Dear Sheen Leng,

It has been almost 15 years since we met, considering the fact that  I assume we were friends since 5. Minus the drama that caused us about 3 years of silence, it has still been a long way down the road. You are still the same old girl who loves sweet cotton candy type of cardigans. I still remember your very first, it was a bright but smooth yellow one. As I never owned a cardigan then, I have always secretly wanted to try them on.

I also remember always wanting to eat from your lunchboxes that you brought to school. They were always so prettily packed and although we were friends, I never really dared to ask for any. Well, we played together but you had your own group of friends.

You are the type of friend that I simply hate and love at the same time. Both emotions balance on the level so perfectly I can’t distinguish what do I really feel of you. You are almost everything I yearn to not be, but yet I do find that courage of yours to be interestingly eye opening at times. Our opinions on things generally don’t come together, if not completely contrasting, but it’s funny how we actually don’t need to know who’s right or wrong.

As of far, you are one of my most welcoming friends that I have ever had and I would never want to jeopardize this by labelling you as my best friend because best means the best and we both know what the term can bring upon a good friendship. I can’t have a best, but  I can definitely see you as one of my closes friends, if not it.

Thank you for accepting my occasional mood swings but I also have to apologize as it is only with people like you when I can finally let go of me emotions and not cage them into where I always think it should be hidden. Actually, I don’t recall being in mood swings but I do like to get exceptionally quiet at times after alot of talking. Most probably something in between the conversation hit me at a spot, I don’t know. I’m just saying.

Sometimes I don’t know the perfect term to describe you because every single thing about you has a perfect division of both good and bad. Like how you can be selfish but the most giving, stubborn but understanding. Things like that. You know everytime you do something that goes against what I personally think is right, I don’t like it. I know you know. But as a friend I won’t try to stop you from it because I know that’s what makes you happy.

After watching Vicky Christina Barcelona, I suddenly understood the type of happiness and route you were talking about. You always told me about wanting to be happy, even for one single moment and that’s all you need – disregarding the negative consequences that had or may come. I never understood why, but that didn’t meant I wasn’t supporting you. It was just that I thought it was better to just let you be happy, as long as I never went against my own principles of cheering you on something I strongly believe is wrong.

You always say “You know know what will happen” with a smile.

To me, the phrase can never be put that way.

It was always “You never know what will happen okay!” signed with a deep frown.

As we discussed, maybe I am a little traditional and I always like to juggle with life on the safe side. Just like Vicky, I always want to know and assume that I know what I want. But then again, after the movie I thought. Maybe I just know what I don’t want – just like Christina. Maybe I could be envious of your courage in daring to challenge yourself by gambling with your emotions – something I can never dream and think of doing.

What ever happens to you, I just hope you stay happy and if there was one wish I could make for you as you, it’d be for having a happy and harmonious family.

Well, as for me – I hope now that you’re no longer a teen, you will start to see what you want and one day finalyl realise what you don’t want AND want, just like Christina.

Love,

Taufu Nat

(this is an illegal guest blog)

Love is a funny thing to experience.

I haven been in two staccato relationships. Both didn’t last long, but it was a short time of bliss. It felt good to receive love and care. Sometimes I think back and wonder, what if. What if I didn’t call it quits? Would it last until today? Would I have been as patient as I think I would be. Actually I doubt so.

Boyfriend #1 happened following a courageous incident. Boyfriend#2 because of determination.

But none of it lasted really long.

I was afraid. Afraid that I wouldn’t be able to handle it. It would be remorseful for me to handle the kind of pain I see the others going through. I am afraid that love would turn out to be something so important I never thought I needed. Maybe playing a strong front wasn’t the best idea but whenever I play it down a little, I get hurt. Its always when I feel that I have found the right one (who always turns out to be the unexpected kind) when they start breaking my heart. 

I have felt that kind of pain. That kind where your heart feels so sour you feel it folding into a mini bag. I have cried my nights off holding onto my chest, listening to my favorite songs. But I have never cried aloud, they have always been streaming tears hidden in the dark. There were also times when certain objects reminded me of  my feelings, I’d feel a strong sting that spreaded goosebumps all over my body. Every single thing I do remind me of Him – even when I’m sweeping the floor.  It’s always the what if’s. l If this happens to me when somebody I like breaks my heart, I can’t imagine what would be the end of me when I love. I hate that kind of feeling. The feeling of a departure of someone who I really care about, and want to do well. At times like this, it really isn’t important for me for things to work out in between both of us. All I’ve ever wanted was for them to be happy.

Love is so scary, I wonder why it exists. 

I’ve had alot of short come and go’s. Out of the lot, there actually were a few who truly liked me for who I am. Is it really stupid of me to think that feelings need to be mutual for a good ol’ relationship to kick off? I never believed in the “feelings will grow” theory, considering the fact that I’m pretty stubborn for who I am. For the men who I have liked, it all seemed to be mutual but it didn’t feel like they were good to last. Besides, they all had their own happiness and goals that I didn’t want to interfere into. To them, I was just someone they knew. I’m pretty good in concealing myself so they never did.

