Today I woke up a mess.

A lonely, needy, depressive ball of a mess that felt too deprived of energy and lacking in the emotional capacity to meet with people other than those I’ve grown accustomed to, to the point where sitting in silence with them is not deemed as wrong or antisocial but just a quiet kind of comfortable.

I declared today “stay home and sulk day” despite my very busy week coming to an end and an entire list of things I still need to do and accomplish.

Alas, due to filial responsibilities I was forced to get out of the house by my lonesome self because everyone I called seemed either busy or just plain unavailable.

I dragged myself to 1 Utama and got stuck in the car park which was full and people going in all the wrong directions. This of course causing a jam since the road was not even remotely wide enough for two cars. A lot of yelling ensued from an angry man in a big car and the road eventually cleared.

Finally got my parking thanks to a lovely couple who pointed me in the direction of their car while patiently waiting for me before they left and thought okay, things are about to get brighter.

Went to do what I was suppose to do only to discover it was a pointless attempt and I had gotten myself into another pointless situation but refused to go home as my car was already parked. Mood dwindled down again especially with the crowd of people in the mall and the very annoying tunes of Chinese New Year melodies. Yes. I ABHOR Chinese New Year music.

Took a deep breath and made my way to the bookstore and picked up the first book that appealed to me;  The Reader, a translated German book.

Walked back down to this little cafe that caught my eye many times, ordered a cake and some tea and made myself comfortable.

It was love at first sight.

.

.

.

It’s been almost a year since I last picked up a book and read it. I’ve bought many but none of them have even left their plastic wrappers and sit lying in random places scattered all over Mutiara as well as Cheras.

Today, i picked up a book that absorbed me into it’s world the moment i started reading. The cozy setting of the very appropriately named cafe Whisk, their amazing Granny Cake – an apple cake with Butterscotch cream frosting and a steaming cup of English Breakfast Tea. The aromatic smells of freshly brewed coffee and the soothing sounds of jazz being played on their speakers and i got whisked away as well into my own little cocoon of solitude.

It feels good to finally fall back into the steady habit of getting lost in the world of books and sitting alone in cozy cafe corners.

For that almost 2 hours, I lost my initial sense of gripping neediness and jittery emotions and felt a forgotten calm and serenity.

Whisked.

Such is the name of a bakery that took me away from reality and left me happy and contented for quite a while.

All they need now is some sofa’s and I may be found there everyday.

Maybe.

This topic has been making it’s way into my life much too many times this week.

From an incidence of a close friend of mine to a continuous stream of movies and DVDs.

Is it really a happy thing for two people who really like each other to not end up together? Even when the feelings never really disappeared despite being years since their last meeting.

Many have said the movies I have seen were not sad at all and I was crazy to have cried as much as I did because in the end, there were always still the memories they both held on to and they skipped the pain of a love that dies after finally being together.

But there goes that constant questions of What Ifs?

And how do both parties really move on with their lives while still never really being able to let go of the other?

Isn’t it unfair to their future partners as well.

Why is that a happy ending?

Maybe I’m naive. Maybe I believe too much in fairytales and love stories but it always, ALWAYS hurts me to see two people who clearly have chemistry not end up being together even for just a little while yet still have their minds and hearts keep rotating back to each other as the years go on by.

I hate seeing things like that happen.

…

So do it.

Do it when they’re right next to you. Tell them how important they really are in your lives because that special moment is fleeting and every second of hesitation spells another opportunity for loss.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

(I’m sorry this post is so messy and hard to understand. It’s been a while since I last wrote and the cascade of supposedly not so sad but incredibly sad to me movies have really hit a nerve with me and my head needs a little clearing..

This post has also nothing to do with me directly or anybody else I know in particular just a wondering thought as I find being in such a situation to be such a heart wrenching one while many are able to think of how it is actually better that way.

Bah!! Even I cant understand what I’m writing….

SORREH!)

Sitting by the staircase listening to all the loud noise. It’s not irritating, it’s not discomforting but it’s just there.

Days of being happy went on and tonight marks it’s time for reversal.

I’m not sad. I’m not upset.

I’m just living in it’s balance of ups and downs.

Actually, it’s strange and funny.

But I think I may actually be content. Is this good? Or is this even bad?

Merry Early Christmas loves!

♥

I think I’ve finally progressed =)

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The song Some Other Time by Barbra Streisand plays in the background and the words “where has the time gone” keeps replaying itself in my head.

I open my blog every now and then before staring at the last post and the date. This makes me glance at my watch and the same very thoughts start make their appearances; – “where has the time gone?”

Day becomes night and night becomes day repetitively without fail and at some point i lose track of time, days and dates.

It’s not that i am up and about being busy with every minute that i have. Yet so many restrictions and responsibilities weigh themselves in my face and my brain automatically takes this as a queue to go into a shut off mode and not do anything i want to do.

All those times of saying i want to play my playstation, i want to finish reading a book, i want to paint a picture and the many more that i have made in worded promises or even written down in this very blog or anywhere else never seem to happen. Then i look at the date and it’s almost the end of the year.

Time is a funny thing.

I seem to work in funnier ways.

This weekend,

I think i’m going to bake a cake. Or perhaps i shall make some cookies instead.

Who cares if i have a paper on Monday.

My heart just isn’t there.

I want to do something I love instead.

-7.40p.m-

Hotel rooms.

I crave them much too often than I should.

And more often than not, I wished I could just check myself in and hide there for a while.

Alone.

But then I wonder, why pay so much money to sink into an unfamiliar bed just to cry myself to sleep?

Fact is, I don’t know.

All I know is, that’s what I wish I could do if I could really afford it.

Hotel rooms.

If they could talk, they would tell you so many different stories. That chair in that corner would have so much to say and those pillows would have a million emotions to share.

What was the previous guest like?

Was he alone? Was he lonely?

Or was he with someone? Someone special or just someone?

What were the thoughts running in every guests head?

Was the previous guest just like me?

Or was he was genuinely happy.

What secrets would the cracking walls whisper and what moving images would the mirrors reflect?

So much goes on.

All that history in the dimly lit rooms I crave.

Even mine becomes a part of that room whos number I will not remember.

Hotel rooms.

I need you more than ever.