the world.
But i hate myself more for being so dependent on you to be happy.
Am i really incapable of handling myself? Must i really be so incredibly affected by you about everything i do?
And I can’t help but relate everything back to his reappearance in your life.
Sometimes I wish I knew how to be free of you.
Because it really does still kill me inside.
I wonder what role do I even really play in your life.