I dont know why but this video is causing a lot of racist arguments instead of the point. seriously ppl??

hey,

i get it. maybe the dog was harmful maybe it wasn’t and i know it’s for the safety of the neighbourhood but what i don’t get is how they couldn’t have dealt with it in a better way =/

perhaps a little more educations on handling the matter like tranquilizing the poor fella and handing it to more experienced ppl to put it down or to send it to a shelter to see the dog’s temperament to try and give it another chance instead.

WHY is the video instead causing ppl to argue against one another about being of a different race or a hypocrite or things like that.

sigh.

and i cant help but wonder. if that dog was a damn poodle, would this video be getting more united awareness instead..

miehh

*~*~*~*~*~*

At some point, I’ve pretty much given up on the whole animal cruelty stint.

A big part of me has died so many times that i no longer have much reaction anymore in compared to how i used to react despite that pounding agitation and the usual sting of tears.

But… this being done legally in Malaysia despite all the hoohaa that was created over the whole poodle and cat issue and all the press media, i can’t help but want to blog about this and ask why isn’t anything being done about situations like this?

Hey i get it that some stray dogs really need to be dealt with but isn’t doing it this way a little too much?

What really broke my heart was what the person who took this video said in his description,

“my 3 years old daughter asked me, what are they doing? what am i to answer her??”

Yeah, what do you answer her?

Actually,

What do you answer anyone who even understands the meaning of humanity?

I don’t know what’s wrong but i know this feeling all too well.

That darkened room with all it’s shadows and me left shivering against an unseen corner.

I want to scream, not an angry scream but an aggravated scream — and then i want to curl myself into a ball, collapsed on the floor and cry till i can no longer breathe.

I’m suffocating.

I know I am.

But the real question is this.

Why?

Is it a collection of multiple reasons or is there something in particular that’s pressing at the back of my mind?

Why am i slipping?

Why have i begun to lose my new found self?

I am regressing.

And i can’t seem to stop myself.

not too long back the bf decided to bring some random fish home because he refuses to let me keep my guppies as they all had a sudden death when i went to aussieland last year. the fishie he brought home wasnt eating much despite it being an omnivorous fish.

so a few days back i saw the most DISGUSTING and long worm wriggling about outside. YES I HATE WORMS AND THINGS THAT WRIGGLE LIKE MAGGOTS!! give me spiders and lizards any day (i actually like them). Also, after absorbing this information about me, please throw it back out and forget it so you do not use it against me one day. ANYWAY, back to the story so i started going eww and made gagging sounds until the boyfriend came and said EH GO CATCH IT AND FEED TO THE FISH!

this of course sparked a series of OMG and NO WAY from me because seriously i am not going to pick that disgusting wriggly thing up so he went and got it and fed it to the fish. WAHLAH! fish very aggressively ate the friggin worm which was over 10cm long!! at first i was just happy because the poor skinny thing finally decided to swallow something and then it hit me. OMG THE POOR INNOCENT WORM!! all it was doing was wriggling its way back into the dirt from the tiles and in a flurry of unknown movements, it’s being drowned in water and suddenly ends up being bitten and swallowed by a fish with teeth! …. i was genuinely appalled at the whole idea of how i may have just contributed to the death of the very disgusting worm in such a torturous manner!! .___. drowning and being beheaded via bites is pretty hell fucked up aye.

and then yesterday another depressing though dawned upon me.

if most of you dont already know, the current place im living in is literally infested with mosquitoes so in order to help elevate this problem we have mosquito traps. the kind where the light and co2 attracts the mozzies and then it gets sucked into the trap and can’t escape. i’ve had it for a while now and ive never had any qualms about squishing and killing mosquitoes because they really piss the hell out of me (i am a walking mosquito attraction). so anyway the first trap we had was just like that and one sucked it they cant escape. my mum got me another one where you can put sticky paper at the bottom so the trap doesnt need to be continuously on (if u switch it off the fan stops so the mozzies can fly back out) since the mozzies get stuck on the paper.

