“He doesn’t know you before… I did.”

Untamable.

That’s what he meant.

That’s what they all said.

And that’s what they all laugh about when i smile and shake my head.

In exchange for an affection i had wanted only from you, I gave myself up by will. But in our hearts we leave too much room for expectations that we fail to look at the reality of the whole picture. One way, two way. We are all guilty of such sinful demeanor.

At 10 I flew on my own to Perth to live with a friend for a month not missing the words home even once.

At 11 i took cabs and walked out of the house with only the words I’m going out. Freedom was my everything. Not coming home for days meant absolutely nothing.

At 12, i fell asleep in clubs, bars and friend’s homes with people i meet on random whims because alcohol made me sleep.

Silently, being alone became a part of me as i grew up and casually edged myself away from my safest nests.

Everyone cared. I had more love than i needed from family, friends and strangers alike.

I craved the attention. I needed the company.

But still i drifted into my corner that earned me the title of “the social antisocial.”

At 15, I walked around the neighbourhood, up the hilll taking as long as i could to reach home in heels and skirts so short you would stop and stare even if i was ugly. All this at 4am in the morning. Screams and fights and the screeching of car breaks as i scramble my way out and slam the car doors mid motion through the empty streets that scream solitude at such hours.

Trips to Bali made me happy. Walking along the dirty alleyways hand in hand in the dark and making friends with the dodgiest looking of people. There had been no lines drawn. No rights or wrongs. I did as i willed with him accompanying me along. Watching, keeping me away from harm.

Fast forward.

School trip to Seoul. School trip to Kyoto.

Midnight walks. Empty streets. Quiet carriage trains. Cold breeze. Signboards i couldn’t read.

I never felt safer.

Men who spoke in pauses and men who sometimes drew pictures. Men 3 times my age.

People never understood.

I got along with them too well.

Laughter filled my heart.

Laughter in the unknown place with men who could rape me at any given minute.

They never did.

They gave me advice and told me I was beautiful refusing to believe i was not even legal.

Fast forward more.

Parents suddenly put a collar. My freedom became restricted.

I never understood why.

I never did drugs. I never picked up a cigarette.

They said it was because i was ripe.

Funny.

I hadn’t changed a bit since i hit puberty at 10-11.

I guess people never really noticed.

My downfall then began.

I fail when I am bounded.

Depression came and go much too often.

Fast forward to 2007.

He helped me pick my clothes.

He knew my taste. He let me roam. I always came back. I was his.

Corea Seoul.

I carried his picture in a photoframe.

I missed him so much i hated the couples on the street.

Still i loved this place.

I felt like i never wanted to leave.

First night alone, she directed me home by myself.

I was scared.

For the first time ever I had been scared to walk in a strange place by myself in the dark.

It had been all the restraints put on me. That extraction of freedom from me.

10 days.

I had my own little apartment in a not so busy street.

I grew to remember the joys of lonely walks at the hours people were normally asleep.

I crave that right now.

at 21. My freedom has been restricted.

Things that made me happy now become wrong for reasons of a past that did not even involve me.

I always come back. I always do.

My trips that replenish my soul just keep being taken away from me.

I need this.

There is no way to explain it to you.

It’s not about holidays.

It’s more than just this.

It’s an accumulation of a collar that keeps getting tighter as i age and you being the one to tighten that leash.

Horses run wild.

But I walked into your stables.

I am thinning.

I need you still.

But i am dying without my fresh pastures and free runs across uncharted mappings.

Take a ride with me.

Or else let me run free.

I’ll be right here again.

I never leave.

Not until you push me.

Actually by the time you guys see this i’m already in the car checked out and going back down. Lol. There was no internet in the room and only the library area had free wifi soooo i had a lil time after breakfast today and hence im uploading it cuz it’s gonna be a busssyy busssyyy day for me!

Ciao guys.

And for the record. I love this place.

