The past few times I cried this year were because i lost two very important dogs in my life and occasionally sudden memories of them would come and go, causing a sting in my eyes.

Today i cried for many different reasons.

I cried because of you, because of the aches of my body, and the frustration at myself.

But all mostly because of myself.

My brain is not performing at it’s usual capacity and it’s frustrating on all levels. It doesnt help that I’ve been suffering from lethargy and headaches consistently over the past few days and today a dull tingling ache has occurred behind my back. This ache comes and goes a lot but today it’s been on going for hours now and it feels like it’s affecting the entire right side of my body.

I hate how you’re not here after 2-3 days of me expressing my frustrations at the world.

But i hate myself more for being so dependent on you to be happy.

Am i really incapable of handling myself? Must i really be so incredibly affected by you about everything i do?

And I can’t help but relate everything back to his reappearance in your life.

Sometimes I wish I knew how to be free of you.

Because it really does still kill me inside.

I wonder what role do I even really play in your life.

Yup.

It’s been that long and time’s passing by in a blink of an eye.

A month, 6 months, a year and suddenly its 2 years.

It’s the same with me.

It’s 2 years and just a little over 5 months now and I’m sitting here with my pot of tea, my laptop and sentimental songs that are not really love songs. It’s raining outside. In fact, it’s been raining for about 5 hours now and a last minute decision has placed me in this same spot just aimlessly wondering in and out of thought.

People say a crush that lasts over a few months becomes love – an infatuation that goes beyond it’s term.

Waking up next to the same person for over 24 months now, one would expect to feel mildly bored of the same old face and the same old scent but one does not know the feeling of waking up next to an empty side and feeling incomplete, like a piece of a missing jigsaw that waits to be found. Every morning I wake up to the familiar kiss on my forehead and instinctively i cling my arms arounds the neck of this very same person, reluctant to let go and having to start my day without that special someone by my side.

It’s been more than 2 years of waking up next to him.

And every day my arms cling on as hard as they used to 2 years ago, and on some days, it latches on so hard it has to be pried off or risk being late to work.

I love you baby.

I don’t know why.

But all I know is after all this while, I think I’ve fallen more in love with you now.

I don’t know how I will feel another 10 years down the road. But quite frankly it really doesn’t really matter because all that matters now is the fact I love you now; NOW, in this present day and time.

My blog is turning more and more depressive by the year but I’m trying. Happy looking pictures kinda counteracts that doesn’t it? Well fine, I guess if you don’t actually bother reading then yes but if not just pretend it does okay? *waves hand dismissively*

Anyhowwww…..

In case you forgot what my precious little teddy bear looks like =(

Well, exactly 3 months later. It really is exactly because Chippy passed away on the 25th of Feb 2012, and what I’m about to tell you also happened on the 25th; only it was April 2012 instead of February. Wow. That was a pretty disjointed and “Duh” sentence. WTF. But humour me okay? I’m really trying my best to lighten the mood as I’ve been crying for 2 days now and I think they wouldn’t like me being upset over them. Or so I think.

So yes, back to the story.

My baby Miko who’s about 16 or possibly 17 this year passed away 2 days ago =( She had a spinal nerve problem and we wanted to operate but unexpectedly her heart stopped halfway through the operation despite it being strong and healthy.

I secretly suspect that she really misses Chippy and feels that maybe living past 100 human years is a tad boring and so decided to stop her heart or something ludicrous like that.

But i still really miss them both =(

Don’t feel like writing a dedication post to her because it’s just going to make me start sobbing my eyes out again but I think maybe it really is time. She is an old dog after all.

Miss you baby Miks! And love you long time too!

You watched me grow up and you were always by my side =) Thank you for being a wonderful dog to the Yap family!

Just some random pictures of my two babies when they were still around. Btw, the girl in the last picture isn’t me. Just i case you though it was. WTF.

To the both of you!

You will both always be in my heart.

Thank you for taking care of me throughout your lives, to the extent of even protecting my room when I’m not around.

I know you’re both back together somewhere and I hope you guys are happy on that side of Rainbow Bridge.

Come visit me in my dreams some time all right?

Love you and missing you guys like crazy.

XOXOXO.

With this, comes the attraction of even more depressing things because we are of course our own biggest enemy and self efficacy works a little more efficiently than it should at this point.

Right now I am in this god forsaken place and i want so badly to break down and cry at how everything came hurtling like an avalanche on such an important time this month but i force a weak smile instead. A sad tired smile that tells nothing but the truth of my dead hollow eyes.

Less than 24 hours.

And I will take that opportunity to hug my knees to my chest and cry the tears I’ve tried so hard to hold back over the past day and a half.

Second break point of 2012.