i opened the trap to count how many mosquitoes there were and a few of them were still alive trying their best to escape T___T and i got hit by another level of guilt trippin. I AM TORTURING THE MOSQUITOES!!! you see, if i had a zapper or if i squished them, it would be an instant death. no suffering no nothing but these so called eco friendly traps work by trapping the mosquitoes and then they eventually die from dehydration!! BUT OMG CAN U IMAGINE HOW TRAGIC IT IS?!?! i am actually causing the mosquitoes to slowly dehydrate and die from it in a slow and depressing manner T_____T

now im in such a dilemma i don’t know what to do because the stupid voice in my head won’t stop mocking me T___T

i am evil.

i feel evil.

somebody help me. PFFT

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA damn you conscience!!

all i feel is heat. im grappling about trying to find my bearings.

the scene changes. the focus isnt me. im just a bystander watching.

theres someone lying there. i cant see whom it is.

a sudden burst of light. the dark figure is surrounded by flames. all i see is fire spreading. i still cant see his face. hes writhing in pain. im watching as his mouth opens to scream. there isnt a sound. the silence becomes anger. i feel it in the air. this figure, he becomes more upset as the flames continue to lick his perspiring body and face.

the air becomes more intense with a rage i cannot understand. as the flames grow angrier, it plays shadows across his face.

the first thing i notice is the creases on his forehead.

the flames continue to reveal each feature; slowly, menacingly.

every detail is familiar, yet i still cant place the name.

theres another figure. its a shadow. its not human.

it starts as a ball but then it starts to grow.

the first figure turns his head sharply.

hes staring right at me, his eyes pleading me to do something. hes looking right at me, but only his eyes appear real to me.

i stand there, unable to move. that pleading look changes. its annoyance and resentment.

he opens his mouth to say something.

instead a sudden look of pain and anguish flashes across his eyes and a scream is finally heard.

it jolts me, i start crying,

the scream, it emanates a dozen different kinds of suffering all at once. it doesnt stop. it becomes shrill and sharp and i feel my heart begin to pound.

i finally noticed the cause.

the other shadow. this shadow has taken the shape of a dog. there are no details, yet it could only be a dog. there is no real indications of this, yet you will know that there is nothing else that it can possibly be.

it has latched itself on his leg. biting into it with full force, the flames are beginning to douse off as blood seeps and flows in a dark velvet pool around the both of them.

the man, he turns to me again. once again pleading for help.

my heart feels heavy and i try to go closer but something is holding me firmly by my hands and feet. im bound. i struggle to get free and then a voice sympathetic and strange starts talking to me.

“theres nothing you can do my dear. he did this himself. he has to see what he has done to himself. feel the destruction of his uncontrollable emotions. be still.”

the flames begin to reappear.

and as it starts its dance, the scream becomes sharper and finally mute.

silence.

and then the crushing sound of bones breaking.

i shut my eyes and turn away. except i can still see it happening.

the dog, it bites harder and harder as the mans creases gets deeper and the flames become stronger.

his blood, is glistering in the light play of the flames. i feel something touch me.

i open my eyes and i look down.

the dark sticky liquid is rising. it has finally reached me. i feel myself sink unable to move away from the foul smelling scent of burning rotting flesh and the overpowering smell of blood stings even as i choke on my confusion of tears.

another scream is heard again,

different this time.

revengeful almost.

and in that split moment, the shadows on his face finally disappear.

i know him.

i know him so well.

and then my eyes fly open and im staring at the ceiling.

my heart continues to pound and my mouth is open as if im the one whos about to scream.

my dream.

it was so vivid.

i notice that im panting.

anyway. just to tell u im still alive. somewhat.

let me live through my last 2 papers and recuperate over the weekend and i’ll be back with more regular updates instead of filler picture spams and big gaps of nothingness. =S

So this was me. That was thursday evening. Attached to a drip with a temperature of 39.4 degrees. Pretty ass high I reckon.

