today i was offended in this way. offended much more than one would have expected. but it really was no big surprise, it had been something that was bugging me from day one since it started. at one point in time, somewhere near the beginning i started to believe that hey, maybe its been fixed. perhaps whatever it was that was holding that wall in place has been resolved and done with. only today i realise, wake up you smartass; there aint no such thing, that was a one time thing.

at the time of the occurrence, i felt my entire self esteem fall and crumble to the ground. the one thing i held my pride in, no matter what happened and it was taken away in a single white lie. one swift second, at then it was gone. along with my confidence, i felt myself worthless; worthless to the point of a much deeper emotion that sew a seed of hatred against myself for even trying at all. it was something i did not take lightly, not ever had i taken it as a joke or a reason worth lying but it was something i always held back on; something i could do on my will when i found deserving enough. today, it worked the opposite way. instead of a smile of contentment and utter satisfaction, i was left stranded confused and felt horridly unneeded.

my pride was shattered.

and i am disgusted to know that i could even be compared to something in the past that had no relative ties to me.

so very disgusted.

one aquarian was born under the chinese sign of a horse;  independant, disorderly,  wild and proud. put a horse together with the water bearer and you find yourself with something rather hard to deal with, a horse that is virtually untammable and as flower hearted as can be. this free spirited horse in particular had such a contradictory personality, she often became hard to read and in the process misunderstood for deeds that were not what they were thought to be.  she was also not the type to listen and often went against a persons wishes just to show her resentment or arrogance that she would and could not be held or tied down.

she was the kind of horse that would willingly do things for her partner but never the type to follow orders. if she was told to cover up, she would dress down instead. if she was asked to come home early, she would smile laugh and then dissapear for the night. this horse felt no level of guilt for these little ploys of hers and when her little games went too far, it often brought a rage over her partners. in such cases, they would become angered and perhaps a game of shouting might ensue. in cases such as this, the little horse became a little less patient and would either walk away uninterested or start hurling rage filled insults back without a second thought sometimes even becoming a little violent.  never in all years would those close to her expect her to sit quietly down and listen.

until came along a dog who turned her world upside down.

for you see, the water horse was well known for her popularity, a social butterfly that flitted from crowd to crowd straying as far away as home as she could. waking up at odd hours and coming home in the dead silence of the night. she was a night ghost that had to constantly be surrounded by the love and attention of those around. occasionally the butterfly would shrink away, hiding away from every one but even in these times, she would still seek the refuge of a few close friends for the sake of dragging time.

soon the horse fell in love, an unlikely pair if you look at their western horoscopes. but stranger still was the fact that she was a horse and he was a dog; a most suited and compatible acquaintance in in the department of lovers.

he unknowingly had manage to hold her reins and subdued the wild little horse. she became uncharacteristically obedient and would spend her days in his field grazing in content rather than stare at the fences and figure out how to escape and run out to play. despite the sudden change in life, the horse was still the same little horse. she had not lost her spunk and personality and continued to be messy and proud. the dog however had not expected this as he had found her running in the wild; sweet, elegant and graceful, nothing like her true self. this did not sit very well with the dog whom had many expectations of the horse and this cause much of an uproar and every petty little thing became a big fight.

he would often leave open her gate and tell her to leave but the infactuated little horse refused to set her hooves too far out beyond the door. she became agitated and told herself that she had to take that final step out and yet never did. over and over again this happened and still the little horse came running back at the sight of her beloved even if it meant that she had to sit through another one of his long lectures. during these times, the little horse would try to rub her head against her precious dog but these talks often delivered a rather hostile environment which deterred the little horse and instead caused her to snort back unhappily as a way of showing her love despite how more restless she was slowly becoming.

the little horse and the dog had a very messy relationship indeed. it was like the sea, sometimes calm while other times raged in danger. but through it all, the little horse could not seem to set herself free and only wanted the continuous affection and love of her jaded lover, the confused and annoying dog that had taken control and hold of her slippery reins.

i need to be near the sea.

i need to be near a water source.

covered in it.

to forget this hurt

to feel its calm.

lost in a different world.

where i am one.

There comes a time every now and then, a time nobody really wants to meet. It is that time where we are pushed and heart broken over the same things so many a times that we feel like raising the white flag and just giving in.

Tonight I almost bought tickets to a nearby country, in a flurry of confusion and tears. An escape from the reminders of the harsh reality, a slap saying that maybe this road is at its end. I don’t know what stopped me, but as much as I still feel like flying off in a couple of days, I couldn’t bring myself to click on next. I am still unable to comprehend why.

Me and holidays. There are no thoughts nor barriers. I buy I fly, I really don’t give a shit. Just now, I just couldn’t do it. All I did instead was continue to cry like the stupid child I am often thought to be.