…

And i wish the cause of the first was here with me now.

Because over a month later, I still miss her.

So here’s a reminder of what I look like currently.

Blonde.

And grey contacts with light make up on the rare days (1 out of 60-90) i feel like playing doll.

Unfortunately my eyebrows were tinted with an eyebrow mascara. I never got around to bleaching and dying it back brown either.

Soon soon.

As soon as i resolve my really bad hair fall issue. U_U LE SIGH.

HAHAHHA.

toodles!

Promised someone I would update and i did! 2x!!

Though way shorter than i anticipated but I’ve got a ton of stuff to chew on my plate right now and so this is all i can sorta manage.

I’m not dead yet.

A little past barely surviving but heres an AWESOME video bribe. If you know, you like well, cute hot girls with really yummy tits and ass

Cuz you know I do

WERK ME – OVERWERK REMIX from artistic.beauty on Vimeo.

Now come tell me that was not yum?

Here, one man and his team stands up for something he believes in with more courage that I could ever muster. 9 years later, this man has the support of thousands of youths all over the world.

Be inspired.

Make a change.

All you have to do is watch this video and spread the news

Not too hard is it?

APRIL 2012. It’s going to be EPIC.

KONY 2012 from INVISIBLE CHILDREN on Vimeo.

[ps. Oh yea! We now have a Malaysian facebook page HERE so do like and show your support so we can join in the movement this April as well ]

(10pm edit: there is also some controversy going on about how Invisible Children is not all its cracked up to be with funds being used for less ideal charitable reasons and how by supporting Kony 2012, we are in effect supporting the Ugandan army whom themselves rape and pillage and all those usual things. Also the fact that Kony’s body guards would inevitable be children and hence to get him, more children will die.

TRUE TRUE TRUE.

But sometimes, it works just the way stop buying from pet shops to close puppy mills works. When we stop buying form shops, those bred and being used to breed die anyway. Either way deaths are going to occur but which has a more sustainable inpact. The world works in a fucked up way.

Neither way is really correct but do make your own judgement and research before you support a cause =) I for one believe that this is one thing that until tried, you never really know the outcome. So i am all for Kony 2012! Maybe I don’t know the real story or the real truth behind this movement but it’s not like im forcing anyone to support it either)

Perth, September 2010.

Karma, after-life, spirits, soul, returns, beliefs, principles, values.

All that shit, do they really exist? If they do, I wonder who up there tries to organise each and everyone of them and who actually programs all these into the minds of us humans. Then, who actually sends messages to some people to create fairytale inspired quotes like “The spaces between your fingers were created so that another’s could fill them in.”

If only, if only those things really does exist, I wish for  a call, a message, a note from that source to tell me that it is okay, everything is okay. That I have no power of what is going to happen, that it is not my fault, not the other person’s fault, that we are just puppets for the mass audience from the above. Then there is no reason for me to be upset or angry at anything because I know I’m not playing a role in the direction of my life as well as the way my heart wants to feel.

There are many, many nights that I spend before I sleep wondering if there will be someone who would flip pages of a book for me, reading line by line, while trying to catch a glimpse to check if I was listening or if I have fallen asleep. If there would be someone in the far future, that would think of me the moment they open their eyes and check if I still have my blanket on. If all of the above did exist, did that Someone arrange for me to be thought of and loved that way? Will I ever be so important to a person that I’d be the first one they want to turn to, happy or sad?

Many, many reasons come lying below that blanket of peace, patience, and smiles. It’s doesn’t just help protect a toe from the cold, but 9 other of its kind, and many other parts of the body that needs warmth. Every time I stick my toes out the blanket, I feel a little insecure. I feel as if I am about to be pulled away from warmth and comfort from beneath the bed, where lays a sea of other prying eyes and judgements waiting for its revenge as I have been on top of it for too long – dreaming dreams that don’t and never will exist. They want me to know that the world is dark and gloomy, as it always is down there but I have always been taking my days up there on the bed for granted.

Yesterday I read on my timeline, this quote that left me wondering if it really is true. It said “A guy can make you think he loves you when he really doesn’t, but a girl can make you think she has no feelings for you although she really loves you.” It gave me alot of thoughts, and further strengthened my belief that maybe, just maybe – I would never ever come upon a day when I can really identify the sincerity of someone that really does.

This probably happens to most probably 98% of the girls of the world, who are capable of engaging in a relationship of the modern era. I am just another 0.00001% of that lot. Yesterday, it felt like an arrow sparred through my body, and fluids that used to protect that beating heart all gushed out from its place, leaving the heartpump more evident, loud, clear – but somewhat empty. you don’t know what you’ve got until it’s gone. You knew exactly what you had, you just never thought you’d lose it……….forever. It is somewhat a feeling of being dumped, never treasured, and was just an experiment of time and feelings.