5 days later. Today, since the crazy fever started I’m still not entirely well. After the fever episodes, the nausea and the vomitting came in.

So yeap, I’ve been puking for 3 days now. Funny thing is, I aint getting any thinner for some weird reason. In fact, I think I’m gaining weight. How fucked up is that? Nope. I’m not pregnant either. Yeap, I took a pregnancy test in the hospital today cuz everyone seemed to have the idea that I was. Well no surprise there with all the bloating and nausea.

Fear not. I do not have dengue or h1n1 either. So what’s wrong with me? That’s a pretty damn good question because nobody seems to know either. Le sigh.

Forgive the lack of post and the floods of sick rants but I’m still not very much myself yet. Can’t even walk in a mall for over an hour without wanting to drop and cry. U_U till then. I’ll be back. I hope.

i finally get around to making a new layout after switching to wordpress. i dig around for my wacom tablet lo and behold

TRAGEDY.

i saw ants happily making their way out of the crevices of my tablet.

THEY FUCKING MADE A NEST IN MY WACOM TABLET!?!?! MY ONE AND ONLY BOUGHT WITH MY FIRST PAY CHECK TABLET. FML.

i tried drowning them all since there’s pretty much no way i can save my tablet anyway.

after soaking it in hot water for almost half an hour. the ants just still kept spewing out like they were infinite T_T. must be those damn air bubbles that saved them. so i gave up trying to mass murder them threw my precious tablet into a plastic bag and used mosquito spray to spray the living daylight out of them.

i feel somewhat contented to have murdered the bastards.

u know normally i never kill ants because they are such hardworking insects BUT THIS IS JUST TOOOOOOOOOOO MUCH.

now i need to get a new one =(

*cries in corner*

happy early birthday to me =(

they say your closest friends can tell a fate of your relationship in the first meeting. an inate ability for them to sense and access the strangers personality in a split instance out of the care they have for you. and all we will do is sit back and defend our ground with the lowesr possible form of integrity; blind hope.

how they are able to tell how much of yourself you have thrown into the moving stream and just how weak you will become from the years of watching you grow.it is always these 3rd parties that watch and observe who are able to deduce situations much closer to the truth than those deluded by the still fantasy of promises and trust. such is the sad truth of a repeating cycle.

a while ago i promised myself not to let my walls down, never again to leave it unguarded in sheer terror and fear of the heartbreaks that would ensue and that pathethic ‘give myself up entirely’ personality to emerge.  but as always it really is much easier said than done isnt it?  more so when you are standing in front of your wall hissing and scratching at anyone that tries to come close, oblivious to the little puppy that comes trotting towards your wall from behind. you are taken by surprise and resolve breaks as you squat there and look into his bright inquisitive eyes. we always never realise that it is this puppy that will have the power to crumble your walls until the deed is already done.

“i think you have gotten much stronger than you used to be” – 29 Jan Midnight, H

and i had thought those words to be true until i dreamt of you.

i have not woken up crying since what had happened in Sydney until today. neither have i woken up in exactly the same position i fell asleep in like the way i used to do 4 years back.

how is it even possible to have an absolutely normal dream of someone standing in the corner of your room looking exactly the way you found absolutely beautiful? how he is standing right there and how he kisses you the moment you turn around in your sheets. the exact identical feeling of his hand on your thighs and the warmth of his hugs on a cold quiet morning. it is strange that he looks perfectly adapt to his surroundings despite him only once stepping in for only a handful of minutes and critisizing the very room you dreamt him in.

a persons memory is a scary thing. how it it is able conjure up these images and even recreate the feelings of a persons touch in our subconsciouce dream. but what if i dont want to remember? what if with every reminder i feel my heart drop and that unsettling clench comes haunting back?

i was suppose to be so much stronger, so much more jaded. so why am i not as numb as i had believed i was?

why does he do this to me even in that few hours of dead sleep?

i never intended for this to happen. i never intended to give myself to him. and i never intended to fall in love again that easily. shit really does happen huh?

