It’s the worst feeling in the world to lose a beloved.

Especially one that you know wasn’t really to go.

She held on for days, I knew she did it just to see me and it broke my heart so bad to hear her cries and whimpers the day i left her at the vet.

My poor baby had an auto immune disease and her own body was killing her from inside and there was no cure. She had a chance of survival, though slim there was still a chance.

I came to see her the day before i left for Japan. She tried to eat and stay alive, perhaps hoping that I would finally bring her back. She yelped and whined even louder as i walked away from her cage and out the glass doors. I could still hear her from outside.

Did i break her heart this time?

Was that why she never came back?

I never thought that would be the last time i saw her, I didnt even say goodbye. No hugs and kisses just a scratch below her neck because she wasnt allowed to be brought out of the cage.

Nobody told me the day she passed away.

I just found out yesterday because nobody wanted to ruin my trip.

She died the night i flew to Japan.

Was it because she no longer felt my presence?

Did she think i had abandoned her for real this time?

I can’t help but feel like it was my fault.

I left when she needed me most and now a big part of me wished i never went.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

My baby Chippy,

I’m so sorry baby. I know for the longest time I was never around. I smelled like another dog and saw you for short hours every now and then when i came back home.

Still, you were always there by my side as i slept and followed me everywhere even awakening if i so much as stirred in my sleep. You kept me company and protected me from anything and anyone you remotely thought was a threat.

I can’t recall how old you are anymore or when we first got you.

But i remember the look in your eyes and that giant pink bow i tied around your neck. You were tiny fragile and shy. Who would have thought you would grow up to be my little soldier that believed could protect me from anything in the world despite your little size.

I hope you’re in a better place now where you’re no longer in pain.

I’m sorry for the hurt and loneliness I’ve caused.

But thank you for being my loyal guardian dog.

I love you baby.

And i really really miss you.

Rest In Peace dearest one and have fun up there in heaven.

Because I know for sure that’s where you are.

I love you.

is something that isn’t new. Something everyone else sees and knowns about despite my constant attempts at pushing it away or making excuses. Funny though. I really did believe we finally moved forward.

Guess I was wrong. This isn’t the first time I’ve been wrong about you either.

Ah.

Life.

It always happens when we happily go around telling everyone how things are finally improving. Reality picks that as a cue to rear its ugly head and slap you back into situations that reveal the painful truth.

The truth still hurts.

Even after 2 years it hurts.

The same old things.

Same old situations.

And same old attitudes.

Still, I sit here waiting and waiting.

Hoping and hoping.

For something nobody else believes possible.

Why?

It’s crazy how things can happen and change. How the reality of things really show itself in life defining moments such as just now.

“Acceptance”

That’s a strong word to use. Too strong a word and much too highly misunderstood.

It was never acceptance. It was called being emotionally numb. A sorrowful forced kind of acceptance that breaks one’s soul and hurts those around.

I thought I was happy. I just never knew it was at the expense of another in ways I did not wish.

2 years ago I lay in this room, my heart thumping away and my skin tingling in anticipation. I knew what was going to happen. I knew it the moment I sat crying in your arms and I let myself go completely.

Today I am lying in the same room and my heart is thumping as well. Only, this time I’m feeling things you took away that 2 years ago. Only 2 years but sometimes a year can feel so much longer, don’t you agree?

Happy silent 2 years.

It’s time I toughen up.

I believe I have been happy and contented for quite a while now. Or perhaps I had made myself believe that enough to some extent that I became ignorant to everything else.

Most people treasure the weekends. They count the days till friday arrives and dread when it goes away. I dread the start of a new week as well but sadly, I also dread the coming of the weekend.

For many months now, weekends have served nothing but a painful reminder of an innate hate constantly directed at me before escalating into something more. Weekends fly by like the wind for this reason, empty…pointless…and a waste of the week.

I miss my happy cheerful weekends.

I miss not counting down in fear.

And I miss not waking up to a palpitating heartbeat, wary and cautious of everything that will happen in the next 48 hours.

Anger and irritation spreads quicker than a fire. Sadly, it is also much stronger than attempts at sorry and forced smiles.

So now the truth is out.

On weekends, I carry with me a false smile while dragging along a line of emotional baggage that is not really mine.

“Are you happy?”

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There’s something uneasy in my heart and some conflict in my mind that wants and needs to be expressed. Still i stare and stare at this page wondering just what exactly is it that i need to write but all i can come up with is the image of a white screen and lines that are blurred and unaligned.

I’m sitting in my room staring at the gloomy skies thinking of the past 2 years this room has remained almost vacant because of my choice of life.

The familiarity should be of comfort but all I have been doing is sitting on the bed staring at nothing or forcing myself to sleep. The familiar has become unfamiliar and 2 years of being away has confused my body and it’s memories of where home really is.

At this point i have never wanted money as much as i do now because i wish so badly to just drop everything, especially school and just fly somewhere by my lonesome self.

I want to take a long drive to nowhere but again money becomes such a factor. The tols and the petrol, everything is a factor of everything else.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

I don’t know if im lonely without you.

But i do know despite it all i still miss you.

And more than anything else.

I hate that about myself.