it feels almost like you’re dissolving away as you drive slowly along the highway towards the flashes that seem so far away. it jumps at you from a distance, a burst that lights up the night sky and then it’s dark again. you are driven towards it, pulled by its everlasting beauty and then thoughts of death and suicide suddenly feel so much more real.

 how easy it is for a person to take away another persons happiness and basic freedom.

how the idea of life itself becomes such a foolish lie.

tired.

much too tired for explanations. but its that point in time again, where this home only brings pain and the destruction of my blossoming joy.

much too familiar.

truth is, it is nothing more but just another repetitive encounter of the past of the present.

LET ME GO.

lately there has been a force surrounding me, tugging and pulling at me. a compelling kind of want to stay submerged in the waters for as long as my breath can take. day in day out, these swimming trips never happen.

“you are such a kid. i never said that. you came by yourself”

you’re absolutely right. i am a kid. and every promise every sentence you say to me is driven into my head unwilling to dislodge itself. so when will you learn to stop making me false promises and say things you never even had the intention to fulfill? i am a kid. fragile and like every painful memory, i will always forgive but never forget.

i have always had this theory about you.

i think if i were to one day disappear, i would not really be missed.

easily forgotten.

that’s what i think i am to you.

i’ve realise that i’ve been called many things in my past relationships. called names i have never been too proud of but it is your accusations of me that continuously bring me to a point of questioning. till this day you doubt by sincerity and have this bias picture of who i am and how i am like. day in day out you accuse me of not letting go of my past, of me continuously comparing you to them. yet i wonder if you really realise the actual picture of it all.

I AM NOT HER.

and it’s getting very tiring for me to have to keep trying to keep this fact even remotely clear.

maybe once upon a time i had the patience to turn a blind eye to it all, to keep quiet and conceal any form of unhappiness you have inflicted on me but i am not any better than you are. i may not have gone through as much emotional turmoil as you claim to have, but trust me when i say i’m sure it’s just as bad. and many a times i wonder, how the fuck is it possible that i’m still standing here today in a relationship instead of lying dead somewhere in some suicide story.

my depression has not resurfaced for over 2 years now, not in full blown proportions anyway. a hint of it has occasionally appeared but it goes away after a good cry or two. it really has been a while since i last stopped eating and the thoughts of slitting my wrist come back haunting. i thought i was through with it. finally got out of that wretched phase. how wrong i was.

you saw it coming. i know you did. you keep asking if im okay when im in front of your eyes. but the minute im not there, it doesnt really matter what happens to me anymore does it? as long as it doesnt kill me it’s fine.

well guess what?

maybe it’ll be you that does it.

because i give you my full hearted congratulations. i have lost myself once more. and these morbid thoughts and dark clouds are back to haunt.

always trust your intuition. if your body tells you something bad is going to happen, something bad is going to happen.

twas stupid of me to think that everything was just in my imagination. to wake up feeling like nothing could go wrong despite all the warning signs like a dead fish and quiet depressive air. go on baby, drive on home and park your car in front of that shop you once so frequently walked into. come out almost a 100 bucks poorer for some unjustifiable reason drive on home and start work. that aromatic scent of vanilla essence and brown sugar, your heart goes “i hope it works like it used to and i hope he likes it.” cookies done made and packed, someones at the door. too late for another type of confectionary but oh well, valentine gift discussion begins and a few frantic sms-es exchanged on whether it’s a good idea.

KLCC gave a headache, perhaps it was foreboding and the shop i wanted to get his stuff from no longer exist. something else pops up into mind but oh dear, times running short. tomorrow there’s still time.

rush off to bangsar and last minute chinese new year shopping starts. a few happy girly pieces here and there and ever thought is always the same. “will he like it? what if i have to meet everyone? is this too casual? i hope he thinks its cute.” shoppings done and i am very very happy. much too happy.

and then the downfall just had to come. my happy day shattered in a matter of minute and a tearful car ride made another happy camper unhappy. now her heads in a mess as well. it’s the domino effect. he kills my day and my depression kills hers. looks like double valentine got shot.

it’s never a good thing to become attached the way i do. it’s never wise to love someone as much as i have the tendency too. this weakness gives them power. a power over my moods and asprirations. it really is never a good thing.

the bright side to the story.

i ate nothing today but a cookie to test. and finished off my day with a habit i kicked quite a while back.

my first meal = a stick of menthol.

this therefore equates to a skinnier ginny. i guess it aint so bad after all.

if this doesnt count as a tragedy i really have no idea what would.

i finally get around to making a new layout after switching to wordpress. i dig around for my wacom tablet lo and behold

TRAGEDY.

i saw ants happily making their way out of the crevices of my tablet.

THEY FUCKING MADE A NEST IN MY WACOM TABLET!?!?! MY ONE AND ONLY BOUGHT WITH MY FIRST PAY CHECK TABLET. FML.

i tried drowning them all since there’s pretty much no way i can save my tablet anyway.

after soaking it in hot water for almost half an hour. the ants just still kept spewing out like they were infinite T_T. must be those damn air bubbles that saved them. so i gave up trying to mass murder them threw my precious tablet into a plastic bag and used mosquito spray to spray the living daylight out of them.

i feel somewhat contented to have murdered the bastards.

u know normally i never kill ants because they are such hardworking insects BUT THIS IS JUST TOOOOOOOOOOO MUCH.

now i need to get a new one =(

*cries in corner*

happy early birthday to me =(