aiyoo… pictures piling up di. need to throw out some again first. and not like many of u really read the things i write anyway so pfft…

damn cute la their menu. i terlampau suka adi. wtf

i know la i damn slow la. the hyper for this place died ages ago la. but wth> im generally a slow person can?!

steamed fish otak otak!

ooooo>>

wah got big chunk summoh. but hor last time damn nice wan nowadays i eat hor like dry dry as if they instantly make and reheat U_U why liddat wan T_T really no quality control wan meh malaysia

mee rebus! quite nice ahh but i havent had this in a long long time

so itchy backside try the normal stick otak otaks la

but i prefer the steam one. fav stick otak otaks are at Jalan 222/223. LOL

@ Great Eastern Mall. my conclusion of this place is it sucks donkey balls.

and why our room name liddat wan U_U uhuhuhuhu…

so sad hor. this is half of my meal because i stopped eating meat already.

the very sunburnt father

the sisters bf

fugz with very red lips. wtf

the other half of my food “=_= and no other pics of the normal ppls food because my sister was holding the cam and she didnt change modes so they were all dark and blurry. pfft

this is blurry fat brother

and the only non fat person my sister with food in her mouth which makes her appear to be fat and greedy anyway. wtf. oh thats my grandma behind.

it feels almost like you’re dissolving away as you drive slowly along the highway towards the flashes that seem so far away. it jumps at you from a distance, a burst that lights up the night sky and then it’s dark again. you are driven towards it, pulled by its everlasting beauty and then thoughts of death and suicide suddenly feel so much more real.

 how easy it is for a person to take away another persons happiness and basic freedom.

how the idea of life itself becomes such a foolish lie.

tired.

much too tired for explanations. but its that point in time again, where this home only brings pain and the destruction of my blossoming joy.

much too familiar.

truth is, it is nothing more but just another repetitive encounter of the past of the present.

LET ME GO.

 there is always a list. a list of what a good daughter should be. a list of duties she is expected to carry out in order to prove just how well educated and loving she should be. this list, once ticked off correctly earns you the title of the perfect daughter moulded exactly as what society would nod their heads in agreement to what they see fit. but have you ever looked beyond  that little scrap of insecurities and were you really ever there to watch me grow up and see just what i’ve actually really become? how every word and action of yours has reflected upon my own habits and personality.

we are so much more alike that you would choose to believe. yet did i ever pose judgement upon you in the past when everyone else shook their head and asked if i were angry at you or threw questions at me like why they never saw you. i knew the answer, i had it and it really didn’t matter to me. it was your life, not mine. as long as you never did anything to intentionally hurt me, i stood by your side all those years keeping silent to the angry rants she threw at me or those unfriendly looks of pity passed onto me. so why is it so hard for you to understand that what i do is entirely my decision and to understand enough to know that i would never do something that could ultimately cause anyone harm. 

“you are not young anymore. use your brain and think la” were your angry words at me. i am glad you seem to think so. but yet you give no recognition of that. you tell me how i am no longer a kid yet you continue to behave as if i were still that child that sat on your shoulders asking you questions you never really could answer.

being the youngest i was always the one everyone blamed. when something went wrong anywhere, the baby of the family the one everyone loved most would also be the one who had it the most. i took a lot of verbal abuse growing up and it taught me to become a defiant child.it made me learn how to stand up for myself instead of yielding to the sort of bullshit the world often disposed around. i watched as arguments broke out and my favourite items were thrown about. items that belonged to me yet neither of you had taken into consideration as you picked it up and smashed it against things around.

i never cried during these episodes. neither did i ever take sides. i would just sit and stare refusing to believe either one was at fault. when it got too much i would stand and walk away from the ruckus into my own world of fairies and unicorns, computer games and story books. i grey up quite the loner.i was never really close to either my brother nor my sister yet i was constantly pulled into their world allowing me to see things in the eyes of someone much older. so is it really wrong that i found comfort in the friends around me and the homes of others as well?

i am happiest left alone.

why havent you noticed that.

i was closest to you when you believed i knew what i was doing.

and i miss those peaceful days when you didnt stay at home everyday.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

i saw her again today. and as she sat in her chair and said those words, she clutched on to that teddy bear you bought her those many years ago. and i felt an uneasy kind of jealousy flood through me. you will never feel the same way for me you did her. i understand this. yet i still find it so hard to accept.

while he threatened me in the car about my so called inability to see my self worth, i felt no emotion. his words meant nothing to me and all it brought was angry resentment. it’s funny. how does an angry person release tears of undefnied sadness the moment the bear was recognised really is beyond me.

am i really in this much deeper than i believed myself to be? if so, do i try to release myself or continue to let it grow?

it is so hard to take the place of someone that i seem unable to match up to sometimes.

