transition.

my minds swirling in a haze of loud dance music, drinks and sweaty vibrations.

flashback.

i crave.

much too sudden.

im in a wordy mood today.

music streams from my rarely used laptop speakers, shuffling in random orders yet all songs i love and adore.

every few minutes it’s a different sound, and with every delicate composition; i close my eyes and a new image forms.

now i see the play of fairy lights as they fall in and out of focus under a starlit sky and a wooden dock where gentle waves lap against it’s wooden beams.

halos.

colourful halos.

everythings a blur. but the changing of coloured lights that seem to beat like heartbeats of fireflies.

green grass. blue skies. white clouds.

sprawled bodies, hands intertwined.

checkered cloth. knee length dresses. little brights yellow daisies.

fantasy.

it’s amazing how the simple act of focusing on a song can transport you in and out of reality like the flicking on and off of a switch.

im nowhere.

but im everywhere.

im in car. the top’s open. there are trees on either side.

try hard enough and i can smell the fresh air of a countryside i’ve never known my entire life.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Come with me to a place of fantasy
I’ll take you on a sea-saw
Come with me to a place that’s by the sea
I’ll take you on a board walk
Take my hand I’ll take you to the sand
You and me will build a castle
Ready set go I’ll race you to the wall
I will win I am the fastest

I don’t wanna grow old
Bring me all the toys you can find
You don’t wanna grow up
You can be my partner in crime

I’ll be sure to write you from the war
Put your guns away it’s tea time
Water bombs and tea towel tired mums
Looking for a little me time
Close your eyes and count to thirty five
You may never ever find me
Close my eyes and then I realise
You are never far behind me

I don’t wanna grow old
Bring me all the toys you can find
You don’t wanna grow up
You can be my partner in crime
I don’t wanna grow old
Bring me all the toys you can find
You don’t wanna grow up
You can be my partner in crime

Let’s have fun, let’s play out under the sun
Will you take me by the hand
Let’s see how far we can run, yeah
Let’s play chase let’s put make up on our face
You can catch me if you can
We can make a secret place

Meet me at the playground, come with me, fool around

-Sia, Playground.

It wasn’t too long back when someone made me notice something about life that seemed almost rightfully wrong. It made perfect sense to return everything the world has given us back to its rightful cycle.

We start off having nothing and begin our lives trying to gain things; be it friends, education or even superficial things. Somewhere in the first quarter of our lives, we are almost on top of the world possessing  more things than we could really need. In most cases anyway. Yet as we grow older and pass the halfway mark, we are unconsciously required to trade our gifts for newer gifts which we never really know to what extent is the exchange so much more valuable. At some point, we begin to lose the people close to us through old age and death or just the passing and going of friends and then we lose even ourselves. We return what we have learnt back and our vision begins to impair and go away. Everything we ever had in the end eventually becomes nothing.

So we start with nothing, gain everything and finally end once again with nothing.

But how do we figure out when to let go of certain things in our lives in order to reach that end. Do we hold on forcefully, unwilling to ever let go of anything we ever had until it’s time or do we allow ourselves to let them slip casually by with ease and an understanding that everything must eventually be returned?

All my rooms are filled with musty dust
Time has taken all that I possess
I never know if to laugh or to scream
To hate or to believe

Daughter Darling-Broken Bridge

What do we give up? What do we keep? Is there ever really a right and a wrong?

Why are emotions such messy things. Why do they behave like a wildfire in a forest despite the attempts to keep them in?

Or am i just weak?

November has been a painful month for me.

It should have been perfect.

Silence.

Suffocation.

I close my eyes. Close them at the blurry liquid that forms. My head is spinning. Everything is spinning.

I can barely breath.

All i hear is buzzing. A buzzing that causes the spilling of red. A red that gets darker and darker and finally all i see is black.

Then i am gone.

I slip into unconsciousness. Praying for happy dreams.

Only, they never come.

I reopen them, reopen my eyes and sleeping mind.

It’s morning.

