….i woke up feeling all forms of sad and unhappy.

i know i shouldnt be all emo and cryptic and dark on my blog on this festive season but i can’t help it U_U i seem to have gotten myself enveloped into another ball of negativity since yesterday and it won’t go away. new things just keep appearing and pushing their grubby little paws into my depressing ball and causing it to swell with more of its horrid little germs that stick like super glue and refused to be washed away.

what is it with me and my ridiculous sensitivity.

i need some happy pills.

Okay.

How am i?

I am cranky, tired and extremely forgetful.

This is what going to school always does to me. Sigh.

Snapping at everything and wanting to go to bed by 10pm.

Hello.

I miss the lazy me that barely flinches at things.

Go away you angsty easily irritable tired me.

Good night world.

its dark.

all i feel is heat. im grappling about trying to find my bearings.

the scene changes. the focus isnt me. im just a bystander watching.

theres someone lying there. i cant see whom it is.

a sudden burst of light. the dark figure is surrounded by flames. all i see is fire spreading. i still cant see his face. hes writhing in pain. im watching as his mouth opens to scream. there isnt a sound. the silence becomes anger. i feel it in the air. this figure, he becomes more upset as the flames continue to lick his perspiring body and face.

the air becomes more intense with a rage i cannot understand. as the flames grow angrier, it plays shadows across his face.

the first thing i notice is the creases on his forehead.

the flames continue to reveal each feature; slowly, menacingly.

every detail is familiar, yet i still cant place the name.

theres another figure. its a shadow. its not human.

it starts as a ball but then it starts to grow.

the first figure turns his head sharply.

hes staring right at me, his eyes pleading me to do something. hes looking right at me, but only his eyes appear real to me.

i stand there, unable to move. that pleading look changes. its annoyance and resentment.

he opens his mouth to say something.

instead a sudden look of pain and anguish flashes across his eyes and a scream is finally heard.

it jolts me, i start crying,

the scream, it emanates a dozen different kinds of suffering all at once. it doesnt stop. it becomes shrill and sharp and i feel my heart begin to pound.

i finally noticed the cause.

the other shadow. this shadow has taken the shape of a dog. there are no details, yet it could only be a dog. there is no real indications of this, yet you will know that there is nothing else that it can possibly be.

it has latched itself on his leg. biting into it with full force, the flames are beginning to douse off as blood seeps and flows in a dark velvet pool around the both of them.

the man, he turns to me again. once again pleading for help.

my heart feels heavy and i try to go closer but something is holding me firmly by my hands and feet. im bound. i struggle to get free and then a voice sympathetic and strange starts talking to me.

“theres nothing you can do my dear. he did this himself. he has to see what he has done to himself. feel the destruction of his uncontrollable emotions. be still.”

the flames begin to reappear.

and as it starts its dance, the scream becomes sharper and finally mute.

silence.

and then the crushing sound of bones breaking.

i shut my eyes and turn away. except i can still see it happening.

the dog, it bites harder and harder as the mans creases gets deeper and the flames become stronger.

his blood, is glistering in the light play of the flames. i feel something touch me.

i open my eyes and i look down.

the dark sticky liquid is rising. it has finally reached me. i feel myself sink unable to move away from the foul smelling scent of burning rotting flesh and the overpowering smell of blood stings even as i choke on my confusion of tears.

another scream is heard again,

different this time.

revengeful almost.

and in that split moment, the shadows on his face finally disappear.

i know him.

i know him so well.

and then my eyes fly open and im staring at the ceiling.

my heart continues to pound and my mouth is open as if im the one whos about to scream.

my dream.

it was so vivid.

i notice that im panting.

how do we live in fear of everything, how an awkward moment in the past could fuck up our lives in the present? making us suspicious of everything, unable to learn and trust something else again.

today i was offended in this way. offended much more than one would have expected. but it really was no big surprise, it had been something that was bugging me from day one since it started. at one point in time, somewhere near the beginning i started to believe that hey, maybe its been fixed. perhaps whatever it was that was holding that wall in place has been resolved and done with. only today i realise, wake up you smartass; there aint no such thing, that was a one time thing.

at the time of the occurrence, i felt my entire self esteem fall and crumble to the ground. the one thing i held my pride in, no matter what happened and it was taken away in a single white lie. one swift second, at then it was gone. along with my confidence, i felt myself worthless; worthless to the point of a much deeper emotion that sew a seed of hatred against myself for even trying at all. it was something i did not take lightly, not ever had i taken it as a joke or a reason worth lying but it was something i always held back on; something i could do on my will when i found deserving enough. today, it worked the opposite way. instead of a smile of contentment and utter satisfaction, i was left stranded confused and felt horridly unneeded.

my pride was shattered.

and i am disgusted to know that i could even be compared to something in the past that had no relative ties to me.

so very disgusted.

You know something has been bugging you but you can never seem to pinpoint the exact reasons to it or even figure out a clue to the situation. Day in day out, a fish dies and no large argument is happening. Something is off, and in every relationship i have had; a dead animal meant a clear block in it.

There is with infinite clarity and without the spot of a doubt that i am in love. and that i love more than what i would really give credit for.

It is also a painful thing when you wake up with a jolt realising the flaw in the relationship. A flaw that has been there from the very beginning but pushed aside and constantly ignored. You tear and as the flood gates open, you cant help but laugh at the cruel irony of it all. It is true. The statement really is much too true.

“Sometimes, love just isnt enough”

How do we live together when we can barely adapt. How does the relationship work when one person does things that continually endanger the wellbeing of the other? Normally, the thought of past relationships never reappear; tonight however, you realise how the relationships had been so much easier to sustain when the other party actually does pay enough attention and believe in the words you say regarding your health.

I am always lying, things happening to me are always make believe. The coughing and the constricting chest, the inability to breath or sleep comfortably. Everything is a figment of my imagination. My recurring bronchitis and my synovial sinus, all unimportant and completely unbelievable.

Today, the presented situation is much too clear. And for once in a long, very long time; i am tempted to leave it all before i end up living in a life that has no real place for me. A mechanical place where i constantly put myself in a state of health that feels almost like a slow suffocation process and wake up each day feeling like my lungs are about to give in and to cough up phlegm that you sometimes see streaks of unsightly blood in. Even if i am mentally prepared for the torture, my body can barely deal with it anymore.

The constant tiredness, the restless sleep. The need to stay a distance away despite wanting to hold on so tightly as your throat does that funny dance and you go into fits.

Today i realised how much more they had cared and loved me as well as the reality of knowing that perhaps, there really is no future in this one.

I am wounded. Physically and mentally.

And never more confused about whether to stay, or walk away.