Its been a few hours since then. Exhausted myself to sleep only to lie startled and awake in the middle of the night. Something aint right. I know it and I feel it but really, I’m just too tired to even want to guess why.

Its been only 8 months. Much longer than either one of us had anticipated but much shorter than it should be. I want to believe its going to work out in the end, believe in that rainbow after the rain yet time and time again, it’s destroyed by the same fights that nearly lost us the war dozens of times before. And with each passing piece of my heart that falls to the floor, the doubts and insecurities pile higher up the wall. And its wobbling, threatening to fall with each changing gust of wind.

2 nights ago you told me to think about it, to face the stark truth that has been bugging you all this while. I want to laugh at the whole ludicrousity of it all. My dear, those thoughts had never even occurred in my mind. Not then, not even now for that matter of fact. And that would be the last reason I would want to have this relationship crumble and fall.

Yet, I can still feel myself getting worn. Too tired to want to carry on. And I think this time I may almost be there; in front of a sign that says beware, you’re really almost there.

On discerning days such as this, one finds themselves at a loss of what to do. Funnily enough, it is days like this that i find myself constantly whining about to have more of ; no plans, time to do whatever i want, more peace and quiet than usual and the most important of all, the lovely windy and cloudy weather that is of just the right temperature for lazy days of reading a book or just taking an afternoon nap. i have that today. and i am bored and unhappy =/ how more sad can that get?

in this sad state of mine, i wish to bake bread in my home in cheras or at least have a bloody oven and my baking tools here so i can do it in peace. i want to make mashed potatoes, potato salads and soft fluffy french toast but i dread having to clean up after the mess and to even get out of the house to get my stupid potatoes. i would love to have a nice big kitchen with lots of counter tops and a proper working oven and multiple hobs instead of just one or two working ones. in my future home, the most money will be spent in my precious kitchen. I MEAN IT. and it will be shiny and spotless and FULLY EQUIPPED.

i also want to read my book curled up on a one seater couch with arm rests on both sides but there is a lack of that in both homes of mine. there is  however that study cafe i love but then i would need to use money to buy a drink i dont really want to drink or be midway interrupted by a sudden group of noisy new customers and perhaps face a jam at the end. not so pleasant sounding anymore after i’ve listed that down. i have too many things to be displeased at today. i want too many things that i really can make do without today. today is a perfect day for everything lovely and nice but i am not the slightest bit content and feel whiny and bratty and spoiled.

i also want to watch tv with my lapdog next to me but they are not in this home and the ones here are too hard to control and shed too much hair to bring in. in that case i want a cat who will sit next to me and fall asleep purring as i stoke its furry little head and tickle its round little tummy. i would settle for my guinea pigs alas i get itchy if i hold them too long and i would also settle with my sugar glider but he is now going through a very destructive phase and will not sit still. there is also that fear that he will scamper of into the jaws of the dogs outside but closing the windows are not an option as the breeze is my only pleasure on this sad pathethic day of mine. ah the wails of a drama queen never cease to amuse. yes?

i am an unhappy child today. as we all already know.

that being said, i am however very pleased at the fact that i have a black bear that my mother thinks is ugly and ungodly. his name is Bono like the U2 singer because he reminds me of them for some unfathomable reason. this hard little hand made bear is the closest thing that reminds me of the bf and hence the most treasured gift from him at this point. it is also an unmistakable disaster to talk about Bono now because i am starting to miss the said bf. oh the clingy pms-y girlfriend i have grown up to become.

oh my gawd? i smell bread?!?!?!

i think i have developed a rather bizarre personality disorder.

ie : bored “si lai”

But the easiest way to link them is really from how they drive and the instance they hit a bad jam. Their instantaneous reaction as soon as they notice the ridiculously long line of red break lights gives a pretty clear view of the type of person you’re going to have to deal with. More often than not, it aint a pretty sight at all. Especially if that someone reacts badly and you’re relatively part of their life.

And once again there is no point to this post. Just a random thought bubble. So hello and bye.

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There is with infinite clarity and without the spot of a doubt that i am in love. and that i love more than what i would really give credit for.

It is also a painful thing when you wake up with a jolt realising the flaw in the relationship. A flaw that has been there from the very beginning but pushed aside and constantly ignored. You tear and as the flood gates open, you cant help but laugh at the cruel irony of it all. It is true. The statement really is much too true.

“Sometimes, love just isnt enough”

How do we live together when we can barely adapt. How does the relationship work when one person does things that continually endanger the wellbeing of the other? Normally, the thought of past relationships never reappear; tonight however, you realise how the relationships had been so much easier to sustain when the other party actually does pay enough attention and believe in the words you say regarding your health.

I am always lying, things happening to me are always make believe. The coughing and the constricting chest, the inability to breath or sleep comfortably. Everything is a figment of my imagination. My recurring bronchitis and my synovial sinus, all unimportant and completely unbelievable.

