its common knowledge that i am the kind of person that would rather put a bullet through a humans head than that of an animal. yet watching the hurt locket just now, i realise i am still capable of feeling human empathy. and its disheartening that it would take a movie to wake me up and be pulled back into realisation of whats really happening out there and the amount of human suffering that happens on a daily basis.

yet here we cower in our comfortable homes getting upset over things that really dont mean shit at all compared to the fragility and pain the less fortunate go through. and i cant help but to hate myself just that little bit more, for what i really cant seem to explain right now even if i tried.

my train of thoughts are all over the place as always and i cant seem to connect what i really want to say in this space today but its easy to understand why he would give up his home to walk back into that battlefield risking life and death all over again.

sigh.

sorry. incoherent thoughts. war movies make me emo.

there is that saying where time will heal yet here i stand in a case of opposing frequencies.

it is time that has made things so much messier and it is time that has made that line of staying or leaving so much more blurred.

i love you too much to just walk away.

yet i am so tired i dont know how much longer i can stay.

it is becoming increasingly hard to distinguish just what really is the actual reason of my constant feeling of loathing and dread over the past few days.

initially i had thought it was you, but today i realised it turns out that it’s really just the same reason you seem to be so edgy over the recent days.

i have never hated the constant ticking of time as much as i have lately. and i am starting to feel that heavy heart of mine gain weight everytime the clock closes near midnight. that horrid realisation that it’s time i stood up and take that reluctant walk towards my car, to cautiously step in and prepare myself for that long quiet lonely drive back  into a place i felt i never really did belong.

it has been a trying one week.

i wonder how long more it’s going to go on.

sigh.

give me back my lazy days where i can just stay in a place for days without being condemned as a rotten kid.

i am very very tired.

it feels almost like you’re dissolving away as you drive slowly along the highway towards the flashes that seem so far away. it jumps at you from a distance, a burst that lights up the night sky and then it’s dark again. you are driven towards it, pulled by its everlasting beauty and then thoughts of death and suicide suddenly feel so much more real.

 how easy it is for a person to take away another persons happiness and basic freedom.

how the idea of life itself becomes such a foolish lie.

tired.

much too tired for explanations. but its that point in time again, where this home only brings pain and the destruction of my blossoming joy.

much too familiar.

truth is, it is nothing more but just another repetitive encounter of the past of the present.

LET ME GO.

lately there has been a force surrounding me, tugging and pulling at me. a compelling kind of want to stay submerged in the waters for as long as my breath can take. day in day out, these swimming trips never happen.

“you are such a kid. i never said that. you came by yourself”

you’re absolutely right. i am a kid. and every promise every sentence you say to me is driven into my head unwilling to dislodge itself. so when will you learn to stop making me false promises and say things you never even had the intention to fulfill? i am a kid. fragile and like every painful memory, i will always forgive but never forget.

i have always had this theory about you.

i think if i were to one day disappear, i would not really be missed.

easily forgotten.

that’s what i think i am to you.