you’re pretty much almost there.

im ON THE WAY.

so tired ive been sleeping at 10pm since i got back from Cameron.

Occasionally staying up past 12 but then subsequently skipping class after that.

FML.

my bed is calling

good night.

I dont know why but this video is causing a lot of racist arguments instead of the point. seriously ppl??

hey,

i get it. maybe the dog was harmful maybe it wasn’t and i know it’s for the safety of the neighbourhood but what i don’t get is how they couldn’t have dealt with it in a better way =/

perhaps a little more educations on handling the matter like tranquilizing the poor fella and handing it to more experienced ppl to put it down or to send it to a shelter to see the dog’s temperament to try and give it another chance instead.

WHY is the video instead causing ppl to argue against one another about being of a different race or a hypocrite or things like that.

sigh.

and i cant help but wonder. if that dog was a damn poodle, would this video be getting more united awareness instead..

miehh

*~*~*~*~*~*

At some point, I’ve pretty much given up on the whole animal cruelty stint.

A big part of me has died so many times that i no longer have much reaction anymore in compared to how i used to react despite that pounding agitation and the usual sting of tears.

But… this being done legally in Malaysia despite all the hoohaa that was created over the whole poodle and cat issue and all the press media, i can’t help but want to blog about this and ask why isn’t anything being done about situations like this?

Hey i get it that some stray dogs really need to be dealt with but isn’t doing it this way a little too much?

What really broke my heart was what the person who took this video said in his description,

“my 3 years old daughter asked me, what are they doing? what am i to answer her??”

Yeah, what do you answer her?

Actually,

What do you answer anyone who even understands the meaning of humanity?

I don’t know what’s wrong but i know this feeling all too well.

That darkened room with all it’s shadows and me left shivering against an unseen corner.

I want to scream, not an angry scream but an aggravated scream — and then i want to curl myself into a ball, collapsed on the floor and cry till i can no longer breathe.

I’m suffocating.

I know I am.

But the real question is this.

Why?

Is it a collection of multiple reasons or is there something in particular that’s pressing at the back of my mind?

Why am i slipping?

Why have i begun to lose my new found self?

I am regressing.

And i can’t seem to stop myself.

actually i shouldnt even be blogging right now but i can’t help myself. I’ve had a rather depressing day with barely anytime for myself so here i am ranting away and letting the world know about the tragedies that seem to like befalling careless ginny and how her day was filled with forgetfulness and tragedies D=

im pretty careless normally but today i seemed to be at higher form than usual WTF

So as usualy la im the queen of last minute assignment wan. so last night cannot sleep properly cuz brain was partially in panic mode but overall i was just too tired to continue so pandai pandai lah go wake up this morning and do. VERY GOOD. finished the assignment with an hour to spare before class starts! actually i thought class was starting an hour earlier (i saw the wrong time on my watch) and went into panic frenzy mode because i thought i was late and while in the spur of frenzies note printings, i didnt noticed that i printed abt 30 PDF files wrongly…. so i had to throw them all aside (to be used a scrap paper) and reprint them in the correct order and alignment again. WUWUUW

den nvm i had to study for quiz then my lecturer said read this article thingie so okay la i go baca la. den because i had an hour to spare i read slowly all thinking that was all i needed to read. 45 mins b4 class i decide okay la im gonna go class early today but packed up my stuff all and then i was left with half an hour.

so i drive to college and lo and behold. tragedy. no parking in my usual spot. rounded for over 20 mins. finally got a parking somewhere much further than i normally park. rushed to class and i was only 5 mins late and quiz already started. TRAGEDY AGAIN. only 1 question from the quiz came form the stupid article. eveyrthing else was from last weeks class which i didnt even bother to read because it was the first time my lecturer sent out a msg telling us that the article reading will be in our quiz. WTF. in panic frenzied mode i could not think and literally almost eveyrthing wrong when in truth they were all very simple answers and i knew them like the back of my hand but the disorientation and rush i was in made my answers go whacked as well.