Hey mann what you doing here
I don’t remember letting you in

Hey mann how d’you get in here
You’re in my heart without consent

I always took pride in my selfcontrol
To my heart only I had the key

But something’s gone wrong with my radar screen
You slipped by and you captured me

Hey mann what you doing here
I don’t remember letting you in

Hey mann how d’you get in here
You’re in my heart without consent

I’ve done all I could to keep my head clear
Logic tells me that this should never be

But there’s no mistaking the shape I’m in
Love has filled my every waking day

Hey mann what you doing here
I don’t remember letting you in

Hey mann how d’you get in here
You’re in my heart without consent

Now hear, here’s the strangest thing
The day has come I thought I’d never see

I walk smiling in a lightglow and I’m calling out your name
I’ve lost the battle and I’m quiet well pleased

Hey mann what you doing here
I don’t remember letting you in

Hey mann how d’you get in here
You’re in my heart

Hey mann what you doing here
I don’t remember letting you in

Hey mann how d’you get in here
You’re in my heart

-Hey Mann, Lizz Wright

it all started at about 3 am where i suddenly woke up with a start, sweating. rolled around for a bit and forced myself to go back to bed because i had an exam today and due to some unforseen circumstances the day before, i had not even touched my books. total blackness and the weird dreams started hitting me at full force. dreams don’t even qualify more like a bombard of nightmares in this case. havent happened before =S this was just nightmare after nightmare after nightmare

3 stories. 3 haunting images flash across in the span of 4 hours.

the first one was the image of 2 cars having a head on collision in front of me. next thing i know, im slamming on my breaks because the cars in front of me were in such bad states they blocked the entire road. red everywhere, screams and fear stricken eyes is all i remember after that. it was just me. standing there watching in slow motion as the 2 cars hit each other and the drivers splitting their heads and dying on the spot.

then i wake up, and i can still hear them crying. 

i shut my eyes and i blank out again.

and like a repeat im in the same car, this time someone else is beside me. i can’t see his face but i know it’s a guy. all i see is shadows and im screaming at him. angry, frustrated and then im laughing and giggling. i let go of the steering wheel and he grabs hold of it. suddenly a hollow sound comes out from him and my car stops on it’s own.  i look on the road and a man is mutilated in front of me. his limbs twisted and his blood a dark stain across the ground. you can’t see his eyes. they’re not there. his lips frozen in place as flies swarm around.

suddenly thunder erupts above and it’s almost pitch black. i can hear the thundering sounds of heavy raindrops on the roof. my headlights turn on and there it remains focused on the dead man. the man next to me, he laughs. touches my face and tells me not to be afraid. suddenly im in his seat and he’s in mine. he steps on the accelerator and we race towards the corpse in the daunting rain. i remember shutting my eyes, chocking on my tears and muffled screams. i could hear the sound of bones breaking underneath. the cracking of  bones and the squelching of wet tires across his bloodied body. an echo surrounds me and with my eyes still tightly shut i hear his hollow laughter.

i sit up in bed, my eyes fly open. im in the room, the boy’s sleeping quietly beside. my body is exhauted, my heart is racing.

i reach out for him and hold his hands tightly in mine. i hold on like i’m afraid he’s going to dissapear and the next thing i know, i’m asleep because i’m now in a room thats all too familiar except it’s daylight and the walls are a bleached kind of white..

he calls to tell me he’s going away for a few days. take care of his dogs he says. she sits beside me and i mumbled my okays and then we hear dogs growling. we run down together and i see a kitten cowering by the wall. the little thing is cornered. she who is afraid of cats stands there unsure of how to react. finally she lunges towards one of the dogs and grabs hold of his collar. just in time, he almost bit the other. i run towards them. grab the little one and bring it back inside.