Today, the presented situation is much too clear. And for once in a long, very long time; i am tempted to leave it all before i end up living in a life that has no real place for me. A mechanical place where i constantly put myself in a state of health that feels almost like a slow suffocation process and wake up each day feeling like my lungs are about to give in and to cough up phlegm that you sometimes see streaks of unsightly blood in. Even if i am mentally prepared for the torture, my body can barely deal with it anymore.

The constant tiredness, the restless sleep. The need to stay a distance away despite wanting to hold on so tightly as your throat does that funny dance and you go into fits.

Today i realised how much more they had cared and loved me as well as the reality of knowing that perhaps, there really is no future in this one.

I am wounded. Physically and mentally.

And never more confused about whether to stay, or walk away.

you would think that loneliness comes and goes as it likes but it always hits and goes away in the same way it mysteriously came. at least thats what i had always believed it was; this nagging feeling at the back of your heart that tugs and pulls and makes you feel all kinds of distress but is always constant and familiar that it’s not really a surprise at all anymore the moment it crashes into your unsuspecting day. turns out you really do learn something new each day.

for me it was,or so to speak.

today i learnt a type of loneliness that felt somewhat different. it was not the kind that broke your heart and made you want to just break down and cry. it felt or in my current state, it feels like a distant memory of all things strange and unfamiliar yet comforting in a rather bizarre kind of manner. i also realise that that made entirely no sense at all but it just came out sounding that way and no other words can seem to transcribe my lack of vocabulary usage. i also noticed that it did not really explain the kind of loneliness i am experiencing but that really doesn’t matter does it?

in relations to that however is this ; i miss him too much for my own good.

but the thought of missing him makes me smile because it is this reason i know that i really am very much in love and i am grateful for that and him in my life.

tonight marks the first night i sleep alone in this “foreign” house without him by my side. a part of me tells me to go home, to huddle myself in the familiarity of my room and pets and temporarily forget the existence of this place. it really hasn’t been that long. i am after all too easily distracted.

yet a bigger part of me is holding me down and telling me to stay and face this empty house and room and the sudden quietness of the neighbourhood. its a different kind of lonely. it really is. and the scent of him burns into my senses as i bury myself deep under the covers and tightly hug the pillows that surrounds the bed. even the simplest act of pulling on a shirt always worn gives a funny kind of comfort and a feeling of being by his side no matter where we are.

today, this place doesn’t feel like home.

today, i am just a stranger invading into the space of another. and i am just this porcelain doll sitting by the corner, awaiting anxiously for the arrival of her owner.

and for a few more days, this is my special little corner.

hurry back baby, i miss you big time.

More pets in Cheras but fact is I stay in damansara more but there’s no way I can shift the rest of the animals here due to space and a lack of a maid U_U

2. I have to keep getting used to 2 different beds and air temperatures. In cheras I can huddle under my comforter and sleep happily without the air conditioning and the windows wide open. Here, I’d probably die of heat stroke and get killed by mosquitoes.

In cheras I sleep alone. In a sense that’s fine because my dogs sleep with me but I like having the boyfriend next to me. Makes me feel secure =) so sucks when I have to go back there and sleep without him =(

3. Half my clothes are here and the other half there. This may possibly be the worst of the lot because its really quite hard to match outfits and such. The inner slack in me often gives up in frustration and throws on a pair of shorts and a grubby tshirt.

4. My main computer is back in cheras. It has all my stuff like music photos and photoshop but I can’t move it here because the mother occasionally needs to use it. There’s a pc here but its not up to my comp and there’s an amazing lack of space.

No, I don’t own a laptop.

5. The long long drive between the 2 when you’re tired and cranky. And its worst when you have to drive home alone from one location to the other one =( its a sad lonely emotional drive. Very much so. Le sigh. And sometimes you just wanna stay put in one location but you know you have to make a move now or the traffic is going to be a bitch and make the drive a whole lot crappier.

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We never had that. It was a leap, eyes closed, straight into this. This messy uncertain relationship that makes way for so much insecurities and doubts of emotional disaster.

I am no better. Really, I’m not. I fear relationships and commitment so much more than you would possibly believe. How wounded my trust level really is and how wary I really am every time I step into another chapter with someone so new. Constantly I question myself, question how much more my fragile broken heart can really take. That once innocent piece of muscle beating strong and hopeful, over the years has been reduced to cracks and missing pieces taped back into place by old sticky tape. Such is the sad state I’m really in.

And this my dear,
Is my confession to you.

I am more afraid, so much more afraid of my own broken heart than what I have led you to believe.

And I almost never fully trust, the one that holds my heart, not without a lot of time and patience from the other party and his own heart.

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