AND THEN i wanted to whip my phone out to twitter about my tragedy and i realised i left my freaking phone at home?!?!? HOMAIGAD!! tragedy max because immediately after class i was suppose to meet some friends and we hadnt decided on a spot and i didnt have their nos! so i borrowed my friends laptop to attempt to go into fb in hopes they would be online and when the laptop came into my lap the internet decides to fuck up and i cannot sign into my FB T___T

not long after i go down and hand up my assignment that i had not stapled because i wasnt sure if they needed this one extra piece (i brought a staple n staples thinking im damn smart) hand up that time i realise OH FML. NO WONDER IT FELT WEIRD THAT I HAD to write my group mates name n IDS at random places. I FORGOT THE FREAKING COVER PAGE?!?! I MEAN SERIOUSLY??! WHO FORGETS COVER PAGES?!?! sigh. lecturer doesnt realise and i hope she doesnt minus any marks for that U__U or im gonna feel so guilty. but thats not really our final assignment anyway. she makes us hand in weekly basis so our tutor can check on our stuff before the final compilation. I THINK. so she cant really minus marks for me forgetting a cover page right T_T the names and IDs are on all other pages. zzz

so in my stressed mode i skipped half my class drove all the way back because my appt was in abt 45 mins. found my phone told them what happen and collected myself for a while before going out again.

new tragedy arises.

i go out and realise the main gate is open….. it didnt shut when i pressed the remote earlier and because i was in such a rush i didnt turn around to double check and the dog went out when he normally stays in even if the door is open T_T and so i am alte to meet my friends and i spent a good 15-20 mins running around the neighbourhood trying to catch the dog because for some reason he wanted to be defiant and ran off everytime i came near contrary to how he would normally be obedient. he just had to pick a day when i was late to run out and refuse to come back in T_T BEST PART. i was wearing a double layered maxi dress and the sun was super hot.

i swear all the running around, my exercise quota was made.

went to bangsar shopping center and i normally use touch n go but my touch n go didnt have enough credit. ZZZZ

after that nth much happened lar.

but busy non stop until now. its already 12 am and i only had a bit of time for myself just now and i still havent started on my next assignment which i had earlier anticipated that i would have finished by now U_U

actually got a lot more to rant wan but im having headache adi and my arm is aching cuz i have to type with my arms up thanks to my charm bracelets wtf

K THX BYE

i know i shouldnt be all emo and cryptic and dark on my blog on this festive season but i can’t help it U_U i seem to have gotten myself enveloped into another ball of negativity since yesterday and it won’t go away. new things just keep appearing and pushing their grubby little paws into my depressing ball and causing it to swell with more of its horrid little germs that stick like super glue and refused to be washed away.

what is it with me and my ridiculous sensitivity.

i need some happy pills.

How am i?

I am cranky, tired and extremely forgetful.

This is what going to school always does to me. Sigh.

Snapping at everything and wanting to go to bed by 10pm.

Hello.

I miss the lazy me that barely flinches at things.

Go away you angsty easily irritable tired me.

Good night world.

all i feel is heat. im grappling about trying to find my bearings.

the scene changes. the focus isnt me. im just a bystander watching.

theres someone lying there. i cant see whom it is.

a sudden burst of light. the dark figure is surrounded by flames. all i see is fire spreading. i still cant see his face. hes writhing in pain. im watching as his mouth opens to scream. there isnt a sound. the silence becomes anger. i feel it in the air. this figure, he becomes more upset as the flames continue to lick his perspiring body and face.

the air becomes more intense with a rage i cannot understand. as the flames grow angrier, it plays shadows across his face.

the first thing i notice is the creases on his forehead.

the flames continue to reveal each feature; slowly, menacingly.

every detail is familiar, yet i still cant place the name.

theres another figure. its a shadow. its not human.

it starts as a ball but then it starts to grow.

the first figure turns his head sharply.

hes staring right at me, his eyes pleading me to do something. hes looking right at me, but only his eyes appear real to me.

i stand there, unable to move. that pleading look changes. its annoyance and resentment.

he opens his mouth to say something.

instead a sudden look of pain and anguish flashes across his eyes and a scream is finally heard.

it jolts me, i start crying,

the scream, it emanates a dozen different kinds of suffering all at once. it doesnt stop. it becomes shrill and sharp and i feel my heart begin to pound.

i finally noticed the cause.

the other shadow. this shadow has taken the shape of a dog. there are no details, yet it could only be a dog. there is no real indications of this, yet you will know that there is nothing else that it can possibly be.

it has latched itself on his leg. biting into it with full force, the flames are beginning to douse off as blood seeps and flows in a dark velvet pool around the both of them.

the man, he turns to me again. once again pleading for help.

my heart feels heavy and i try to go closer but something is holding me firmly by my hands and feet. im bound. i struggle to get free and then a voice sympathetic and strange starts talking to me.

