It’s the worst feeling in the world to lose a beloved.

Especially one that you know wasn’t really to go.

She held on for days, I knew she did it just to see me and it broke my heart so bad to hear her cries and whimpers the day i left her at the vet.

My poor baby had an auto immune disease and her own body was killing her from inside and there was no cure. She had a chance of survival, though slim there was still a chance.

I came to see her the day before i left for Japan. She tried to eat and stay alive, perhaps hoping that I would finally bring her back. She yelped and whined even louder as i walked away from her cage and out the glass doors. I could still hear her from outside.

Did i break her heart this time?

Was that why she never came back?

I never thought that would be the last time i saw her, I didnt even say goodbye. No hugs and kisses just a scratch below her neck because she wasnt allowed to be brought out of the cage.

Nobody told me the day she passed away.

I just found out yesterday because nobody wanted to ruin my trip.

She died the night i flew to Japan.

Was it because she no longer felt my presence?

Did she think i had abandoned her for real this time?

I can’t help but feel like it was my fault.

I left when she needed me most and now a big part of me wished i never went.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

My baby Chippy,

I’m so sorry baby. I know for the longest time I was never around. I smelled like another dog and saw you for short hours every now and then when i came back home.

Still, you were always there by my side as i slept and followed me everywhere even awakening if i so much as stirred in my sleep. You kept me company and protected me from anything and anyone you remotely thought was a threat.

I can’t recall how old you are anymore or when we first got you.

But i remember the look in your eyes and that giant pink bow i tied around your neck. You were tiny fragile and shy. Who would have thought you would grow up to be my little soldier that believed could protect me from anything in the world despite your little size.

I hope you’re in a better place now where you’re no longer in pain.

I’m sorry for the hurt and loneliness I’ve caused.

But thank you for being my loyal guardian dog.

I love you baby.

And i really really miss you.

Rest In Peace dearest one and have fun up there in heaven.

Because I know for sure that’s where you are.

I love you.

Guess I was wrong. This isn’t the first time I’ve been wrong about you either.

Ah.

Life.

It always happens when we happily go around telling everyone how things are finally improving. Reality picks that as a cue to rear its ugly head and slap you back into situations that reveal the painful truth.

The truth still hurts.

Even after 2 years it hurts.

The same old things.

Same old situations.

And same old attitudes.

Still, I sit here waiting and waiting.

Hoping and hoping.

For something nobody else believes possible.

Why?

Fly By.

I’m pretty shocked at how it’s almost mid month and that we’re even in a new year.

Days have never gone by as quickly for me as this year has been so far. In fact, I’m pretty sure I’m losing track of time if it wasn’t for the fact that I never take my watch off and it so happens to actually tells the date just above the time.

So how are you guys doing?

Me?

Im great, the same if not any fatter that the last any of you have heard.

And yes, those are my real eye colour and yes I swear I’m not wearing colour contacts. And yes, I’m also very aware that my roots are growing and yes, I do indeed somewhat resemble a certain type of “seafood.” Just felt the need to clarify these few things before we move on reading so don’t go on stating the obvious or making nonsensical jokes about whatever it is you find amusing about this chubby cheeked picture of mine =p

So back to the relative theory of time and perception.

Is it true then, when they say you have less hours in a day as you get older because that sure as hell seems to be the case with me these days.

In fact, things have been moving so quickly past lately that it sometimes feels like I’m skipping days in between.

See.

As I type this, it’s a new day all over again.

How did this bizarre thing just happen again?

Wasn’t the weekend just yesterday?

Why is it suddenly Friday once more?

Ah time.

It’s only the first month of the new year but I’m still in denial that we’ve even hit a new year.

In a blink of an eye, this month will be gone as well.

Gone just as swiftly as it came.

And I will be wondering the same repeating thoughts all over again.

Amazing.

Acrylic on Resin.

Be Inspired.