I’m staring at the white ceiling. Listening to to whirring of the fans as my sight tries to refocus.

It’s the same.

My eyes a stinging pain.

My chest feels that unsettling compression.

I’m still suffocating. Nothings changed.

I try to stop it. Stop the darkness that falls over me.

I lose.

I lay there, unmoving. It is as if i were dead.

I don’t know how long. I don’t know how long i stared at the sharp moving blades above me.

They remind me of last night. The last memory i had before it all went blank.

It was white. White everywhere. The tiles on the floors and even the walls.

Glaring back. Mocking everything.

In the center, there is a standing tub. White, clean and pure.

I blink.

There is water.

So inviting. Warm, clear and just taunting.

I turn away.

There is a splash.

In my precious water, sits a girl.

Naked, her skin glows just like the walls. Her eyes, they stare back at me.

Those haunting eyes, they become luminous in the contrast of her milky white skin. Her skin a mirror of porcelain, unscathed and much too tempting.

Slowly, she turns her gaze.

She is staring down. She is staring at the water she carries in her palms.

Her sad eyes flashes. A twitch of understanding. The side of her pale lips curve slightly. They are smiling. She is not smiling in joy. It is a smile of bitter content and a sadness that cannot be expressed.

Water droplets fall.

They fall like tears, tear shaped rubies from the palm of her hands.

I stand mesmerized by the tinge of red. How every droplet turned the still clear water into ripples of pink.

Lines appear across her wrist. Angry deep cuts violate her virgin skin.

I know this scene.

I know it much too well.

I turn away blinking back tears of recognition.

And i know how the tub will soon overflow and there will be nothing left.

Nothing left for that girl. Not even her wishes, dreams and hope.

And there i fall into the place of my dreams. Dreams i can never control.

I finally get up. Move away from the spinning blades above my legs.

The familiarity of this room is different. I don’t want to move. I don’t want to do anything but continue to stare up at the ceiling and its fan.

The sight that greets me downstairs only makes me sadder than i already am.

At the base of my aquarium, the carcass of another dead fish shows. There is no mercy for peaceful death. The other fishes peck and pull at it, uncaring that they had once swam and played together. I have never seen this happen. I knew it did but today the sight of it makes me sick. Sick with disgust at everything around me.

I am drowning.

Being pulled deeper and deeper into those murky red waters.

Mandalay- This Life

You couldn’t even bring yourself

To stay, oh no
You had to go
Spoil it all
I know you had to go
Now I find these endlessly
Colourblind days
To fill
You never will

(Take this life)
Take this life
Take it all
In your hands
You were mine
I could smile
You understand, fine

Again
I dream
You come to me
(Come back to me)
And comfort me
But now I dream
Where did the time go
Where did the time go
Did your love go

I know
You had to go
Spoil it all
And now I know
You never will

(Take this life)
Take this life
Take it all
In your hands
You were mine
I could smile
You understand, fine

(Take this life)
Take this life
Take it all
In your hands
You were mine
I could smile
Again

Just what you said was cold advice
I discovered sticks go with knives
I discovered I could’ve die in your chains
Still I feel, so won’t you stay
Oh, babe

(Take this life)
Take this life
Take it all
In your hands
You were mine
I could smile
You understand, fine

(Take this life)
Take this life
Take it all
In your hands
You were mine
I could smile
Again

Maybe tomorrow by stereophonics has always been one of those songs that sends me into a daze, lost in a maze of contradictory thoughts and scrambled emotions. Played on repeat with a pair of earplugs, its hypnotic tune carries me away almost like being at the bottom of that rushing river last month.

The pms is kicking in and I’m not sure if I’m angry, depressed or just blank. Why it came before a holiday I wonder. Then again, do I really?

“I’ve been down and
I’m wondering why
These little black clouds
Keep walking around
With me
With me

It wastes time
And I’d rather be high
Think I’ll walk me outside
And buy a rainbow smile
But be free
They’re all free

So maybe tomorrow
I’ll find my way home”

There are days you just want to break apart, dissect yourself fragment by fragment until you reach that core you had been so meticulously pursuing. Eyes closed, you’re alone somehow and you just want to cry till you can barely breathe. No reason needed because its just one of those days.

