I have not felt like this in a long time. a disastrous mix of anger, resentment and hate taken with a pinch of annoyance and a whole shit load of frustration, i really do feel like pulling the trigger of a gun aimed at someones head. nobody’s in particular if you’re wondering. just a need of senseless acts of violence and careless disregard.

i can only take so much.

but you really dont see it do you?

all you see is a spoilt impatient princess that doesnt give a rats ass about another person and demands that the world bow down at her feet without the slightest bit of guilt or compassion. this bossy little thing that acts like shes better than everyone else trapped in her own cocoon of vanity of self love unwilling to share her treasures or her life with anybody who cares or appreciate a single one of her blessings. an irrate and irresponsible kid that is too stupid and arrogant to notice things around or even know how to be concern over someone elses sufferings.

one day i will lose this silver of sanity left in me. and i pray with all my might that nobody will have to suffer because of it.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

im really sorry for such an angsty post on this date u_u but i really cant help it.

so happy malaysia day everyone.

how do we live in fear of everything, how an awkward moment in the past could fuck up our lives in the present? making us suspicious of everything, unable to learn and trust something else again.

today i was offended in this way. offended much more than one would have expected. but it really was no big surprise, it had been something that was bugging me from day one since it started. at one point in time, somewhere near the beginning i started to believe that hey, maybe its been fixed. perhaps whatever it was that was holding that wall in place has been resolved and done with. only today i realise, wake up you smartass; there aint no such thing, that was a one time thing.

at the time of the occurrence, i felt my entire self esteem fall and crumble to the ground. the one thing i held my pride in, no matter what happened and it was taken away in a single white lie. one swift second, at then it was gone. along with my confidence, i felt myself worthless; worthless to the point of a much deeper emotion that sew a seed of hatred against myself for even trying at all. it was something i did not take lightly, not ever had i taken it as a joke or a reason worth lying but it was something i always held back on; something i could do on my will when i found deserving enough. today, it worked the opposite way. instead of a smile of contentment and utter satisfaction, i was left stranded confused and felt horridly unneeded.

my pride was shattered.

and i am disgusted to know that i could even be compared to something in the past that had no relative ties to me.

so very disgusted.

i am in extreme angst mood right now.

you know those days when you know it really is PMS and to make matters worst the whole day is just a fuck up of everything.

if the first day of april is a bad day does that mean it’s an indication of the month to come? oh dear. if it is im fairly sure i may not be able to survive this ordeal.

ANGER. FRUSTRATION. ANNOYANCE.

RARW!!!

there has been a sudden spree of animal abuse news and videos being sent around as well as videos of how compassionate some animals really are. and we talk about how a human being’s family and friends would feel when someone close to them is murdered, abused or something as futile as being robbed. so what about animals? just because we see a stray on the streets does it mean he’s alone with nobody to care for?

what if she was a mother with her litter to feed and fend for? what if it was a companion of another rather lonely stray? it’s okay if they get hit and abused and ignored isn’t it? because face it, who’s there to care after that? there is a little society in every form of being, be it a human a dog or even something as small as as an ant. a cycle that goes on continuously, a structural heirachy and a special little community. yet just because we don’t see that in what we claim are lower beings we kill mercilessly without a hint of conscience.  

a death is a death no matter where. and a murder is still commited even if it isnt towards another human being. if we are capable of doing such horrid things to the less fortunate creatures, what is stopping us really from killing another? are we not all the same, flesh blood and bones.  it really does break my heart hearing and seeing these sins continuously committed all over the world, day in day out as if it was nothing but a small little issue; totally and completely unimportant to our so called intellectual and evolved society. U_U

i dont expect anything from writing this but i just felt like i really needed to get it off my chest. i never really got why it was okay to kill an animal but not okay to kill a human being. call me sick but really, tell me what the real difference is besides the fact that we look different?

i wrote a very lengthy post just now. one that meant a lot to me at this point of time. i poured a lot of myself into it. i wrote it on notepad first because i was installing something else.

i copied it, pasted it here. added the picture tagged my post and clicked publish.

every word, every punctuation disappeared. leaving only the picture. i wrote that post in emotional tears. tears of heartfelt confessions and surrender and now i write this one instead is tired frustration and angry tears.

i dont know what to say. how to react.

upset. very very upset.

this was the only thing left from my entire post. and gawd knows how much i fucking need you here with me right now….