People seem to continuously mistake the idea behind trust.

I trust you. I just don’t trust your friend. That’s all.

Is that sentence really so hard to understand?

People do not hold on as hard to their ideals as they insist they do because in this circle of life, the treads of fate are so intensely messy and intertwined that a tangled ball of relationships can easily occur. In the time frame it takes to unravel that ball, confusion and chaos ensues and for a while, everything just isn’t the same anymore. Things get shaken up, temptations appear all over and the words “JUST THIS ONCE” miraculously starts forming itself line by line, alphabet by alphabet before it becomes a full blown voice in the head screaming and screaming until you either close your eyes and walk away or close your eyes and take the damn fucking plunge.

We’ve all been there.

Heck, I’ve been there.

The companies I’ve kept and the different way i seem to tolerate and get affected by someone else is all a continuous repetition in life that seems to go on and on with different people and most commonly occurring to those that say “I WONT! I WILL NEVER!”

Ahhh, fate has it’s ways of screwing about with the lives of the innocent.

Believe it.

So when more than a person says someone else is bad company for you and freaks out; sit down and take a listen because maybe there’s just something behind it.

People behave differently with different people.

But only a handful ever really realise just how big an impact and just what changes actually occur because these things are best seen by someone else.

Afterall, if you’re in a a fight with someone, are you really going to notice the clothes the other party wears or the screams that come out of your mouth?

The answer is a definite no.

And in this way, even outsiders know secrets you would never want to acknowledge.

So really,

Are the things that comes out from your buddies mouth really the entire truth?

Or are they hiding hidden agendas and screwing around with you.

“He doesn’t know you before… I did.”

Untamable.

That’s what he meant.

That’s what they all said.

And that’s what they all laugh about when i smile and shake my head.

In exchange for an affection i had wanted only from you, I gave myself up by will. But in our hearts we leave too much room for expectations that we fail to look at the reality of the whole picture. One way, two way. We are all guilty of such sinful demeanor.

At 10 I flew on my own to Perth to live with a friend for a month not missing the words home even once.

At 11 i took cabs and walked out of the house with only the words I’m going out. Freedom was my everything. Not coming home for days meant absolutely nothing.

At 12, i fell asleep in clubs, bars and friend’s homes with people i meet on random whims because alcohol made me sleep.

Silently, being alone became a part of me as i grew up and casually edged myself away from my safest nests.

Everyone cared. I had more love than i needed from family, friends and strangers alike.

I craved the attention. I needed the company.

But still i drifted into my corner that earned me the title of “the social antisocial.”

At 15, I walked around the neighbourhood, up the hilll taking as long as i could to reach home in heels and skirts so short you would stop and stare even if i was ugly. All this at 4am in the morning. Screams and fights and the screeching of car breaks as i scramble my way out and slam the car doors mid motion through the empty streets that scream solitude at such hours.

Trips to Bali made me happy. Walking along the dirty alleyways hand in hand in the dark and making friends with the dodgiest looking of people. There had been no lines drawn. No rights or wrongs. I did as i willed with him accompanying me along. Watching, keeping me away from harm.

Fast forward.

School trip to Seoul. School trip to Kyoto.

Midnight walks. Empty streets. Quiet carriage trains. Cold breeze. Signboards i couldn’t read.

I never felt safer.

Men who spoke in pauses and men who sometimes drew pictures. Men 3 times my age.

People never understood.

I got along with them too well.

Laughter filled my heart.

Laughter in the unknown place with men who could rape me at any given minute.

They never did.

They gave me advice and told me I was beautiful refusing to believe i was not even legal.

Fast forward more.

Parents suddenly put a collar. My freedom became restricted.

I never understood why.

I never did drugs. I never picked up a cigarette.

They said it was because i was ripe.

Funny.

I hadn’t changed a bit since i hit puberty at 10-11.

I guess people never really noticed.

My downfall then began.

I fail when I am bounded.

Depression came and go much too often.

Fast forward to 2007.

He helped me pick my clothes.

He knew my taste. He let me roam. I always came back. I was his.

Corea Seoul.

I carried his picture in a photoframe.

I missed him so much i hated the couples on the street.

Still i loved this place.

I felt like i never wanted to leave.

First night alone, she directed me home by myself.

I was scared.

For the first time ever I had been scared to walk in a strange place by myself in the dark.

It had been all the restraints put on me. That extraction of freedom from me.

10 days.

I had my own little apartment in a not so busy street.

I grew to remember the joys of lonely walks at the hours people were normally asleep.

I crave that right now.

at 21. My freedom has been restricted.

Things that made me happy now become wrong for reasons of a past that did not even involve me.

I always come back. I always do.

My trips that replenish my soul just keep being taken away from me.

I need this.

There is no way to explain it to you.

It’s not about holidays.

It’s more than just this.

It’s an accumulation of a collar that keeps getting tighter as i age and you being the one to tighten that leash.

Horses run wild.

But I walked into your stables.

I am thinning.

I need you still.

But i am dying without my fresh pastures and free runs across uncharted mappings.

Take a ride with me.

Or else let me run free.

I’ll be right here again.

I never leave.

Not until you push me.

At first it was a melancholic post.

Or at least it was meant to be a melancholic post.

But before i even started writing, these demons come back haunting.

I am a time bomb ticking.

And my sadness is now disgust.

And this is when the demons invade me further.

And i want to gorge the eyes out of the nearest person i can find, stare straight into them as i dig my fingers into their sockets.

This is what anger turns me into.

I am merciless.

I am a monster.

You make me that monster.

if you think im dead.

you’re pretty much almost there.

im ON THE WAY.

so tired ive been sleeping at 10pm since i got back from Cameron.

Occasionally staying up past 12 but then subsequently skipping class after that.

FML.

my bed is calling

good night.

Its almost impossible to hold my smile as the littlest of things will trigger an entirely new wave of unwanted reactions.

I don’t know what’s wrong but i know this feeling all too well.

That darkened room with all it’s shadows and me left shivering against an unseen corner.

I want to scream, not an angry scream but an aggravated scream — and then i want to curl myself into a ball, collapsed on the floor and cry till i can no longer breathe.

I’m suffocating.

I know I am.

But the real question is this.

Why?

Is it a collection of multiple reasons or is there something in particular that’s pressing at the back of my mind?

Why am i slipping?

Why have i begun to lose my new found self?

I am regressing.

And i can’t seem to stop myself.