we’re hungry. i leave the kitten upstairs and we head to the mamak nearby. i’m eating and suddenly my heart squeezes in pain. i start to perspire as my heart rate goes up. i hear a loud wail. somethings in pain. my goosebumps and hairs starts to stand up. then it’s gone. silence. i stare across to where i am. i see something black run towards us. it’s his black dog. he’s gotten loose. he comes and rubs himself against me. and a smell hits my nose. i look down and my white shorts are covered in blood. i scream. i run blindly back towards the house. the door is wide open.

i run upstairs and all i see is fur and blood splatted across the walls and bed. the pungent smell of death suffocates me as i stand in the middle of the room and watch as the blood slides slowly down the walls. i collapse and my whole body shudders as i let out gasps of air.

again i wake up, this time my eyes remain close. and the lingering smell of blood still invades my senses.

finally they open and it’s light. i reach for my phone. it’s 7.12. my alarm is going to ring soon. i sit up again. afraid to go back to sleep. suddenly he wakes up and he asks whats wrong. he holds me tight and tells me it’s alright but he notices im still tossing and i wont go back to sleep. he goes out and brings something in. it’s the necklace he usually wears and he places it on the bed frame. finally, finally i fall asleep.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

less than 4 hours of sleep and im up having to study. lounge around the house a while, read some notes and head over to college. drive to the hostels to meet a friend who was going to tutor me a bit. i drive down the parking and my road is blocked. i cant get past. there’s nowhere else to park so i make a u turn and drive into the residents car park. see a spot with no reserve sign and park there. get out of the car and suddenly a guard comes up to me and tells me i cant park here and tells me to park outside.i tell her i can’t. theres no parking she stares at me and walks towards the edge and shows me that there is indeed still a lot of parking. im confused. very very confused. and then i realise it’s the area beyond where the tow truck had stopped. i drive back down and i’m already i’m half an hour late.

do some practice questions from past year papers and realise with a start it’s a lot easier then what i had remembered. i knew how to do a great deal of them. and i remembered the formulas i needed. felt relieved thinking that okay, i’m ready for my paper.

drive to the building and head towards my usual car park. its 1.22pm. i know, i looked at the time printed on the car park ticket.

my table number is 011. how ironic. almost like todays date. exam paper on the table. first few questions are fine. and then the headache starts. i can’t do almost half my paper. time’s running out. the questions staring back at me are totally alien.  times up. over a quarter of my paper is still empty. it was fucked. resits again next sem i guess.

disheartened. head back towards my car. my parking is 4 bucks for the first 2 hours and 2.50 for additional hours. i went 15 minutes past 2 hours. had to cough up more money then i had anticipated. drive out and i cant decide to go back home to cheras or home to damansara. finally decide on cheras. the minute my car hits cheras, it rains. and i notice i’m almost out of petrol. fuck that. go home.

home. i come online.

less than 20 mins later, power trip and there’s no electricity. to make matters worst a few car alarms are ringing simultaneously. and it goes on for the next 10-15 minutes.

sigh. im tired.

it’s been a bad bad day. 

“you’re lucky because you can still fall in love…”

am i really lucky baby? am i? because right now it feels like i’m going to collapse.

no reply, no call, you even switched off your com because ure not on msn no more and yet still no reply. the familiar tightening somewhere inside my chest, the fall into that long neverending vertical corridor. feels like i’m on a rollercoaster ride and i’m just about to reach the peak. cant see shit. nope, just the vast expense of blue skies on my left and right. tilted backwards, you see the edge of the rails and thats it. i dont know how high or how steep the fall is but secretly i do and my hearts doing that crazy dance and i think i’m going to die.

maybe i need to stop falling in love.

maybe i need to learn that people really arent at all worth my love.

i want to be jaded.

just like you and him.

i think im hysterical.

one minute im laughing, the next im slamming my fist against the pillows and then im crying. and the cycle goes on. hello bipolarity check.

welcome back…