There’s an unrealistic beauty in this one picture, a reminder of how only few hours after coming back home i woke up and felt as if everything had only been a dream. For hours thereafter, i drifted about in confusion; unsure of whether the trip really had existed or had it been conjured up entirely in my dreams from that deep nap i had slid into.

A quick look into my camera confirmed it.

I had been happy. I should be happy so why wasn’t i?

I had stood on that very road the very same day i was staring at him in disbelief, questioning the whole pseudo mix of reality and time.

Alleyways and walkways in a special group of people i loved dearly. Every frame, every image taking me back into time much further that it’s suppose to go.

Why did the terms yesterday and this morning seem like months ago instead of what it should really imply? Had my 21st birthday trip really happen just a day ago? How did so many things unfold itself in this very short time spam and become this disaster area that i am now sitting alone, unmoving in my bed again.

Stop messing with me.

Stop playing around with my head like those light rays that came through the window panes while i lay next to you and your sleepy face while my closest friends remained fast asleep in the bed next to me and that little room further down the corridor.

Yesterday morning i was in love, loved and unbelievably happy lying in a tiny sofa bed that i thought wasn’t really tiny.

This morning i was somewhere else. Unloved and almost seemingly hated as words and expressions came in a flurry against my barely conscious mind.

Now at this moment, i sit alone blinking back tears in this room that has watched me grow throughout my later years annoyed at the questions of your whereabouts and why you weren’t joining us for my so called family belated 21st birthday dinner.

I see tunnels reappear.

Crossroads and decisions, i know i inevitably have to make.

I walk behind you like i always do.

A trait unrecognizable by anyone who knows me as a truth. My dominance and my confidence pulled acres closer to the ground by choice to be with someone as hard as you.

Everyone sees it. Everyone that is but you.

On friday these rocks played their roles as chairs against the calm malaccan straits.

Today they appear to me like the jagged edges of a torn and broken heart slashed to pieces by the things you’ve said and done just moments before this.

Those liquid pools of tears as dense and sticky as the air that blew across our faces while we sat staring at quite literally nothing. Well, all of us did except you who held on to your precious toy no matter where we went or what we did.

I know what i said.

I know what my 10 days meant.

I made a wish.

I dont know if this occurrence was it’s way of fulfilling it but this picture was how i had envisioned it to continue its path.

Does that mean my wish would be something entirely new?

Like the short lived joy of cheap popsicles sticks gone so quickly after only a few hungry licks.

Happiness turns to emptiness in only a matter of minutes.

Uncontrolled emotions and an unforgettable past proving it’s a winner in the matters of a previous love trumping that of a more current presence.

In a blur, there is no reassurance of a simple joy.

Bubbles blown and popped seemed so distant now i can barely even remember. All that i see is a 5 year old you running through the streets with little transparent balls of soap appearing through my magic purple wand.

Such precious gifts prove only forgettable compared to one moment of anger, resentment and pain. Negativity overpowers positivity. 2 days of smiles become non existent after only 5 minutes of frustrations. An inability to filter, organise or have a rationale in its proper sequence. There is only darkness truly left.

I am me.

I am only me.

Never her, never what your mind seems to see.

And i almost want to tear that necklace away. That necklace that looks almost like your complete ownership over something that you dont even want or even wish to see.

So hello there.

I’ve finally found some time to blog again as promised though it will most likely be a wordy post which most of you never bother reading anyway.

Just a random update but here’s what I’ve been up to recently.

I’ve finally gone back to school and in all honesty I’m not really enjoying myself all that much at all. It isn’t the subjects or the lecturers but me and school just don’t gel very well together. Heck, i can easily wake up at 5am to work or at 6am to eat breakfast or even to go swimming but asking me to get up at 7am to go to class at 8am is a whole new feat all together that i have yet to master. Sitting in a classroom or a lecture hall and trying to pay attention drains so much of my energy on a daily basis that i’m normally down and out by 10pm the same day and that is after i’ve taken a 1-2 hour nap in the afternoon after my classes.

