Sometimes we know the truth clearer than anyone else.

We listen to the words of others, the stories of others but in our heart we sense it perfectly well. Yet, day after day, we continue to live in denial of ourself and the characters that make up this awkward play of what one calls life.

Today i ached.

And a switch snapped inside.

But as twisted as fate would have it, what i desire most right now becomes unachievable without real sacrifice.

I just want to take my cat and go home.

But I can’t can I?

Am i here because of you?

Or because i don’t have the heart to abandon the one living being that continues to stay by my side and listens day in day out to my whimpers and dreams.

I hate this.

I hate how things have turned out.

And I don’t know what hope is or see joy in my glitter, rainbows and unicorns anymore.

Is this what you wanted?

To break the hopeful faith of a naive child who believed in love.

Or are you really so blinded to be unable to see.

There is no sparkle in my eyes.

There is no glow to my skin.

I am dying right in front of your eyes.

But do you even see it?

Days go by as if reality itself was nothing more than an illusion. Days hold no significance, it’s just a game of chasing time for no apparent reason.

The heart stops beating.

Days of carefree smiles and fearless games lace themselves repeatedly in my dreams. I was innocent once; innocent and indescribably happy.

Trees, bicycles, a dalmation, swings and a jungle gym were my best friends. Falls and scraped knees meant nothing then. I see it all — the roads, the paths and the green grass i spent hours each day exploring. I didn’t need anybody, walking along on my own, I loved each day despite everything else around that was going on.

Love was overflowing. Everyone deserved my smile. My tears were reserved for the mourning of dead hamsters and not being allowed to let my dog sleep in the house. They were not meant to spill for anybody else, not the way they dominate my eyes now.

I was a quiet child. I was the child that hid behind familiar faces and kept her mouth shut. I ran to corners and sat on my own, staring and watching as i whispered to any available animal i could get my hands on.

Still, I had been a happy child. I didn’t need anyone but myself.

Do you know me?

Do you know me at all?

Can you see how the sparkle in my eyes rely so much on you now. How everything else I have left in fear of being judged by you as someone unworthy of your smile.

You don’t notice me disappear.

You don’t see the signs.

How could you?

You never really knew me.

I want to run. I want to flee. I want my pain to stop.

For the only one who can return my sparkle will not give it to me.

And I sit despondently in my corner, bemused by own trapped stupidity.

When did anyone become more important than myself?

So much that I would become mute, weak and unsure.

I see the signs in the mirror now. My smile is awkward and lopsided. My skin is pale and uneven. My eyes squint and blink in confusion. My hair has lost it’s glossy shine, and my signature confidence, it’s gone. It’s gone and I don’t know where it’s gone.

There is only so much of an illusion of hope each day brings.

Sometimes it grows, but many times lately it becomes little but obsolete.

Tonight.

Tonight I let my heart break as i disappoint that little girl who smiles upside down at me on the jungle gym who knows the world had been perfectly within reach. The girl who had almost everything but gave it all away to sit at home each day and wait.

To wait for that little ray of sunshine at the end of that tunnel.

That I can barely even see.

It’s a horrid feeling to tell people everything has been improving and going great only for it to fall back to where it was. It’s as if expressing your hope and your joy of the moment curses the moment itself and a poke back of reality has to reoccur.

The past few times I cried this year were because i lost two very important dogs in my life and occasionally sudden memories of them would come and go, causing a sting in my eyes.

Today i cried for many different reasons.

I cried because of you, because of the aches of my body, and the frustration at myself.

But all mostly because of myself.

My brain is not performing at it’s usual capacity and it’s frustrating on all levels. It doesnt help that I’ve been suffering from lethargy and headaches consistently over the past few days and today a dull tingling ache has occurred behind my back. This ache comes and goes a lot but today it’s been on going for hours now and it feels like it’s affecting the entire right side of my body.

I hate how you’re not here after 2-3 days of me expressing my frustrations at the world.

But i hate myself more for being so dependent on you to be happy.

Am i really incapable of handling myself? Must i really be so incredibly affected by you about everything i do?

And I can’t help but relate everything back to his reappearance in your life.

Sometimes I wish I knew how to be free of you.

Because it really does still kill me inside.

I wonder what role do I even really play in your life.

is something that isn’t new. Something everyone else sees and knowns about despite my constant attempts at pushing it away or making excuses. Funny though. I really did believe we finally moved forward.

Guess I was wrong. This isn’t the first time I’ve been wrong about you either.

Ah.

Life.

It always happens when we happily go around telling everyone how things are finally improving. Reality picks that as a cue to rear its ugly head and slap you back into situations that reveal the painful truth.

The truth still hurts.

Even after 2 years it hurts.

The same old things.

Same old situations.

And same old attitudes.

Still, I sit here waiting and waiting.

Hoping and hoping.

For something nobody else believes possible.

Why?

This topic has been making it’s way into my life much too many times this week.

From an incidence of a close friend of mine to a continuous stream of movies and DVDs.

Is it really a happy thing for two people who really like each other to not end up together? Even when the feelings never really disappeared despite being years since their last meeting.

Many have said the movies I have seen were not sad at all and I was crazy to have cried as much as I did because in the end, there were always still the memories they both held on to and they skipped the pain of a love that dies after finally being together.

But there goes that constant questions of What Ifs?

And how do both parties really move on with their lives while still never really being able to let go of the other?

Isn’t it unfair to their future partners as well.

Why is that a happy ending?

Maybe I’m naive. Maybe I believe too much in fairytales and love stories but it always, ALWAYS hurts me to see two people who clearly have chemistry not end up being together even for just a little while yet still have their minds and hearts keep rotating back to each other as the years go on by.

I hate seeing things like that happen.

…

So do it.

Do it when they’re right next to you. Tell them how important they really are in your lives because that special moment is fleeting and every second of hesitation spells another opportunity for loss.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

(I’m sorry this post is so messy and hard to understand. It’s been a while since I last wrote and the cascade of supposedly not so sad but incredibly sad to me movies have really hit a nerve with me and my head needs a little clearing..

This post has also nothing to do with me directly or anybody else I know in particular just a wondering thought as I find being in such a situation to be such a heart wrenching one while many are able to think of how it is actually better that way.

Bah!! Even I cant understand what I’m writing….

SORREH!)