There are people who make fun of this precious thing that I own. I know its not their intentions to hurt me, but what keeps me wondering is whether if it is because of the modern idea of a relationship that incited it? It really stings me everytime somebody makes fun of something so precious to me, I would literally feel a stab that pushes the element of betrayal called tears trying to push its way out, trying to defend me to tell these people that it is not a funny issue to talk so lightly about. Every single time I fight back, telling my guardians its okay, I have to deal with this. But, if everything of the unseen does exist – is this right and fair?

I lost trust and confidence in my own ability that I am someone worthy of another’s full attention since many, many years back not just because of one incident, but many many others that tied in together at the same phase in life. It was a hard lap for me to run, all happening in between two years – and when a teenager was most fragile. Drastically pushed confidence level into a point where it is hardly seen, but I have been living with life, making up to myself as to not feel that low in life – deceiving the world and sometimes myself that confidence has always been in my books. Just like how someone had taken of the cellophane tape that had my confidence taped with it, realized it was wrong, and tried sticking it back again in hopes for it to look the way it did. However the fact is that the cellotape is no longer as adhesive as it was, and it had even taken shreds of the paper along with it when it was taken off. It will no longer be the same old fine piece of paper, living with self doubts as to if the cellotape would be blown away by the wind again as it is now barely holding on.

I am not running away.

I am still here, waiting to be discovered – but someone needs to know where to find me because I am trembling behind that big pillar in fear of being unfound forever. Everybody is walking pass, as there are many more beautiful things to see up ahead. A few come by and say hi because they want to play, but none of them had realised that I didn’t want to sit on swings and play with teddy bears. I need someone to bring me home, dry me up and tuck me to bed because I am dripping wet from the rain that I had ran under after coming out from the previous pillar that I had stepped out from.

I ran out of that one myself, because I was trying to go after somebody who had been sitting opposite the road, starring at me for days, weeks and months without a budge. That person never told me to come out of the shades behind that pillar, but instead spent all his time with me, making sure that I know that I’m not alone. We were like the lines of a parallel line. Always side by side, watching over each other’s shoulders but will never ever meet at the end. One day he decided to get up from his seat and walk away. Out of surprised I ran out of the pillar but he was already nowhere in sight. I knew that I was in trouble this time but there was no way back to my previous pillar. I had unconsciously left it and the road I was on was just a one-way street, no turning back.

I’ve been in and out several, although not many, pillars now. All varied in sizes, colours and shapes but every single time I walked out, whether in purpose or by accidental means, I always got myself wet – by drizzle or rain.

All I want is just a sunny day, with green grass to walk on, beside somebody who walks into my pillar and hands me a set of clothes to change into. That special someone that wouldn’t sit opposite the street staring at me, but stands right infront of me – making sure that nobody else tries to lure me out of that pillar, spending his precious time observing and understanding me despite all the amazing things ahead. However, that vision is blur and its scene is only floating at this corner of my head.

There may never be this somebody because everybody just really wants to get to the rides of the theme park and not pay any attention to that pillar that blends in with the wall, what more that small existance that is hiding behind it.

Nobody sees it.

Nobody.

So tell me, is it in my hands, the visitor’s hands, or Their hands?

Many things i cannot afford.

I want to stay a week in a yoga retreat. Somewhere in the middle of a cool forest that doesnt have its grounds covered in leeches. Listen to the sounds of the wild as i lie down in the dark drawing in the smell of fresh mossy grounds.

I want to camp next to a lake somewhere in a less tropical country and stare at the stars overhead while shoveling instant baked beans and eggs i cooked over a portable little stove. And then i want to wake up in the morning and dive in naked into it’s crystal blue waters and not be surrounded by anyone else but me myself and I. Perhaps a book or an animal will be my companion.

Im so much more of a wanderer that people take me to be. I avoid cities and instinctively search out the smell of fresh dew on grass and the gradient of different leaves. But earth has been hurt so much for these things now. Everywhere is either dirty or crowded or just out of reach.

I want to dip my little toes in a clean moving stream in the countryside somewhere. Dressed in a yellow sundress with white polka dots or a breezy white linen dress. Sit on a red and white picnic mat and share grapes, champagne and bread. Ride on a horse, and laugh with the wind.

I miss the beach and it’s clean clean water so much it kills me. The last time i swam in the sea, it was the end of winter in Perth on a little island called Rottnest. The waters were freezing but I’d never been happier. That was back in 2010. Doesnt seem like too long ago but 2 years away from being submerged in an unpolluted sea has my heart wrenching in yearn.

I think i dream too much and i want too many things.

 Rottnest Island, Perth September 2010