Aiya, i know i’ve only gone for a week of classes and already I’m such a whiny bitch but i really can’t help it wei and ironically enough, the only reason i am able to blog now is because somehow for some unknown reason, I’ve managed to get sick and am lying in bed with a fever instead of freezing myself in the classroom. Actually I’m wondering how much more i can even type because my head is starting to spin. HAHHAHA but i shall persevere and go on typing at least a little more just so everyone knows I’m really alive and I’ve not abandoned this blog yet!

Aside from that, did i tell you guys about my addiction with body balance class? It made me lose like 4 KGS in just over 2 weeks. I went about 3-4 times a week but i have to give up most of my classes now since class has started. SAD. And after not going for a week I’ve gone back to developing my sloth like abilities of having my thoughts battle it out inside my brain about whether to get up and go for a session or stay home and lump myself in front of the TV with what’s left of my precious time. Which if you think about it is really a lot of time left seeing as I’ve only got 3 days of classes but those 3 days of classes are making my other days fly by like the wind and all of a sudden it’s time for class again??

I wonder if there’s something i could use to make myself love going to lectures and tutorials. Perhaps i should try a self hypnosis?

OH OH OH!!!

I went to Penang for the first time since i was last there when i was probably 5 with no recollection of the place and i must say that I LOVE PENANG!! wtf wtf. I don’t really know why but that place just feels really familiar and comfortable to me and it’s one of those little cities that i could go wondering about and plopping myself in some random cafe and just stare out at nothing. I guess because it has such a seaside town feel to it and I’m just crazy addicted to the sea. AIYA I KNOW LA ITS NEXT TO THE SEA but what i mean is the infrastructure and the pace of the place lar!!

And for the record, i really didn’t think the Lorong Selamat Char Kuey Teow was all that. SOOOOO overpriced!! There used to be this kopitiam in Aman Suria opened by a penang family and homaigad their char kuey teow is to die for wei!! If you had anything to do with hypertune, you’d likely find the hypertune boys sitting there having their daily dose of it. I’m still devastated that the place closed down and i no longer no where they are. If anyone knows do tell me okay!

And and and I’m addicted to this jagung bakar special thing i ate in Penang. MY goodness it was soooo goooooodd! they actually roasted the corn with some special sauce that caramelises a little to give a sweet and smoky taste to the corn. Just thinking about it is making me salivate and that is on my first thing to eat list if i ever go back to penang again. I got it at a stall in Batu Feringgi outside Sunset Bistro. MUST TRY I SWEAR TO YOU!

Eh okay la. cannot type anymore. nauseas already.

BYE!

Finally got my ass down to singapore. got nice parking all in sentosa too. line was long but didnt look too bad.

TRAGEDY OF THE DAY.

ended up in line for almost 4 hours and when we were almost at the ticketing counter they said sold out despite having a big stack left over?!?! ARGH OMGQTFBBQ??!?!?!

i was pretty annoyed actually because the line wasnt exactly that long but they only had 2 or 3 ticketing counters?! and the worst part of it. they only limited like 5 per person and all the dickheads in front were holding up the line by going in groups and buying 5 each so they could sell it at a much higher prices to those at the back of the line! it was reaaally reaaallly annoying because seriously go get a life la. wanna be jackasses like that just to make money at others ppls expenses. i really hope you guys fall down and pokkai or something. wtf. zoukouts management also damn pandai wan. dunno why didnt limit to a smaller amount knowing the amount of people in the crowd waiting in line to buy the tickets. seriously stupid max.

den den they said ticket sales officially start at 6!! we got there at 5 and it already started?!? wtf??

actually im not that sad. i dont know why. plus im unusually tired the entire trip .__. i keep just wanting to go back to the room and sleep.

maybe because of all the drama that ensued in order to actually get here and all the delays and the cancellation and then the last minute agreements.

oh well.

just wanted to rant. wakkakaka.

sleepeh

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