It’s the worst feeling in the world to lose a beloved.

Especially one that you know wasn’t really to go.

She held on for days, I knew she did it just to see me and it broke my heart so bad to hear her cries and whimpers the day i left her at the vet.

My poor baby had an auto immune disease and her own body was killing her from inside and there was no cure. She had a chance of survival, though slim there was still a chance.

I came to see her the day before i left for Japan. She tried to eat and stay alive, perhaps hoping that I would finally bring her back. She yelped and whined even louder as i walked away from her cage and out the glass doors. I could still hear her from outside.

Did i break her heart this time?

Was that why she never came back?

I never thought that would be the last time i saw her, I didnt even say goodbye. No hugs and kisses just a scratch below her neck because she wasnt allowed to be brought out of the cage.

Nobody told me the day she passed away.

I just found out yesterday because nobody wanted to ruin my trip.

She died the night i flew to Japan.

Was it because she no longer felt my presence?

Did she think i had abandoned her for real this time?

I can’t help but feel like it was my fault.

I left when she needed me most and now a big part of me wished i never went.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

My baby Chippy,

I’m so sorry baby. I know for the longest time I was never around. I smelled like another dog and saw you for short hours every now and then when i came back home.

Still, you were always there by my side as i slept and followed me everywhere even awakening if i so much as stirred in my sleep. You kept me company and protected me from anything and anyone you remotely thought was a threat.

I can’t recall how old you are anymore or when we first got you.

But i remember the look in your eyes and that giant pink bow i tied around your neck. You were tiny fragile and shy. Who would have thought you would grow up to be my little soldier that believed could protect me from anything in the world despite your little size.

I hope you’re in a better place now where you’re no longer in pain.

I’m sorry for the hurt and loneliness I’ve caused.

But thank you for being my loyal guardian dog.

I love you baby.

And i really really miss you.

Rest In Peace dearest one and have fun up there in heaven.

Because I know for sure that’s where you are.

I love you.

Guess I was wrong. This isn’t the first time I’ve been wrong about you either.

Ah.

Life.

It always happens when we happily go around telling everyone how things are finally improving. Reality picks that as a cue to rear its ugly head and slap you back into situations that reveal the painful truth.

The truth still hurts.

Even after 2 years it hurts.

The same old things.

Same old situations.

And same old attitudes.

Still, I sit here waiting and waiting.

Hoping and hoping.

For something nobody else believes possible.

Why?

From an incidence of a close friend of mine to a continuous stream of movies and DVDs.

Is it really a happy thing for two people who really like each other to not end up together? Even when the feelings never really disappeared despite being years since their last meeting.

Many have said the movies I have seen were not sad at all and I was crazy to have cried as much as I did because in the end, there were always still the memories they both held on to and they skipped the pain of a love that dies after finally being together.

But there goes that constant questions of What Ifs?

And how do both parties really move on with their lives while still never really being able to let go of the other?

Isn’t it unfair to their future partners as well.

Why is that a happy ending?

Maybe I’m naive. Maybe I believe too much in fairytales and love stories but it always, ALWAYS hurts me to see two people who clearly have chemistry not end up being together even for just a little while yet still have their minds and hearts keep rotating back to each other as the years go on by.

I hate seeing things like that happen.

…

So do it.

Do it when they’re right next to you. Tell them how important they really are in your lives because that special moment is fleeting and every second of hesitation spells another opportunity for loss.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

(I’m sorry this post is so messy and hard to understand. It’s been a while since I last wrote and the cascade of supposedly not so sad but incredibly sad to me movies have really hit a nerve with me and my head needs a little clearing..

This post has also nothing to do with me directly or anybody else I know in particular just a wondering thought as I find being in such a situation to be such a heart wrenching one while many are able to think of how it is actually better that way.

Bah!! Even I cant understand what I’m writing….

SORREH!)

2 weeks? Really??

I don’t get how its possible that a total of 15 days have passed since my last post. Is time literally disappearing in front of my eyes or have I really been so preoccupied with things that my blog no longer consciously exists in my current time.