One was the macho type. He never really told me about himself, neither did I. We just clicked really well only after the second day we met. The first time I started to flutter was when he shifted my sleeve that dropped of my shoulder back to where it was supposed to be. It was really cold but we were enjoying a performance so I never noticed. It’s always this little things. I can’t understand why. He told me about his worries, and was surprised by himself when he did because he never found the right person to tell. It wasn’t like he thought I was the right one, but things just naturally flowed and picked up from there. He walked me to home and at days when he couldn’t, he would always tell me to put on more clothes or  a hat so that I wouldn’t catch the attention of others. He always saw me get off the transport. At days when we were bored, we’d go to a cafe and stay there for at least 5-6 hours with almost little or no conversation. It was always body language. We played coin games, riddles and prank called

Once, he was really depressed so he asked if I could go look for him. It was unusual for him to ask such so I told him yes, of course although I was with other friends. It was late at night, about 10 PM. I didn’t know where his house was so I walked in between the aisles, across the hills alone in the dark. At the end I got lost so I called him for help. He didn’t know where I was, and we were both worried for each other. He lectured me over the phone about how clumsy I was and why would I want to let such thing happen to me. He said he is just going to stay around and see if  I can find him, but I could hear him running and panting. It was the first time I ever felt such care. I wasn’t afraid of the dark because the place was consideringly safe. I told him not to worry as I can find my way out. After a tedious 40 minute walk and phone communication, he suddenly stopped talking over the phone. I thought the line got cut off so I just hung up. He then called me again and remained silent.He was about 150 metres infront, looking directly at me. I was at the end of the aisle, he was at the other. When we met eyes, he jumped and waved like a little boy. I was a little hungry so he brought me to his favorite restaurant, whose owner knew him well. The owner saw us and asked if I was his girlfriend, he just smiled and casually said no. I’m glad he did.We spent the whole night together outside a bank. We just sat there under the cold and enjoyed each other’s company. 

It’s not love or a relationship that is important to me, it’s just these memories that are so precious and heart warming that is.

It’s been such a long long time.  

I’ve been an idiot for fairytales but I never really believed they existed. That forever type of thing? Nah, it won’t happen. Not even when forever could possible just mean for your whole life. Even tattoos don’t stay forever. But then again, I doubt myself at certain times. Maybe I’m only saying this because i have never experienced anything close to forever?

I saw Boyfriend #1 about a month ago. I forgot his last name. I only knew him by his Christian name but I couldn’t bring myself to say my hellos. It was so awkward. I don’t know if I broke his heart, or was it just a game?  The last time I saw Boyfriend #2 was no where near recent, but the last time I say him he was the same. He treated me so well I keep wondering why’d I call it quits. Perhaps he is happier now, although I think he thinks I have a deep dislike for him. We’re always quarreling, I never understood why. Maybe because he saw through me so well I got defensive. But I truly appreciated every little thing he did. Maybe it wasn’t meant to be, or maybe the timing wasn’t right
You know when people judge your other halves? They tell you about how snobbish and conceited he is when he’s with his friends and all. It really doesn’t matter to me, as long as I believe and truly know he is an entirely different person when he is with me. And I truly believe love can change a person so drastically in a way even you would be brought aback. The only question is to whether will he remain that way along the road, after many many years?

Hmmmm.. im going to quickly write a short post now cause i might not be free the following days. Hahaha! because my boyfriend is coming to find me tomorrow. =)) wahh.. Feels good saying it out cause i cant do that in my blog.

A short intro about myself! Im msplainjane.blogspot.com. I just turned *ahem* years old few weeks ago and im currently studying in Murdoch, Perth. =) i’ve known yap sheen leng since i was 11 and we started talking only when we were 12. Oopps… I think i just exposed my age. Whatever lahh..

i dont really know how to upload pics into wordpress.. sheesh. im lousy i know. well i dont really have pics with her in my comp cause i’ve lost all my pics when someone stole my camera along with usb. but i think she hasnt uploaded these pics in her blog before.

in perth

my SUPER CUTE dog, MIMI! HEHEHE. my darling baby girl!

the raisin bread pudding she had in marmalade

sheen leng and i on her bday last year

I covered my shameless face on your shoulders. I didn’t want sex, I didn’t want you. I was looking for that thrill. That andrenaline rush. Alcohol managed to fixed me up and you were smiling in denial. I fought hard. My feelings overwhelmed, I pulled and tugged myself to you. You whispered to my fragile heart, “I missed you”.

Tonight, images of last night continuosly playing in my head. From the moment I held on to your black shirt to the moment you asked me to take care of myself when you are not around at the end of the night. The comfort is when I laid my eyes on you and you gazed deeply into mine with your heart wide open ready to make love to mine, to be vulnerable, to be hurt.

I searched deep within the lyrics of the songs played behind my head demanding for an answer. Could this be love? Could this be infatuation? Or am I in denial?

I wished there is a drug to erase you so I can overdose myself to it right now. But again, I want more time with you. Can my heartbeat stop beating for you?

Guest Blogger,
Blind Hope.

findafullmoon is on

hello readers of obs3ssionsz.net. 

:*)

ginny is currently on the plane off to melbourne . and shuushh she doesnt have a clue that im hijacking her blog:P. oh well! gosh one week has seriously passed by in a jiffy!!!!!

0___0. dude andill be seeing her in less than 5 months!

thanks for visiting me in perth ginnnnz!

okkay i better leave now

nights darling cupcakes of obs3ssionsz.net. 

x