The Internet Is Dead @ 9.08 p.m

And has been for an almost hellish one week. I am now typing this in word, agitated and annoyed. Seems to me that I have somehow developed a rather bad rash all over my thighs after a fever that nearly knocked me out senseless yesterday. Good gawd, what else could possible go wrong now? Oh right, im having weird period bleeds again. If it’s even my period at all. Pfft. Then again I guess it should be considering the amount of emotions that are rocketing through me or have been spiraling out of control from me the past 2 days. Damn this PMS shit.

 I am not suppose to develop feelings or any sense of attachment to you. I am not I am not. And like u said why the hell am I so defensive when im with you well good job my friend, I think u have poked a hole in my damn concrete wall. Which u blatantly very kindly insisted you would help me build back 2 nights ago. Is that why you don’t call or reply my smses that often anymore?? ARGH!! Must detach myself. Must detach myself before I get pulled into this rubbish abyss of complicated heart play.

 Am I that weak? Am I really that incapable of flings? I hate how vulnerable I feel right now. I hate how you say talk to you later k the same way he does. I hate how the first thing u cooked for me was soup the same way he did. I hate so many things but I hate myself the most. You told me not to let myself get attached. I told myself not to get attached. Well good job princess ginny, look where you’ve landed yourself again this time. Hoorah! All hail the queen of stupidity; me!

 DAMN THIS ITCH. DAMN THIS PMS. DAMN MY STUPIDITY!

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

found this on my desktop. something i recalled writing yet never got around to posting. why? i dont really know why. but it’s amazing, because ive barely seen you since i came back from Singapore which was well over 2 weeks ago and im still capable of feeling the same way you always made me feel. and still you play these games with me.

your words 2 nights ago keep ringing in my head, the way you looked at me in the lift and while i ate yet made no move to touch me, at least not until you were about to get out of the car. how you called me 3-4 times yesterday and talked to me in that soft tone you almost never used on me.

i miss you and i wish it would stop because i know with every word about you on my blog, i’m hurting someone else who’s worth so much more. you make me detest myself, hate myself because i am now everything i scorn.

“live in the moment” 2 people have said this to me. but what happens when that moment could potentially destroy the peaceful lives of 2 people you care dearly about? do you push yourself away and walk, sacrificing yourself or do you let it flow without a second thought?

I am unable to speak, no sounds will come out.What dreams caused this silence is of no importance right now but it has indefinitely robbed me of my smile. My heart is still racing despite it being over an hour ago; i feel sick. i want to hurl but once again my heart is thrown blindly into my mouth, making it unable to open up.

I did not have a good night, that is beyond obvious. Noise tha could drive a person crazy infiltrated my ears as i sat up in bed panting from that illusion paintd in my head. i want to scream, no, not a scared kind of scream, more like a confused scream indicating signs of lucid insanity.

I sit motionless, eyes bloodshot; i want myself step over the ledge of a window. No, i did not dream of my death. This, this wasnt even a dream. This was me, myself falling into temptaion of lost paranoia and those high pitched poisonous sounds. I think im losing it.

There is more, i know there is more that i need to say. Yet, staring out at the moving images, i feel like i’ve already drowned. Am i really even still alive? Strange, all i see is me sprawled unmoving on that cold solid floor.

What did i dream of you wonder. This that have happened, the present and things that might become is all that i can answer. No, it wasnt even anything sad. So why does it hurt me so bad?

There is something deliciously attractive about those who are shy. Be it a girl or a guy, i cant help but feel myself physically attracted in ways one would find rather obscene and maybe even unethical.

Undressing one with the eye becomes almost inevitable but the most vivid trick of the mind would be that first sly kiss. That one kiss that infiltrates the other’s physical being in a manner one considers caught off guard and immediately your senses become heightened and an actual breeding desire begins to grow within oneself; lust, such is that beautiful emotion and need.

Innocence always a plus point yet if there is that element of over conservativeness, all attraction evaporates into a smoke trail left slowly to dissipate in front of one’s very eyes. Taking ones innocence seems such a thing to be desired for and I wonder if I am delusional or perhaps even a little sick in the mind.