Not that it matters much as I have lost almost all my readers over the past year. Not sure from being a boring blogger or from the lack up current updates but the tiny fragment of ppl left do still leave me dwelling in guilt sometimes. And its always a surprise to see who actually still comes into these dusty corners that lack its much needed owners attention.

Anyway, here’s the tragedy of the day so you may all laugh at my stupid misfortunes that is actually enabling my supremely lazy self to blog right now.

I actually had a full day today like almost every other day lately but was feeling strangely more tired and sleepy than usual. So I skipped some appointments and rescheduled some others thinking ahh! I’m going to make my day free and spend my time procrastinating away on the internet and TV instead of continuing with my pile of pending workload. But as I got home, I discovered the electricity with all the external plugs were gone and no amount of flicking at the power circuit could get it started again.

So there we had it. No tv and no laptop because my laptops battery was flat.

It is now 5pm and the electrician has finally got things working but I am still typing this on my blackberry because I started the post lying on the bed waiting for the circuits to be fixed.

Okay.

Thank you for wasting your time once again by reading the chronicles of ginnys pointless life.

Wtf.

Bye!

I trust you. I just don’t trust your friend. That’s all.

Is that sentence really so hard to understand?

People do not hold on as hard to their ideals as they insist they do because in this circle of life, the treads of fate are so intensely messy and intertwined that a tangled ball of relationships can easily occur. In the time frame it takes to unravel that ball, confusion and chaos ensues and for a while, everything just isn’t the same anymore. Things get shaken up, temptations appear all over and the words “JUST THIS ONCE” miraculously starts forming itself line by line, alphabet by alphabet before it becomes a full blown voice in the head screaming and screaming until you either close your eyes and walk away or close your eyes and take the damn fucking plunge.

We’ve all been there.

Heck, I’ve been there.

The companies I’ve kept and the different way i seem to tolerate and get affected by someone else is all a continuous repetition in life that seems to go on and on with different people and most commonly occurring to those that say “I WONT! I WILL NEVER!”

Ahhh, fate has it’s ways of screwing about with the lives of the innocent.

Believe it.

So when more than a person says someone else is bad company for you and freaks out; sit down and take a listen because maybe there’s just something behind it.

People behave differently with different people.

But only a handful ever really realise just how big an impact and just what changes actually occur because these things are best seen by someone else.

Afterall, if you’re in a a fight with someone, are you really going to notice the clothes the other party wears or the screams that come out of your mouth?

The answer is a definite no.

And in this way, even outsiders know secrets you would never want to acknowledge.

So really,

Are the things that comes out from your buddies mouth really the entire truth?

Or are they hiding hidden agendas and screwing around with you.

“He doesn’t know you before… I did.”

Untamable.

That’s what he meant.

That’s what they all said.

And that’s what they all laugh about when i smile and shake my head.

In exchange for an affection i had wanted only from you, I gave myself up by will. But in our hearts we leave too much room for expectations that we fail to look at the reality of the whole picture. One way, two way. We are all guilty of such sinful demeanor.

At 10 I flew on my own to Perth to live with a friend for a month not missing the words home even once.

At 11 i took cabs and walked out of the house with only the words I’m going out. Freedom was my everything. Not coming home for days meant absolutely nothing.

At 12, i fell asleep in clubs, bars and friend’s homes with people i meet on random whims because alcohol made me sleep.

Silently, being alone became a part of me as i grew up and casually edged myself away from my safest nests.

Everyone cared. I had more love than i needed from family, friends and strangers alike.

I craved the attention. I needed the company.

But still i drifted into my corner that earned me the title of “the social antisocial.”

At 15, I walked around the neighbourhood, up the hilll taking as long as i could to reach home in heels and skirts so short you would stop and stare even if i was ugly. All this at 4am in the morning. Screams and fights and the screeching of car breaks as i scramble my way out and slam the car doors mid motion through the empty streets that scream solitude at such hours.

