I crave many things.

Many things i cannot afford.

I want to stay a week in a yoga retreat. Somewhere in the middle of a cool forest that doesnt have its grounds covered in leeches. Listen to the sounds of the wild as i lie down in the dark drawing in the smell of fresh mossy grounds.

I want to camp next to a lake somewhere in a less tropical country and stare at the stars overhead while shoveling instant baked beans and eggs i cooked over a portable little stove. And then i want to wake up in the morning and dive in naked into it’s crystal blue waters and not be surrounded by anyone else but me myself and I. Perhaps a book or an animal will be my companion.

Im so much more of a wanderer that people take me to be. I avoid cities and instinctively search out the smell of fresh dew on grass and the gradient of different leaves. But earth has been hurt so much for these things now. Everywhere is either dirty or crowded or just out of reach.

I want to dip my little toes in a clean moving stream in the countryside somewhere. Dressed in a yellow sundress with white polka dots or a breezy white linen dress. Sit on a red and white picnic mat and share grapes, champagne and bread. Ride on a horse, and laugh with the wind.

I miss the beach and it’s clean clean water so much it kills me. The last time i swam in the sea, it was the end of winter in Perth on a little island called Rottnest. The waters were freezing but I’d never been happier. That was back in 2010. Doesnt seem like too long ago but 2 years away from being submerged in an unpolluted sea has my heart wrenching in yearn.

I think i dream too much and i want too many things.

 Rottnest Island, Perth September 2010

It’s been a whirldwind month of Feb for me and im sorry for leaving this space for so long again. Though i really doubt if anyone even comes in here anymore. Not that it would matter much anyway considering my blog is more of a personal thing rather than one i slave over for your entertainment.

Im not very entertaining anyway but that’s besides the point.

A lot of things have been going on in my mind but for some reason I cant bring myself to really express them openly anymore. Maybe I’m finally growing up or maybe my conflict avoidance personality has just gone up a notch. Or maybe I was just never the type to really be able to express things related to friendships or the likes.

But i’ve been feeling strangely more alone than usual lately.

And i really miss being in Japan where I had nobody else.

Anyway.

Who wants to read my depressing post on the first day of March anyway. My mid terms are over and I’m free for a few days before i have to start slaving for my assignments and more exams again.

So cheer up little one.

It’s time you learnt to move on instead of dwelling on things further.

Change is inevitable.

(ps. no, this has nothing to do with my bf. everyone always assumes my posts all only relate to the boy “=_= LOL)

It’s the worst feeling in the world to lose a beloved.

Especially one that you know wasn’t really to go.

She held on for days, I knew she did it just to see me and it broke my heart so bad to hear her cries and whimpers the day i left her at the vet.

My poor baby had an auto immune disease and her own body was killing her from inside and there was no cure. She had a chance of survival, though slim there was still a chance.

I came to see her the day before i left for Japan. She tried to eat and stay alive, perhaps hoping that I would finally bring her back. She yelped and whined even louder as i walked away from her cage and out the glass doors. I could still hear her from outside.

Did i break her heart this time?

Was that why she never came back?

I never thought that would be the last time i saw her, I didnt even say goodbye. No hugs and kisses just a scratch below her neck because she wasnt allowed to be brought out of the cage.

Nobody told me the day she passed away.

I just found out yesterday because nobody wanted to ruin my trip.

She died the night i flew to Japan.

Was it because she no longer felt my presence?

Did she think i had abandoned her for real this time?

I can’t help but feel like it was my fault.

I left when she needed me most and now a big part of me wished i never went.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

My baby Chippy,

I’m so sorry baby. I know for the longest time I was never around. I smelled like another dog and saw you for short hours every now and then when i came back home.

Still, you were always there by my side as i slept and followed me everywhere even awakening if i so much as stirred in my sleep. You kept me company and protected me from anything and anyone you remotely thought was a threat.

I can’t recall how old you are anymore or when we first got you.

But i remember the look in your eyes and that giant pink bow i tied around your neck. You were tiny fragile and shy. Who would have thought you would grow up to be my little soldier that believed could protect me from anything in the world despite your little size.

I hope you’re in a better place now where you’re no longer in pain.

I’m sorry for the hurt and loneliness I’ve caused.

But thank you for being my loyal guardian dog.

I love you baby.

And i really really miss you.

Rest In Peace dearest one and have fun up there in heaven.

Because I know for sure that’s where you are.

I love you.

is something that isn’t new. Something everyone else sees and knowns about despite my constant attempts at pushing it away or making excuses. Funny though. I really did believe we finally moved forward.

Guess I was wrong. This isn’t the first time I’ve been wrong about you either.

Ah.

Life.

It always happens when we happily go around telling everyone how things are finally improving. Reality picks that as a cue to rear its ugly head and slap you back into situations that reveal the painful truth.

The truth still hurts.

Even after 2 years it hurts.

The same old things.

Same old situations.

And same old attitudes.

Still, I sit here waiting and waiting.

Hoping and hoping.

For something nobody else believes possible.

Why?

Fly By.

I’m pretty shocked at how it’s almost mid month and that we’re even in a new year.

Days have never gone by as quickly for me as this year has been so far. In fact, I’m pretty sure I’m losing track of time if it wasn’t for the fact that I never take my watch off and it so happens to actually tells the date just above the time.

So how are you guys doing?

Me?

Im great, the same if not any fatter that the last any of you have heard.

And yes, those are my real eye colour and yes I swear I’m not wearing colour contacts. And yes, I’m also very aware that my roots are growing and yes, I do indeed somewhat resemble a certain type of “seafood.” Just felt the need to clarify these few things before we move on reading so don’t go on stating the obvious or making nonsensical jokes about whatever it is you find amusing about this chubby cheeked picture of mine =p

So back to the relative theory of time and perception.

Is it true then, when they say you have less hours in a day as you get older because that sure as hell seems to be the case with me these days.

In fact, things have been moving so quickly past lately that it sometimes feels like I’m skipping days in between.

See.

As I type this, it’s a new day all over again.

How did this bizarre thing just happen again?

Wasn’t the weekend just yesterday?

Why is it suddenly Friday once more?

Ah time.

It’s only the first month of the new year but I’m still in denial that we’ve even hit a new year.

In a blink of an eye, this month will be gone as well.

Gone just as swiftly as it came.

And I will be wondering the same repeating thoughts all over again.