Days go by as if reality itself was nothing more than an illusion. Days hold no significance, it’s just a game of chasing time for no apparent reason.
The heart stops beating.
Days of carefree smiles and fearless games lace themselves repeatedly in my dreams. I was innocent once; innocent and indescribably happy.
Trees, bicycles, a dalmation, swings and a jungle gym were my best friends. Falls and scraped knees meant nothing then. I see it all — the roads, the paths and the green grass i spent hours each day exploring. I didn’t need anybody, walking along on my own, I loved each day despite everything else around that was going on.
Love was overflowing. Everyone deserved my smile. My tears were reserved for the mourning of dead hamsters and not being allowed to let my dog sleep in the house. They were not meant to spill for anybody else, not the way they dominate my eyes now.
I was a quiet child. I was the child that hid behind familiar faces and kept her mouth shut. I ran to corners and sat on my own, staring and watching as i whispered to any available animal i could get my hands on.
Still, I had been a happy child. I didn’t need anyone but myself.
Do you know me?
Do you know me at all?
Can you see how the sparkle in my eyes rely so much on you now. How everything else I have left in fear of being judged by you as someone unworthy of your smile.
You don’t notice me disappear.
You don’t see the signs.
How could you?
You never really knew me.
I want to run. I want to flee. I want my pain to stop.
For the only one who can return my sparkle will not give it to me.
And I sit despondently in my corner, bemused by own trapped stupidity.
When did anyone become more important than myself?
So much that I would become mute, weak and unsure.
I see the signs in the mirror now. My smile is awkward and lopsided. My skin is pale and uneven. My eyes squint and blink in confusion. My hair has lost it’s glossy shine, and my signature confidence, it’s gone. It’s gone and I don’t know where it’s gone.
There is only so much of an illusion of hope each day brings.
Sometimes it grows, but many times lately it becomes little but obsolete.
Tonight I let my heart break as i disappoint that little girl who smiles upside down at me on the jungle gym who knows the world had been perfectly within reach. The girl who had almost everything but gave it all away to sit at home each day and wait.
To wait for that little ray of sunshine at the end of that tunnel.
That I can barely even see.