“theres nothing you can do my dear. he did this himself. he has to see what he has done to himself. feel the destruction of his uncontrollable emotions. be still.”

the flames begin to reappear.

and as it starts its dance, the scream becomes sharper and finally mute.

silence.

and then the crushing sound of bones breaking.

i shut my eyes and turn away. except i can still see it happening.

the dog, it bites harder and harder as the mans creases gets deeper and the flames become stronger.

his blood, is glistering in the light play of the flames. i feel something touch me.

i open my eyes and i look down.

the dark sticky liquid is rising. it has finally reached me. i feel myself sink unable to move away from the foul smelling scent of burning rotting flesh and the overpowering smell of blood stings even as i choke on my confusion of tears.

another scream is heard again,

different this time.

revengeful almost.

and in that split moment, the shadows on his face finally disappear.

i know him.

i know him so well.

and then my eyes fly open and im staring at the ceiling.

my heart continues to pound and my mouth is open as if im the one whos about to scream.

my dream.

it was so vivid.

i notice that im panting.

today i was offended in this way. offended much more than one would have expected. but it really was no big surprise, it had been something that was bugging me from day one since it started. at one point in time, somewhere near the beginning i started to believe that hey, maybe its been fixed. perhaps whatever it was that was holding that wall in place has been resolved and done with. only today i realise, wake up you smartass; there aint no such thing, that was a one time thing.

at the time of the occurrence, i felt my entire self esteem fall and crumble to the ground. the one thing i held my pride in, no matter what happened and it was taken away in a single white lie. one swift second, at then it was gone. along with my confidence, i felt myself worthless; worthless to the point of a much deeper emotion that sew a seed of hatred against myself for even trying at all. it was something i did not take lightly, not ever had i taken it as a joke or a reason worth lying but it was something i always held back on; something i could do on my will when i found deserving enough. today, it worked the opposite way. instead of a smile of contentment and utter satisfaction, i was left stranded confused and felt horridly unneeded.

my pride was shattered.

and i am disgusted to know that i could even be compared to something in the past that had no relative ties to me.

so very disgusted.

There is with infinite clarity and without the spot of a doubt that i am in love. and that i love more than what i would really give credit for.

It is also a painful thing when you wake up with a jolt realising the flaw in the relationship. A flaw that has been there from the very beginning but pushed aside and constantly ignored. You tear and as the flood gates open, you cant help but laugh at the cruel irony of it all. It is true. The statement really is much too true.

“Sometimes, love just isnt enough”

How do we live together when we can barely adapt. How does the relationship work when one person does things that continually endanger the wellbeing of the other? Normally, the thought of past relationships never reappear; tonight however, you realise how the relationships had been so much easier to sustain when the other party actually does pay enough attention and believe in the words you say regarding your health.

I am always lying, things happening to me are always make believe. The coughing and the constricting chest, the inability to breath or sleep comfortably. Everything is a figment of my imagination. My recurring bronchitis and my synovial sinus, all unimportant and completely unbelievable.

Today, the presented situation is much too clear. And for once in a long, very long time; i am tempted to leave it all before i end up living in a life that has no real place for me. A mechanical place where i constantly put myself in a state of health that feels almost like a slow suffocation process and wake up each day feeling like my lungs are about to give in and to cough up phlegm that you sometimes see streaks of unsightly blood in. Even if i am mentally prepared for the torture, my body can barely deal with it anymore.

The constant tiredness, the restless sleep. The need to stay a distance away despite wanting to hold on so tightly as your throat does that funny dance and you go into fits.

Today i realised how much more they had cared and loved me as well as the reality of knowing that perhaps, there really is no future in this one.

I am wounded. Physically and mentally.

And never more confused about whether to stay, or walk away.

anyway. just to tell u im still alive. somewhat.

let me live through my last 2 papers and recuperate over the weekend and i’ll be back with more regular updates instead of filler picture spams and big gaps of nothingness. =S