It isnt hard to imagine his/her soft lips pressed hard against mine as my body heats up inviting the idea of something more. Soft confused eyes stare back doe like igniting an even stronger need to become closer and I know then that I will be lost in a tangled mess of dirty passion if it goes any further. Touch, feel and taste then leaves a tingling sensation one constantly craves.

Lust and imagination, such a fatal combination befalls me and this habit may disgust others or maybe even cause an uproar.

Mmmm, or perhaps one would think otherwise.

but no I ain’t no pervert, just human.

Aggravation runs deep right now and i am at a lost about what to do. i find it almost impossible to concentrate on anything much less my studies right now.

i’ve heard about the whole Pulau ketam dog case quite a while back actually but at that time it didn’t seem as serious as it actually sounded. over a week later after hearing about it, the news becomes big and a friend of mine all the way in the US right now emails me about it asking i’f im willing to volunteer and it hurts because as much as i want to i really cant right now.

pathethic realisation starts to hit; just how much longer can those dogs really survive out there? yea, there are people trying their best to bring them food everyday and bring the dogs back but how long can the supplies and funds last? sigh, as piau had said ” WTF!! it’s worst that jail wei!”, i really couldnt agree more.

what seems like a glimmer of hope seems to be fading as more lives are getting weaker by the day. as much awareness of this case is beginning to finally have a major effect globally, how many people out there are really lifting a finger to help? (those with boats and mangrove expertise or whatever expertise that could make this whole rescue a lot easier)

i hate myself so much more for this. i talk and whine and rant, and yet in the end i am just like the others; sitting here in KL not really doing a thing to help.

those dgs or my own? go and help out and risk flunking my exams or do nthing, cry about it and attempt to study? doesnt really seem like much of choic no does it considering how near my exams really are and how i messed up last semester.

my hate for people just keeps eating into me and all i can think about right now is piercing a knife into heads of those who created this mess in the first place. But what good does that do if not fuel my growing anger.

and whats this about those villagers charging exorbitantly high prices just to ferry the volunteers across? how do thy even find it in themselves to actually take advantage of such a siuation disgust me to such an extent, i would love nothing more than to spit in their faces and hold their heads against the gravel of the ground with the heels of my feet as i put my weight on it. fuck you bastards, really just fuck you.

as time ticks by so does the slow heartbeats of te pulau ketam dogs ad the heavy hearts of those like me. tell me, tell me with all honesty, just how much time is left until humanity actually learns the meaning of that word.

-written somewhere between 11pm-12am

to quote a friend’s dad “I love humanity, it’s people i hate.” – Feb 07

Lately, I’ve been feeling an incompressible rage at almost everything. Every little detail makes me want to rip the hair of my head, every little sound sends me into fits of annoyance.

Currently as i write this on a piece of paper, there is a group of people on both my direct left and right talking and being obnoxiously noisy; seemingly oblivious to the many other people littered along this echo-ing corridor trying to concentrate on their work; me being one of them.

The ones on my right are a little more considerate, trying as hard as they can to speak in husher tones. The group on my left however. have no reserve. They are speaking and laughing loud enough to be heard a few hundred metres away. Due to this reason, their annoying shrieks and conversations float along this enclosed corridor like nails being drilled into the side of my head.

I feel my patience running low, and it is a relief to know that these shitheads have finally decided to leave. Yet i am not anywhere near happier because now instead i hear the voices of a new group and that annoying DING of the msn’s famed nudge. When will i ever be left in peace?

The past week my emotions have been colliding with the walls of other people’s negativity. It has been imensely tiring and mentally i am drained.

So many broken promises i have made to myself and yet so little determination for a chance at redemption. Who am i right now? I want so much to find out the truth yet with that said, all i know how to do is run; to run and to hide seems like my only genetic mark up.

And this coward that i have become does nothing for me but to make me spit in disgust at the whole idea of it all.

-written somewhere between the time of 3.00pm-5.00pm