Today I woke up a mess.

A lonely, needy, depressive ball of a mess that felt too deprived of energy and lacking in the emotional capacity to meet with people other than those I’ve grown accustomed to, to the point where sitting in silence with them is not deemed as wrong or antisocial but just a quiet kind of comfortable.

I declared today “stay home and sulk day” despite my very busy week coming to an end and an entire list of things I still need to do and accomplish.

Alas, due to filial responsibilities I was forced to get out of the house by my lonesome self because everyone I called seemed either busy or just plain unavailable.

I dragged myself to 1 Utama and got stuck in the car park which was full and people going in all the wrong directions. This of course causing a jam since the road was not even remotely wide enough for two cars. A lot of yelling ensued from an angry man in a big car and the road eventually cleared.

Finally got my parking thanks to a lovely couple who pointed me in the direction of their car while patiently waiting for me before they left and thought okay, things are about to get brighter.

Went to do what I was suppose to do only to discover it was a pointless attempt and I had gotten myself into another pointless situation but refused to go home as my car was already parked. Mood dwindled down again especially with the crowd of people in the mall and the very annoying tunes of Chinese New Year melodies. Yes. I ABHOR Chinese New Year music.

Took a deep breath and made my way to the bookstore and picked up the first book that appealed to me;  The Reader, a translated German book.

Walked back down to this little cafe that caught my eye many times, ordered a cake and some tea and made myself comfortable.

It was love at first sight.

.

.

.

It’s been almost a year since I last picked up a book and read it. I’ve bought many but none of them have even left their plastic wrappers and sit lying in random places scattered all over Mutiara as well as Cheras.

Today, i picked up a book that absorbed me into it’s world the moment i started reading. The cozy setting of the very appropriately named cafe Whisk, their amazing Granny Cake – an apple cake with Butterscotch cream frosting and a steaming cup of English Breakfast Tea. The aromatic smells of freshly brewed coffee and the soothing sounds of jazz being played on their speakers and i got whisked away as well into my own little cocoon of solitude.

It feels good to finally fall back into the steady habit of getting lost in the world of books and sitting alone in cozy cafe corners.

For that almost 2 hours, I lost my initial sense of gripping neediness and jittery emotions and felt a forgotten calm and serenity.

Whisked.

Such is the name of a bakery that took me away from reality and left me happy and contented for quite a while.

All they need now is some sofa’s and I may be found there everyday.

Maybe.

The song Some Other Time by Barbra Streisand plays in the background and the words “where has the time gone” keeps replaying itself in my head.

I open my blog every now and then before staring at the last post and the date. This makes me glance at my watch and the same very thoughts start make their appearances; – “where has the time gone?”

Day becomes night and night becomes day repetitively without fail and at some point i lose track of time, days and dates.

It’s not that i am up and about being busy with every minute that i have. Yet so many restrictions and responsibilities weigh themselves in my face and my brain automatically takes this as a queue to go into a shut off mode and not do anything i want to do.

All those times of saying i want to play my playstation, i want to finish reading a book, i want to paint a picture and the many more that i have made in worded promises or even written down in this very blog or anywhere else never seem to happen. Then i look at the date and it’s almost the end of the year.

Time is a funny thing.

I seem to work in funnier ways.

This weekend,

I think i’m going to bake a cake. Or perhaps i shall make some cookies instead.

Who cares if i have a paper on Monday.

My heart just isn’t there.

I want to do something I love instead.

It’s crazy how things can happen and change. How the reality of things really show itself in life defining moments such as just now.

“Acceptance”

That’s a strong word to use. Too strong a word and much too highly misunderstood.

It was never acceptance. It was called being emotionally numb. A sorrowful forced kind of acceptance that breaks one’s soul and hurts those around.

I thought I was happy. I just never knew it was at the expense of another in ways I did not wish.

2 years ago I lay in this room, my heart thumping away and my skin tingling in anticipation. I knew what was going to happen. I knew it the moment I sat crying in your arms and I let myself go completely.

Today I am lying in the same room and my heart is thumping as well. Only, this time I’m feeling things you took away that 2 years ago. Only 2 years but sometimes a year can feel so much longer, don’t you agree?

Happy silent 2 years.

It’s time I toughen up.

People seem to continuously mistake the idea behind trust.

I trust you. I just don’t trust your friend. That’s all.

Is that sentence really so hard to understand?

People do not hold on as hard to their ideals as they insist they do because in this circle of life, the treads of fate are so intensely messy and intertwined that a tangled ball of relationships can easily occur. In the time frame it takes to unravel that ball, confusion and chaos ensues and for a while, everything just isn’t the same anymore. Things get shaken up, temptations appear all over and the words “JUST THIS ONCE” miraculously starts forming itself line by line, alphabet by alphabet before it becomes a full blown voice in the head screaming and screaming until you either close your eyes and walk away or close your eyes and take the damn fucking plunge.

We’ve all been there.

Heck, I’ve been there.

The companies I’ve kept and the different way i seem to tolerate and get affected by someone else is all a continuous repetition in life that seems to go on and on with different people and most commonly occurring to those that say “I WONT! I WILL NEVER!”

Ahhh, fate has it’s ways of screwing about with the lives of the innocent.

Believe it.

So when more than a person says someone else is bad company for you and freaks out; sit down and take a listen because maybe there’s just something behind it.

People behave differently with different people.

But only a handful ever really realise just how big an impact and just what changes actually occur because these things are best seen by someone else.

Afterall, if you’re in a a fight with someone, are you really going to notice the clothes the other party wears or the screams that come out of your mouth?

The answer is a definite no.

And in this way, even outsiders know secrets you would never want to acknowledge.

So really,

Are the things that comes out from your buddies mouth really the entire truth?

Or are they hiding hidden agendas and screwing around with you.

Some days i want to leave it all and run away to a place where i can be alone and the realities of the world exist only in the news that litters the expanse of my coffee table.

Somewhere where the horizon is seen as clearly as the day and the sea is just a little stretch away from my tingling toes that crave its constant presence and my tears mix with it’s salty coolness.

I don’t have to have lots of money, just enough to be comfortable in my little home away from the bustling noise of the city.

One day i will have the freedom and strength to do this.

The courage to let myself go and push myself beyond my known limits.

Someday.

One day.

I will it all go.

And allow myself to truly be me.

Until then, sugar bunnies like this will be my childish amusements.

(no, i dont know where to find them)

*pictures nicked from Carmen*