it’s rare for me to make up my mind on something. even rarer for me to make up my mind and initiate it.

this time im pretty sure with my decision and what i want to do. only problem now is whether my parents are capable of forking out the cash.

so far it looks like an okay but still waiting for a definite answer.

im afraid. im afraid of hearing words of the opposite manner. i finally feel a little bit more at ease at my decision but what if the answer is no. and back into my dreary routine i go.

believe.

(edit: and right now i am unhappy…. fuck this shit..)

there is an undeniable sense of regret in matters of road taken and i feel at an absolute lost at my incapabililty to allow myself to love what it is that im doing. timetable’s an absolute bitch and pulls me under so deep, i feel the need to lock myself in a room and sleep till i no longer even bleed.

it’s not that i hate my classes, it’s not that i hate being in class. it’s the whole idea of it that denies me my freedom and acceptance to even want to go back to it all. it really isnt about being lazy either its about doing something i know i really have lost the passion for; a dead end at a frozen trail and all i see is this monochromed lie thats slowly burying me inside.

holidays are meant to be good for you but what happens when you never really recover from it?

my next tattoo is a suicidal fairy straped to a revolver, unladylike and fierce; a piece i fell instantly in love with yet had no proper meaning to. it just stared back at me begging to be imprinted, with words “think happy thoughts” in place of the model of the revolver. it felt so me somehow yet brought no reason or that 100% clarity of being a permanant mark on my body that time around. classes have started and i fear depression setting it; it is right now that it brings a deeper sense of being somehow. i think this week will be a good time to get it done.

i just want to run away from it all, run away from the expectations of others and live my life happy and free. “you and everyone else” i hear the words scream back in my head. but i guess im not as strong as everyone else is now then am i? im not that girl with ambition or drive to make something of herself and like many other people i have become a downcast in the cruel eyes of mankind and the society we have been brought up in.

on the bus my thai friend asked, “why are you called emo girl? i know you so long and you like happy all the time only?” it’s true, i’ve been quite the carefree child over the months of skipping classes and doing things i want but today, right now, in the midst of forcing myself to get ready for class i sit here in front of this lighted screen and finally after months, break down.

so the initial plan was crash after the epic as teng siang puts it blood bath of my c3 paper. by jove. the topic i did not open came out 2-3 times which is equivalent to well over 30 marks out of 75. pfft. so hello resit. RIGHT back to the sory

but i sat in front of the comp and ended up playing Sims 3. that was at 4 pm. it is now almost 2a.m and i just stopped about 15 minutes ago T___T. i only stopped to take a quick 15 minute dinner and a quick 10 minute shower. omgwtfbbq.

right now i am partially blind @_@ everything looks somewhat blurry and my heads spinning and omg it feels good to waste my life playing pointless games for hours after hours like i used to =D. i am sick in the head wtf.

i did update 2 days back but it was a short reminder post so i decided not to post it. but i’ll jsut add it here.

I want a 70s themed roller disco party =D

er yeah i had to remind myself in my blog because i have a lot of self proclaimed parties that i forget a few days later because i am forgetful like that.

nothing much to update my life about but obviously the exams arent over. once again i have succesfully pawned myself with my laziness and amazing procrastination skills hence i forsee many many resit papers in the near 4 months. omgwtfbbq. oh well. my bad. still cant feel that whole STUDY ITS IMPORTANT thing in my head. maybe on the final of the final chance @_@

my head hurts .____.

claypot crab rice T____T

waking up is becoming quite the chore and studying is draining the life outta me .___. yesterday i felt ridiculously stupid. i forgot my basic maths. which is a total WTF. its ginny! ginny loves maths T___T

i have 3 maths paper left and suddenly i dont like maths that much anymore. it’s probably due to the amazing ability of mine to procrastinate. so amazing to the extent that i now have just over 24 hours to remember everything and do an unidentified sum of sums to burn that shit into my head. good grief, and here i am titter tottering about blogging. when will i learn. mieh

i want to lie in bed and roll around like i just dont care and play my sims 3 T____T SIMS 3 PEOPLE.. urghhhh. urghhh sounds like im regurgitating. okay that was totally random and irrelevant. i will go slap myself now. bai @_@

omgwtfbbq. and i thought i was prepared enough. wtfff

well technically i was but my brain was working on slow mo and i didnt have enought time to finish T___T good bye A.. hello resit for the 3rd time. wtf