“the odds are against you. if you choose to go on know that it’s going to be very hard for you.”

so tell me baby, how long do you think i can really hold on?

a smile on my lips may not really be a smile in this game of self control and stubborn determination.

Same stretch of road, such familiarity; it felt like i had driven into a brick wall. my heart couldn’t take the reminders. my eyes teared up and my heart plummeted to the floor. i pushed hard against the acceleration, heard the hard choke of my rev as it went well over the norm.

i think it was all the pent up anger i was holding in from the drive out of KL. i used my horn for the first time today. i almost lit a cig in my own damn car. i hate the smell of ciggies in the car. i detest people who smoke in their cars. smirks. i almost lost it.

watching my favourite couple sit on the couch and play video games together. i ached. thrown into the past of playstation 3s and wii. i remember that laugh, i remember those playful competition and i remember the tender eyes when i couldnt get past. 2 different people, but both had once made my happy in the past with something as simple as a video game in the dark.

i thought of bubble tea. how bubble tea would make me happy and then i stopped in my tracks. i remember crap bubble tea in china town. and then i remember introducing yin yong bubble tea to someone else. and then having almost tatsteless one up in that temple on the hill. both important people. both part of my bubble tea phase that only started recently over these few months.

…

sitting at their dinning table. the tv played behind me. i want a home like that. it was a home that felt like home. comfortable. happy. i lay on the living room chair, i calmed down for a second. they talked about having their first child. he wanted a boy, she wanted a girl. i went into a blur confusion, im 19. i shouldnt care about shit like that but i did. for a while i was jealous. i miss the security of having a partner and talking about things we envisioned would happen. a year back,  i remember we talked about kids; how i wanted 3. a boy and 2 girls and the names i would give.

family pictures littered the walls and tabletops. pictures of their prized daughter mostly. i used to be that prized daughter, a long time ago. i never hated my parents as much as it seemed that way. we just stopped connecting somewhere along the way. i still wish they would get over it and accept me and be open about everything. secrets and lack of conversation in fear of being screamed at and called trash is becoming tiresomely disgusting. my house holds nothing but tension and discomfort. i love being in everyone elses home but my own. sad but true.

i look at my reflection in the mirror. i wanted to smash the glass and scream.

no…

i am not at all okay.

tonight i needed you to hold me and tell me it’s okay.

instead tonight you told me no.

not today.

“the rarest thing ever happened. she laughed” - K.H

and that made me laugh and smile even more. undeniably the previous day up to today was one of my happiest moments over the past month. and sometimes you think, maybe just maybe all that pain was worth something because how else does one feel such unexplained forms of ecstasy if we were to go through all forms of happiness over and over again.continuously in a loop, happiness becomes nothing more but a daily repetition of a baseless routine. i am addicted; such is the sad state people perceive of my emotional state. highs and lows baby, thats me.

6.30 p. m : J.W Marriot for Prestige Magazine’s annual gala dinner. Think fairytales and 18th century love stories. the ballroom swept me off my feet and there i fell in love with the concept of being able to fall in love. candlelebras topped with giant gold leaf candles at every table, every corner; flicker softly in the dim romantic red of the evening. love songs of before my time and couples in the most detailed gowns dance hand in hand, arm in arm in the center of the dance floor. tables decked in the most splendid forms of tableware and the most blood red roses one would find, someone said i want my wedding to be as grand as this and i smiled.

it really was a beautiful sight. it brought me into the scenes i often played in my mind after reading one of my romance novels and it felt like i really was back in time minus the tall dark and handsome but that was fine. my “extended family” more than made up for that and being in their company always put me on a high because i know they care for me so much more than anyone would even know. think Fotoworx baby ILY guys. thank you for making me come even when i whined and said no.

12.30 a.m : Velvet, zouk. dance music of my time, my generation. birthday boys and my favourite engaged couple. mini shorts and mini skirts, shooters and champagne. sweaty hot people all around, laughter and flirts, feels almost like “home” again. dancing for the bride to be on stage with jessbabe and Cc.Yong, camwhore shots and randoms snaps. i laughed, got hyper and made new friends.

cheers to more crazy nights like this. =)

3 a.m : location, the “atmosphere” house. warm cuddles and kisses and falling asleep in a persons arms. oversized pants and t shirts that end up never coming back =p, i fell asleep in what one might possibly term as absolute bliss. morning sun, classical music and a strange sing song kind of wind, feels like my “cafes and shady trees”.

good morning world, today i am full of love.

and again its easy to believe in life’s bittersweet simplicities.