Trips to Bali made me happy. Walking along the dirty alleyways hand in hand in the dark and making friends with the dodgiest looking of people. There had been no lines drawn. No rights or wrongs. I did as i willed with him accompanying me along. Watching, keeping me away from harm.

Fast forward.

School trip to Seoul. School trip to Kyoto.

Midnight walks. Empty streets. Quiet carriage trains. Cold breeze. Signboards i couldn’t read.

I never felt safer.

Men who spoke in pauses and men who sometimes drew pictures. Men 3 times my age.

People never understood.

I got along with them too well.

Laughter filled my heart.

Laughter in the unknown place with men who could rape me at any given minute.

They never did.

They gave me advice and told me I was beautiful refusing to believe i was not even legal.

Fast forward more.

Parents suddenly put a collar. My freedom became restricted.

I never understood why.

I never did drugs. I never picked up a cigarette.

They said it was because i was ripe.

Funny.

I hadn’t changed a bit since i hit puberty at 10-11.

I guess people never really noticed.

My downfall then began.

I fail when I am bounded.

Depression came and go much too often.

Fast forward to 2007.

He helped me pick my clothes.

He knew my taste. He let me roam. I always came back. I was his.

Corea Seoul.

I carried his picture in a photoframe.

I missed him so much i hated the couples on the street.

Still i loved this place.

I felt like i never wanted to leave.

First night alone, she directed me home by myself.

I was scared.

For the first time ever I had been scared to walk in a strange place by myself in the dark.

It had been all the restraints put on me. That extraction of freedom from me.

10 days.

I had my own little apartment in a not so busy street.

I grew to remember the joys of lonely walks at the hours people were normally asleep.

I crave that right now.

at 21. My freedom has been restricted.

Things that made me happy now become wrong for reasons of a past that did not even involve me.

I always come back. I always do.

My trips that replenish my soul just keep being taken away from me.

I need this.

There is no way to explain it to you.

It’s not about holidays.

It’s more than just this.

It’s an accumulation of a collar that keeps getting tighter as i age and you being the one to tighten that leash.

Horses run wild.

But I walked into your stables.

I am thinning.

I need you still.

But i am dying without my fresh pastures and free runs across uncharted mappings.

Take a ride with me.

Or else let me run free.

I’ll be right here again.

I never leave.

Not until you push me.

At first it was a melancholic post.

Or at least it was meant to be a melancholic post.

But before i even started writing, these demons come back haunting.

I am a time bomb ticking.

And my sadness is now disgust.

And this is when the demons invade me further.

And i want to gorge the eyes out of the nearest person i can find, stare straight into them as i dig my fingers into their sockets.

This is what anger turns me into.

I am merciless.

I am a monster.

You make me that monster.

you’re pretty much almost there.

im ON THE WAY.

so tired ive been sleeping at 10pm since i got back from Cameron.

Occasionally staying up past 12 but then subsequently skipping class after that.

FML.

my bed is calling

good night.

I don’t know what’s wrong but i know this feeling all too well.

That darkened room with all it’s shadows and me left shivering against an unseen corner.

I want to scream, not an angry scream but an aggravated scream — and then i want to curl myself into a ball, collapsed on the floor and cry till i can no longer breathe.

I’m suffocating.

I know I am.

But the real question is this.

Why?

Is it a collection of multiple reasons or is there something in particular that’s pressing at the back of my mind?

Why am i slipping?

Why have i begun to lose my new found self?

I am regressing.

And i can’t seem to stop myself.

That cycle of breaking hearts and what ifs.

I’m stuck in a loop driving myself round and round the roundabout looking blindly for the best exit out.

This looks like the right road but maybe that one’s the real one out.

I don’t have a map and nobody is here to guide me.

At the end of the day, all i’m left with is instincts and intuition that can’t seem to sync.

How long before my car runs out of fuel? And is there a short detour i can take to refuel myself?

At some point one of those roads will take me somewhere but is it where i want to be?

The thing is, right now — even i don’t know where I’m heading.

It feels like there’s that same looming tunnel is in every direction i choose,

only which tunnel shows a light at it’s end and which merges into a dead end?