Tear yourself apart, stop all bodily functions and scream. Empty, hollow and deep.

Tell me, how many times can one listen to the same song until your mind starts to break into a near insanity? A different kind of drug, but a drug none the less. Poisoning your mind with poetic words over and over again.

Its beautiful isn’t it?

The sheer genius of good musicians. They are the closest things one can be to god. That magical ability to touch and control ones soul just by the strum of a guitar and that deep set voice that sings like the angels.

I am lost.

In a world I don’t even know.

they say your closest friends can tell a fate of your relationship in the first meeting. an inate ability for them to sense and access the strangers personality in a split instance out of the care they have for you. and all we will do is sit back and defend our ground with the lowesr possible form of integrity; blind hope.

how they are able to tell how much of yourself you have thrown into the moving stream and just how weak you will become from the years of watching you grow.it is always these 3rd parties that watch and observe who are able to deduce situations much closer to the truth than those deluded by the still fantasy of promises and trust. such is the sad truth of a repeating cycle.

a while ago i promised myself not to let my walls down, never again to leave it unguarded in sheer terror and fear of the heartbreaks that would ensue and that pathethic ‘give myself up entirely’ personality to emerge.  but as always it really is much easier said than done isnt it?  more so when you are standing in front of your wall hissing and scratching at anyone that tries to come close, oblivious to the little puppy that comes trotting towards your wall from behind. you are taken by surprise and resolve breaks as you squat there and look into his bright inquisitive eyes. we always never realise that it is this puppy that will have the power to crumble your walls until the deed is already done.

“i think you have gotten much stronger than you used to be” – 29 Jan Midnight, H

and i had thought those words to be true until i dreamt of you.

i have not woken up crying since what had happened in Sydney until today. neither have i woken up in exactly the same position i fell asleep in like the way i used to do 4 years back.

how is it even possible to have an absolutely normal dream of someone standing in the corner of your room looking exactly the way you found absolutely beautiful? how he is standing right there and how he kisses you the moment you turn around in your sheets. the exact identical feeling of his hand on your thighs and the warmth of his hugs on a cold quiet morning. it is strange that he looks perfectly adapt to his surroundings despite him only once stepping in for only a handful of minutes and critisizing the very room you dreamt him in.

a persons memory is a scary thing. how it it is able conjure up these images and even recreate the feelings of a persons touch in our subconsciouce dream. but what if i dont want to remember? what if with every reminder i feel my heart drop and that unsettling clench comes haunting back?

i was suppose to be so much stronger, so much more jaded. so why am i not as numb as i had believed i was?

why does he do this to me even in that few hours of dead sleep?

i never intended for this to happen. i never intended to give myself to him. and i never intended to fall in love again that easily. shit really does happen huh?

Hey mann what you doing here
I don’t remember letting you in

Hey mann how d’you get in here
You’re in my heart without consent

I always took pride in my selfcontrol
To my heart only I had the key

But something’s gone wrong with my radar screen
You slipped by and you captured me

Hey mann what you doing here
I don’t remember letting you in

Hey mann how d’you get in here
You’re in my heart without consent

I’ve done all I could to keep my head clear
Logic tells me that this should never be

But there’s no mistaking the shape I’m in
Love has filled my every waking day

Hey mann what you doing here
I don’t remember letting you in

Hey mann how d’you get in here
You’re in my heart without consent

Now hear, here’s the strangest thing
The day has come I thought I’d never see

I walk smiling in a lightglow and I’m calling out your name
I’ve lost the battle and I’m quiet well pleased

Hey mann what you doing here
I don’t remember letting you in

Hey mann how d’you get in here
You’re in my heart

Hey mann what you doing here
I don’t remember letting you in

Hey mann how d’you get in here
You’re in my heart

-Hey Mann, Lizz Wright