It’s the worst feeling in the world to lose a beloved.

Especially one that you know wasn’t really to go.

She held on for days, I knew she did it just to see me and it broke my heart so bad to hear her cries and whimpers the day i left her at the vet.

My poor baby had an auto immune disease and her own body was killing her from inside and there was no cure. She had a chance of survival, though slim there was still a chance.

I came to see her the day before i left for Japan. She tried to eat and stay alive, perhaps hoping that I would finally bring her back. She yelped and whined even louder as i walked away from her cage and out the glass doors. I could still hear her from outside.

Did i break her heart this time?

Was that why she never came back?

I never thought that would be the last time i saw her, I didnt even say goodbye. No hugs and kisses just a scratch below her neck because she wasnt allowed to be brought out of the cage.

Nobody told me the day she passed away.

I just found out yesterday because nobody wanted to ruin my trip.

She died the night i flew to Japan.

Was it because she no longer felt my presence?

Did she think i had abandoned her for real this time?

I can’t help but feel like it was my fault.

I left when she needed me most and now a big part of me wished i never went.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

My baby Chippy,

I’m so sorry baby. I know for the longest time I was never around. I smelled like another dog and saw you for short hours every now and then when i came back home.

Still, you were always there by my side as i slept and followed me everywhere even awakening if i so much as stirred in my sleep. You kept me company and protected me from anything and anyone you remotely thought was a threat.

I can’t recall how old you are anymore or when we first got you.

But i remember the look in your eyes and that giant pink bow i tied around your neck. You were tiny fragile and shy. Who would have thought you would grow up to be my little soldier that believed could protect me from anything in the world despite your little size.

I hope you’re in a better place now where you’re no longer in pain.

I’m sorry for the hurt and loneliness I’ve caused.

But thank you for being my loyal guardian dog.

I love you baby.

And i really really miss you.

Rest In Peace dearest one and have fun up there in heaven.

Because I know for sure that’s where you are.

I love you.

I know I’ve been gone for a while but I will be back with lots and lots of updates especially picture flooding next week

I PROMISE!

Anyway.

Meet Maneki.

His name was originally August because we found him tiny alone and hungry outside early this August covered in red ants. His name is now Maneki because 2-3 weeks after living with us, he snuck out and tried to play with our Bull Terrier Mix.

It was not a pleasant sight.

His guts were spilling out and he couldn’t move at all.

The 24 hour vet we brought him to told us his leg would most likely be dead and he has an almost zero chance of survival due to how young he was. The boyfriend was shattered and insisted we put him to sleep because it was unfair to August if he had to be amputated and that he was in pain. I refused.

I brought him to my own vet the very next day and he saw me quivering and said fine, he’ll do what he can but no guarantees because most cats that young do not wake up after the anesthetics.

2 months living in a cage at the vet and many many anesthetics and stitching later… .

He’s back in our home climbing trees, mirrors and plotting with the monster dog Toby on how to steal food. Yes. Plot to steal food.

He climbs on tables and counter tops and pushes them down so Toby can open it. Then they share and hide evidence “=_=

I kid you not.

He can even use his back leg which was originally completely dislocated.

Its been pushed back into place but due to some extreme broken bones and torn muscles, his bone still juts out in an awkward manner but that doesn’t stop him from anything. Fearless cat that eats anything. Even tobasco, fruits and cereal.

So his name is now Maneki.

As in Maneki Neko.

The Japanese lucky cat you often see on tables

at least got update la okay. wtf

Normally im damn lazy never edit anything or caption anything just take and upload. so here i semangat a bit. wtf. although its really just some pointless captions. hahaha. but at least got a bit more effort right! to show you guys im sorry for not updating AGAIN. =X

There will always be eyes watching you wherever you go. Some of them friendly, some just nonchalant and the minor few that brings an air of discomfort.

*~*~*~*~*~*

I have noticed a strange habit of mine.

My inability to neither be alone nor to have someone by my side.

Even the friendliest of looks sends me reeling in self conscious annoyance, yet this habit only happens in the vicinity of my own place of home (home not house – KL).

Loneliness creeps in as if it were a draft of air passing through the gaps of a window and i fall constantly into a hole that i can’t climb out of. I pace about restlessly and my mind becomes a chaotic mess of scenarios and words and imaginary whispers of passerbys that notice my faked indifference. I fear being alone. I despise this loneliness yet unknowingly, i seek it quite often.

I am a vial of confused opposites. Extremities at it’s worst, unable to find my bearings or maintain my equilibrium for more than a mere fraction of the time.

Yet, when taken out of my own home, the contrary starts to happen.

I am alone. I enjoy being alone. I feel no strangeness in walking alone down the streets or sitting alone in a cafe right by that street.

I am at peace with this lonesome visitor, this enemy i normally shy away from in disgust whenever he starts to knock on my door.

I am merely a stranger in a foreign land.

And i want to remain that stranger, unnoticed and minute to the constant movement surrounding me.

I want to be neither here nor there.

Time no longer matters, and i shuffle along the sidewalks as if i were only shadow cast upon the floor and my presence no longer really exists.