A lonely, needy, depressive ball of a mess that felt too deprived of energy and lacking in the emotional capacity to meet with people other than those I’ve grown accustomed to, to the point where sitting in silence with them is not deemed as wrong or antisocial but just a quiet kind of comfortable.

I declared today “stay home and sulk day” despite my very busy week coming to an end and an entire list of things I still need to do and accomplish.

Alas, due to filial responsibilities I was forced to get out of the house by my lonesome self because everyone I called seemed either busy or just plain unavailable.

I dragged myself to 1 Utama and got stuck in the car park which was full and people going in all the wrong directions. This of course causing a jam since the road was not even remotely wide enough for two cars. A lot of yelling ensued from an angry man in a big car and the road eventually cleared.

Finally got my parking thanks to a lovely couple who pointed me in the direction of their car while patiently waiting for me before they left and thought okay, things are about to get brighter.

Went to do what I was suppose to do only to discover it was a pointless attempt and I had gotten myself into another pointless situation but refused to go home as my car was already parked. Mood dwindled down again especially with the crowd of people in the mall and the very annoying tunes of Chinese New Year melodies. Yes. I ABHOR Chinese New Year music.

Took a deep breath and made my way to the bookstore and picked up the first book that appealed to me;  The Reader, a translated German book.

Walked back down to this little cafe that caught my eye many times, ordered a cake and some tea and made myself comfortable.

It was love at first sight.

.

.

.

It’s been almost a year since I last picked up a book and read it. I’ve bought many but none of them have even left their plastic wrappers and sit lying in random places scattered all over Mutiara as well as Cheras.

Today, i picked up a book that absorbed me into it’s world the moment i started reading. The cozy setting of the very appropriately named cafe Whisk, their amazing Granny Cake – an apple cake with Butterscotch cream frosting and a steaming cup of English Breakfast Tea. The aromatic smells of freshly brewed coffee and the soothing sounds of jazz being played on their speakers and i got whisked away as well into my own little cocoon of solitude.

It feels good to finally fall back into the steady habit of getting lost in the world of books and sitting alone in cozy cafe corners.

For that almost 2 hours, I lost my initial sense of gripping neediness and jittery emotions and felt a forgotten calm and serenity.

Whisked.

Such is the name of a bakery that took me away from reality and left me happy and contented for quite a while.

All they need now is some sofa’s and I may be found there everyday.

Maybe.

Days of being happy went on and tonight marks it’s time for reversal.

I’m not sad. I’m not upset.

I’m just living in it’s balance of ups and downs.

Actually, it’s strange and funny.

But I think I may actually be content. Is this good? Or is this even bad?

Merry Early Christmas loves!

♥

I think I’ve finally progressed =)

Posted with WordPress for BlackBerry.

that’s what i am.

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I miss you.

I open my blog every now and then before staring at the last post and the date. This makes me glance at my watch and the same very thoughts start make their appearances; – “where has the time gone?”

Day becomes night and night becomes day repetitively without fail and at some point i lose track of time, days and dates.

It’s not that i am up and about being busy with every minute that i have. Yet so many restrictions and responsibilities weigh themselves in my face and my brain automatically takes this as a queue to go into a shut off mode and not do anything i want to do.

All those times of saying i want to play my playstation, i want to finish reading a book, i want to paint a picture and the many more that i have made in worded promises or even written down in this very blog or anywhere else never seem to happen. Then i look at the date and it’s almost the end of the year.

Time is a funny thing.

I seem to work in funnier ways.

This weekend,

I think i’m going to bake a cake. Or perhaps i shall make some cookies instead.

Who cares if i have a paper on Monday.

My heart just isn’t there.

I want to do something I love instead.

Nuffnang is so many things to me because of how attached I’ve grown to them even to the extent of perhaps calling them my blogging family.

I’ve stuck around since they started not really knowing who they were or what their intentions had been.A mutual friend had been working in the company and i placed their banner ad in my blog just as a sign of support not really expecting much of anything. However, they’ve surprised me over and over again with memories i can never replace.

As much as i would love to write a long sappy story about my attachment to Nuffnang, i figured this summary post would be sufficient enough =p

Wondering why i’m in every nuffnang blogging event in the start of the first 2-3 years?

Haha.

Well. I was their appointed event nuffie before they expanded and had a whole lot more staff. So if you’ve been around long enough you’ve most likely seen me around though probably not so much anymore as i havent been around all to often anymore.

But I loved working as a “part time nuffie”. Every party they’ve hosted had been amazing fun and they were undeniably one of the best employers i’ve ever had and for that i am always grateful.

They have also taken me on various trips and one of them had been to Singapore for a Christmas party. This was super cool because it was actually my first time in Singapore in years and we were placed in J.W Marriot which was AMAAZZINNNGG. I remember how obsessed i was with the swimming pool and all the fun I had.

Muahahhaa. Are you jealous yet?

I’ve also won some stuff from Nuffnang including this Coach bag at the Vaseline event for best dressed. And more recently i won their Lancome blogging competiton! So in a way, they’ve been my lucky charm because i rarely ever win anything =p haha.

I love Nuffnang.

I really really do =)

Not for the money or any other reason but for the people behind Nuffnang whom have always been very supportive and in their earlier days much treasured friends. Alas, things have gotten busy for them as well as for me and we may not meet as much but Nuffnang will still always be in my heart!

Heck!

Here’s a funny random true story.

Some of the people of Nuffnang *cough. Tim. cough. Nic* were the first few people to actually meet my current boyfriend. And this was really funny because at that time we had just been friends and the Nuffnang team ironically sat behind us and started spamming my phone with *cough. not so appropriate* messages =p

They then proceeded to continuously wink at my “now boyfriend” and a banter of “no laa. we’re just friends” — “dont lie” ensued.

Sharp eye they had because not too long later, we really did end up together.

Haha.

2 years ago.

Wow. Time flies.

I’m also extremely thankful to Nuffnang because of all the friendships they have given me. Many of which most of you may know but i will not really talk about here but a few of them have been a great light in my life especially people like Suet. The rest need not be mentioned as you guys know who you are

And of course, who else to thank if not Nuffnang for bonding me with the fishball members Natalie and Vvens so much closer. It all started with the Singapore Nuffnang Awards and the rest was just well, history.

Yes yes, we had always been pretty close friends but the trip was a huge highlight in our friendship as it was out first trip together anywhere and that sort of sealed the deal between the 3 of us

So there you have it.

2 Years down the road, and here comes the most anticipated blogging event again! The Nuffnang Blog Awards 2011!

Come 16 December 2011, 500 bloggers from around the Asia-Pacific region will flock to Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia for the Nuffnang Asia-Pacific Blog Awards 2011 in Putrajaya Marriott. The Awards aims to not only honour the region’s best bloggers, but also to bring together blogger communities from across Asia-Pacific. The Nuffnang Asia-Pacific Blog Awards is brought to you by Volkswagen Malaysia and Putrajaya Marriott.

Being with Nuffnang all these years, how could I not go for this one?

It would almost be like a friendship reunion of the fishball clan and I.

Haha =p

Hotel rooms.

I crave them much too often than I should.

And more often than not, I wished I could just check myself in and hide there for a while.

Alone.

But then I wonder, why pay so much money to sink into an unfamiliar bed just to cry myself to sleep?

Fact is, I don’t know.

All I know is, that’s what I wish I could do if I could really afford it.

Hotel rooms.

If they could talk, they would tell you so many different stories. That chair in that corner would have so much to say and those pillows would have a million emotions to share.

What was the previous guest like?

Was he alone? Was he lonely?

Or was he with someone? Someone special or just someone?

What were the thoughts running in every guests head?

Was the previous guest just like me?

Or was he was genuinely happy.

What secrets would the cracking walls whisper and what moving images would the mirrors reflect?

So much goes on.

All that history in the dimly lit rooms I crave.

Even mine becomes a part of that room whos number I will not remember.

Hotel rooms.

I need you more than ever.